Culture Wars

Fox News Dipsh*t To New College Grads: OWN THE LIBS BY BE MORE STUPIDER OK?

How will Fox News get more viewers if people are 'educated' and stuff? TELL PETE HEGSETH THAT ONE!

Do you know which one the "Pete Hegseth" character is on Fox News? He is the greasy-looking one who doesn't wash his hands, because he can't see germs, therefore they don't exist. He was also reportedly at one point in the running to head the VA, because Donald Trump picks the best people. Also, he thinks veterans are BIG moochers. He is just, like, super-classy and also super-smart.

Naturally, therefore, Hegseth has penned a poorly written and edited op-ed to all the new college graduates of America, begging them to forget their whole education and just be Fox News dipshits like Pete Hegseth. It's accompanied by a faux "Fox & Friends" commencement address video, because that's sure to get the Youngs a-clicking. But we won't bother with that. Let's just look at some words old Poop Hands wrote.

Uh huh yep you betcha:

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Billionaire Cruelly Denies Morehouse Grads Character-Building Crippling Student Loan Debt

Can you believe this guy?

Billionaire technology investor Robert F. Smith rewarded this year's Morehouse graduates handsomely for staying awake during his commencement address. Smith had just received an honorary doctorate and in a stunning act of fellowship with his fellow graduating class, he pledged to pay off all their student loans.

It was a great moment at the historically black Atlanta college. Parents and students wept -- delighted that they wouldn't have to keep living together.

SMITH: On behalf of the eight generations of my family that have been in this country, we're gonna put a little fuel in your bus. This is my class, 2019. And my family is making a grant to eliminate their student loans.

This bus is getting some high-octane rocket fuel. The gift is estimated at $40 million, which means the 400 graduating seniors were carrying an average of $100,000 in debt. Why the hell does it cost so much to go to college? Graduates should leave college with endless ambition not saddled with so much debt they're figuring out which organs they'll have to sell on the black market. Young brother Aaron Mitchom had calculated that it would take him 25 years at half his monthly salary to pay off his $200,000 debt. He's thrilled he won't have to "live off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." He might even have sex now. Because it's very hard to date successfully when all you have to offer anyone are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

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Nice Time

Some Thoughts On The Things We Haven't Read, But Know About Anyway

Culture, Bugs Bunny, and the impossibility of keeping up. Also some cats.

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

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White House

Trump's New ICE Chief Can Spot Future Gang Members With His X-Ray Eyes

Fox News nominates another member to the Trump administration.

Donald Trump has picked yet another talker from Fox News for a top administration job, proving once again that knowing things is not nearly as important as being on TV. On May 5, Trump announced he was nominating Mark Morgan, who briefly served as the head of Border Patrol in the closing months of the Obama administration, to be the new head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Morgan replaced Trump's previous nominee, Ron Vitiello, who was shitcanned for not being "tough" enough. It was a bit of a surprise that Trump didn't go with Matthew Albence, the guy he'd picked to replace Vitiello as acting head of ICE, but perhaps advisors thought Albence might face confirmation trouble over his 2018 statement to Congress that government baby jails were a lot like "summer camps" Thank goodness there's no such public record of insane comments to get Mark Morgan in trouble!

You know, other than in some of the 80 times since January Morgan has been on Fox News to defend Trump's immigration policies as the wisest, smartest ideas ever, including a January 14 visit with Tucker Carlson in which Morgan claimed he could simply look at immigrant kids and predict which ones would become gangbangers (all of them, Tucker).

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Who Crawled Up The New York Times's Ass And Died?

What's with these people?

The New York Times is at it again. The paper ran an article the other day that was almost indistinguishable from a GOP press release.


Those claims aren't just "grisly." They are also bald-faced, bare-assed lies. Democrats probably didn't expect Republicans to shamelessly accuse them of murdering children. If it's always too soon to discuss gun violence, there's apparently never a bad time to "politicize" abortion and claim your opponents are soulless monsters.

But why is the Times burying the lede? The GOP's slander -- not just of Democrats but of American women -- is the actual story here, not that Democrats are unprepared to cope with it.

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NRA's Dana Loesch Got Paid A Million Dollars To Make Videos Watched By A Thousand People Each

That's one hell of a CPM.

We've been covering the grifting, self-dealing, back-biting, and civil waaaaarrrrrrr at the NRA quite a lot lately. This is because we love it when bad things happen to bad people. But sometimes good things happen to bad people. Like NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch.

