Donate
Post-Racial America

Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Pretty Sure Ross Douthat's Neckbeard Is The Real Cure For Masturbation

Douthat knows his brand. We'll give him that.

IN A WORLD where people have orgasms and experience sexual pleasure in varying ways based on what they, personally, are into, there is one man, one New York Times columnist, who has always bravely stood up to say "no, you're doing it wrong."

And that man is Ross Douthat.

In his latest column, wherein he continues to publish his bad opinions for reasons not understood by anyone, Douthat explores a new theory he pulled out of his ass about how conservatives losing the porn wars has led to people not having sex and only masturbating to online pornography, and that even though he likes it when people don't have sex, this means online pornography is basically the drug "soma" from Brave New World. Or something.

Even he seems to realize that this may be a little too "on-brand" for him.

Keep reading... Show less
Elections

Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election

Something something 'own goal.'

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.

Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.

Keep reading... Show less
White House

CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN

OK maybe they're just suing the Trump administration over how it's being all fascist and shit.

CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.

Keep reading... Show less
Elections

Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

Keep reading... Show less
Right Wing Extremism

Wisconsin School's Nazi Prom Photo Sure To Go Over Well With College Admission Boards

Teach the damn kids better.

Oh, those wacky kids today! Always on their phones, smoking their Juuls, buying a lot of unicorn-themed things ... and taking "Heil Hitler" prom photos. I guess!

Over the weekend, some students from Baraboo High School in Wisconsin tweeted a photo of dozens of boys in the class of 2019, at their Junior Prom, in a group photo, doing a Nazi salute -- a photo reportedly taken by a parent of one of the boys in the picture and reportedly posted to their own website that was filled with other pictures of the Baraboo High School prom (UPDATE: Said photographer is motorcycle photographer one Peter Gust, whose son is in the picture. He is former educator and Wisconsin Education Association Council regional director. Nice!) The tweet, first shared by Twitter user Carly Sidey, has since been deleted, and the account that posted it has gone private.

Keep reading... Show less
Science

Dana Rohrabacher Curious If Kremlin Having A Job Fair Anytime Soon, Or ...

Blue Wave knocks out Russia's congressman, SAD!

The Associated Press finally called the race in California's 48th Congressional District late Saturday for Democratic challenger Harley Rouda, bringing an end to nearly 30 years in Congress for US Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Over the years, Rohrabacher had represented not only his super-conservative Orange County district, but also the Taliban and Russia, and as his district has become more liberal -- or at least less frothingly rightwing John Birch Society-esque -- it was probably only a matter of time until his seat went blue. Rohrabacher's enthusiastic defenses of Donald Trump and of Vladimir Putin only hastened the swing this year. Too bad, so sad!

Let us bid a fond but not drawn out farewell to one of Congress's more spectacular idiots while we hope he's joined by many others, soon.

Keep reading... Show less
Elections

GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith Is A Mississippi Goddam ... Racist

Lynching humor!

Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith made a gross comment earlier this month that is both clueless of history and casually racist. On November 2, just before the midterm election, she was at a campaign event with cattle rancher Colin Hutchinson. Demonstrating just how "ride or die" she was for Hutchinson, she boasted, "If he invited me to a public hanging, I'd be on the front row!"

This is an odd statement because public hangings are historically general admission. Maybe she's saying she'd be willing to camp out overnight to ensure she can watch some poor bastard dance at the end of a rope like a common psychopath. She is, of course, un-ironically "100 percent pro-life," because life has value until it's born. Eventually ending that life in a sickening, extrajudicial manner is a pleasant spectator sport. Bring the popcorn.

Keep reading... Show less
Trump

Sean Hannity Cannot Believe Michelle Obama Would Be So Crass As To Bring Up Trump's Birtherism.

WHAT IF BARRON HEARD ABOUT THIS?