Earlier in the week, when Five Dollar Feminist was researching whichever NRA post she was researching -- there were a lot okay?! -- she asked me how many individual ("unique," AND YOU ARE!) readers come to Wonkette every month, so she could compare it to this quote from wherever:

But Ackerman [McQueen, the NRA's ad agency, which is taking $40 million from the NRA per year] declined even to provide the N.R.A. with internal statistics on NRATV's viewership. A review of data from Comscore, which tracks web traffic, suggests why that might be: The NRATV site had just 49,000 unique visitors in January, and less traffic in March than, the website of Ackerman's hometown newspaper.

YIIIIIIKES, I said. Wonkette's unique readers -- which are at a record low since Facebook continued boning us and also you all got depressed by Bill Barr's interpretive dance about the Mueller Report -- were 459,000 in January, down from a much nicer average of 800-900k. But I wouldn't make too much of it, I said: Doubtless all NRA-TV's viewers were watching them at Youtube. When will I learn to stop being so fair?

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Anti-Abortion, Right-Wing Hack Wendy Vitter Ready To Judge You PROFESSIONALLY

Because everything is terrible.

There's no real suspense over whether the Senate will confirm Louisiana district court nominee Wendy Vitter. Republicans have the votes and the federal courts will soon have another partisan hack. Vitter's kinda light on actual federal law experience -- serving as co-counsel on a single case 25 years ago. No biggie, she'll have the rest of her life to get up to speed. She can also fall back on her private sector experience, where she focused on maritime law (no, really).

Vitter has the full support of Louisiana's two Republican senators, Bill Cassidy and John Kennedy. Cassidy swept into office during the 2014 red wave of terrible. He defeated Mary Landrieu, who had a 100 percent rating from the NARAL. Here's Cassidy's LinkedIn recommendation:

CASSIDY: Wendy Vitter is extremely qualified and I look forward to voting for her. It's a shame the liberal left is using fabricated political smears to suppress the voice of a strong conservative woman.

These "fabricated political smears" are Vitter's actual words and deeds. Let's refresh our memories and then clean our brains with turpentine. Vitter has accused Planned Parenthood of killing "over 150,000 females a year." It does not. During her hearings last month, Vitter refused to say whether she was just stupid or willfully lying. She led a panel at a 2013 anti-abortion conference, during which she seemed to endorse the junk science of Angela Lanfranchi, arguing that abortions cause breast cancer. There is no such link. Vitter also pushed Lanfranchi's brochure "The Pill Kills," which contained all the intellectual rigor of the old movie Reefer Madness. Vitter thought it'd be swell if doctors littered their waiting rooms with that garbage.

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President Taco Bowls Wants To Give Mexicans A Civics Test To Enter America

The best Mexicans are from Norway.

Donald Trump is expected to unveil his son-in-law's beautiful new plan to remake legal immigration in a speech this afternoon. The "merit based" immigration proposal isn't expected to actually get passed by Congress, but is more of a thing Republicans can point to and say, "See? We are common Elizabeth Warrens!" But Jared worked very hard on it, with lots of help from that nice Stephen Miller, and Trump told Jared he loves it. So it's a very good, very serious plan that Rs can rally around and accuse Democrats of refusing to support, which is the only thing that matters. And that is what counts for serious governance these days.

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Culture Wars

Why Can't These 'Pro-Life' States Stop Killing Infants All the Time?

Weird how that happens.

Last night, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, who is well past the age where an unwanted pregnancy might be a concern, signed a bill outlawing abortion entirely, except in the case of the "life of the mother." It is -- so far -- the most restrictive ban in the country, following several six-week abortion bans popping up in Georgia, Ohio, Kentucky and Mississippi.

While legislators in these states are very excited for the chance to see Roe v. Wade overturned—which it will be, why even pretend anymore—and to see abortion banned entirely, that does not seem to be what the majority of people in this country, even in their own states, want. In fact, there is not a single state where more than 20% of the population actually wants this.

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Alabama Goes And Decides To Force Victims To Carry Their Rapist's Babies After All

Twenty-five white dudes decide this is in fact a great idea.

Remember yesterday, when we ran an article, an article that I wrote about how maybe some of Alabama's Republican male legislators were having second thoughts about forcing rape victims to carry their rapist's babies, and thought that maybe there ought to be some exceptions in their new law outlawing abortion?

HAHA, just kidding. While four white male Republican legislators, Del Marsh, Cam Ward, Andrew Jones, and Jim McClendon, voted for the amendment allowing exceptions, they were outnumbered by all the other white male Republicans who opposed the exceptions. Then, when it came time to pass the bill as is, all four joined their fellow white male Republicans in voting to pass it. No Democrats—and, perhaps more notably, no women—voted in favor of the bill. Two of the 27 Republicans in the senate abstained from voting.

So HB 314 passed 25-6. The bill, unlike the bills being passed in other states, outlaws all abortions, not just those after six weeks. The only exception is if it's a situation where the mother will definitely die from having the baby. While those who seek abortion will not be charged with a crime, a doctor performing an abortion could get up to 99 years in prison—more years than a rapist would get in most situations.

State Sen. Clyde Chambliss, one of the major proponents of this bill, was eager to demonstrate the depth of his knowledge of the female reproductive system during the hearing, explaining that abortion will still be legal for those who do not yet know they are pregnant.

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White House

Stephen Miller Had AWESOME Plan For 'Blitz' Against Immigrants But Kirstjen Nielsen Said No :(

Don't worry -- she was just worried about the logistics.

Shortly before they were fired in that huge purge of the Department of Homeland Security earlier this year, DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and acting Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Ron Vitiello really pissed off Donald Trump by opposing a brilliant administration plan that would have arrested "thousands of parents and children in a blitz operation against migrants in 10 major U.S. cities," according to the Washington Post. The idea was that ICE would swoop in and arrest a whole lot of families in a "show of force," thus scaring all potential migrants and asylum seekers from ever wanting to come to the US ever again. As we all know, previous shows of force, like taking children from their parents at the border, worked like a charm, or would have, if only they'd been a little more brutal.

According to "seven current and former" DHS officials who spoke to the post, the plan had been put forward in September of last year, and would have fast-tracked immigration court cases against families who'd come to the US after the end of last year's family separation policy, so they could be deported quickly. People who lost their sped-up cases or who failed to show up for hearings would be the targets, to shock and awe anyone who might think of trying to come to the US. The mass arrests "would have required coordinated raids against parents with children in their homes and neighborhoods."

But darn it, Nielsen and Vitiello were just no fun at all. They put the kibosh on the plan because they were

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Culture Wars

F*ck Mike Pence And The Cross He Rode In On

Mike Pence told Liberty University grads what happens to kids who grow up to be gay-hatin' fascist crapsacks like Mike Pence.

Mike Pence spoke for the convocation at Liberty University this weekend, where a stunning 21,000 graduates are being released into the world with degrees that, while they might technically be valid, may not be worth the paper they're printed on in a lot of fields. And unto the 8,000 who attended the convocation he didst deliver a rousing message! Sure, it wasn't Oh, the Places You'll Go! but if you're a brainwashed snowflake-y gay-hatin' Bible beater, it landed well.

But it was more than that, though. Pence just wanted those kids to know that they are going to be persecuted to death for their beliefs, because there is nothing more whiny-ass than a white fundamentalist Christian who doesn't understand why the entire world hasn't conformed to what they believe is God's image.

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Culture Wars

Equality Act Hit By Avalanche Of Brutally Stupid GOP Amendment Proposals

Godforbid they just let gay and trans people have some civil rights!

I was *this* close to titling this post "You Seriously Will Not Freakin' Believe The Stupid Shit Republicans Want To Add To The Equality Act" before realizing that I should not do that, on account of it being a very clickbait-sounding headline and we are above that here, but seriously... you will not freakin' believe this shit.

At least I didn't, and it's awfully hard to surprise me these days. Seriously, if I were on Family Feud, with an audience made up entirely of Congressional Republicans and the topic was "Our Terrible Ideas For Amendments To The Equality Act," I would fail miserably. I would go home with nothing.

I don't know, I guess I still have too much faith in people.

The Equality Act is supposed to be an amendment to the Civil Rights Act meant to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity specifically. Theoretically, it should be as simple as that. But of course, not only do Republicans want to add a bunch of things in there meant to ensure that bigots can still discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation and gender identity, but they also want to throw in a bunch of shit in there about abortion and about prohibiting discrimination against people for their "political orientation." Because god forbid anyone judge anyone based on... the content of their character.

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Culture Wars

Donald Trump Don't Want A Pickle, Just Wants To Ride His Motor-Sickle

OK, McNaughton, now do one where he's pretending to drive a big, big TRUCK!

America's Greatest Living Artist, Jon McNaughton, has committed another crime against canvas, this time slopping together a painting called "MAGA Ride," featuring a fictionally slim Donald Trump on a big motorcycle, complete with flag-themed fender skirts, being applauded by all Americans while the home of the Enemy -- the US Capitol -- looms ominously in the background. At least we think it's supposed to be looming ominously, since that's what McNaughton says in the bullet points for this great artwork:

  • Cracks in the road spell M A G A.
  • Federal Capitol Building represents Trump's opposition among the Democrats and weak Republicans.
  • The crowd of American supporters, from all backgrounds proudly wearing their red Make America Great Again hats.
  • American Flag is a source of light.
  • Artist paints himself in the painting.

OH, isn't that clever? The cracks in the pavement spell MAGA!!! Here, we have highlighted the cracks:

Sorry, that clearly says