Yesterday, it was revealed that in Michelle Obama's forthcoming memoir she states that she will never forgive Donald Trump for his ridiculous birtherism conspiracy shit. While that might seem like the mildest of all possible "mean" things one could say about Donald Trump, Sean Hannity and his guests were simply aghast during his show last night at how she could put forth such divisive rhetoric instead of "going high" and just letting it go. As we all know, the cruelest thing one can do to a Republican is to simply... mention that they said something messed up, or to repeat their words back to them verbatim.

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Michelle Obama Said A Mean About Donald Trump And Made Him Cry

God, we love this woman.

Michelle Obama has written a memoir, Becoming, that you should all pre-order right now so you can rejoice in the majesty of her life. She's always been real, unlike the current cubic zirconia first lady, so you might wonder how much real-er she can manage to be. Well, Obama easily ascends to the top of the Cheryl Lynn scale of realness when she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage 20 years ago that left her feeling "lost" and "alone." She also shares for the first time that both her daughters, Malia and Sasha, were conceived through in vitro fertilization.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Donald Trump Ends Asylum, Stephen Miller Sad We're Not Shooting Refugees Yet

New rule: Asylum only for Russian workers at Trump resorts. Maybe Norwegians, too, we'll see.

The Trump administration is rolling out some truly evil fuckery on immigration today, rewriting how the US considers the cases of people asking for asylum at the southern border. In essence, the new directive will trash the asylum laws as written by Congress so that only people applying for asylum after crossing the border at an official port of entry will be considered. Those crossing outside ports of entry will be far more likely to be subject to immediate deportation. The new rules, expected to go into effect almost immediately, are likely to be challenged in court the moment they're implemented, since the Executive branch is attempting to override established law. Trump apparently figures his Supreme Court will let him do whatever he wants, and with his new crowd of creeps, he might even be right, who knows?

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Rick Scott Wants Florida To Cut Out All This 'Counting Votes' Nonsense

2000 deja vu all over again

Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Ted Nugent Being Subtle Again

Guess he'd know from shitholes.

Ted Nugent, a native of Michigan, took to Facebook Wednesday to express his displeasure at the Badger Chevrolet Wolverine State for electing a whole bunch of Democrats, and maybe one Democrat in particular if you know what he means and we think you do.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...

These guys are shameless

Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."

Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.

"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."

What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.

Keep reading... Show less
White House

Jim Acosta Nudged White House Intern To Death, But She Got Better

White House now literally distributing fake news. But we still see Trump crapping all over the Mueller investigation.

After yesterday's completely fuckbonkers press conference with Donald Trump, the White House announced it was suspending press credentials for CNN's Jim Acosta. Acosta had angered the Great Man by asking too many questions yesterday, including one where he challenged Trump's characterization of Central American asylum seekers as an "invasion," and, after Trump told him to sit down and shut up, another in which he asked about the pipe bombs sent to CNN, which prompted Trump to say, "When you report fake news, you are the enemy of the people." Not that Trump was condoning violence, because Trump would never do such a thing except when he fantasizes about punching protesters in the face or declares a congressman who body-slammed a reporter for asking a question "my kind of guy."

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

The Mueller killer is IN THE HOUSE.

Okay, NOW WE PANIC. Trump firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and shoehorning in partisan meathead Matthew Whitaker to murder the Mueller investigation during the lame duck session is DEFCON 1. The White House knows Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, and Eric Swalwell are about to investigate the shit out of them, and they're reasonably confident that the Special Counsel has indictments in the works for Don Jr. for lying to Congress and conspiracy to violate campaign finance law, among other things.

Which is why John Kelly called Sessions yesterday morning and told him to get out immediately, refusing even to let the Attorney General finish out the week. If you believe Vanity Fair, the White House expected Junior to be indicted as soon as today, so they needed the Mueller slayer in place to put the kibosh on it ASAP. And this time, they weren't going to take a chance with someone ethical. Enter Matthew Whitaker, a partisan hack who isn't afraid to plunge his hands into a mixture of slime mold and shit, right on up to the shoulders.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc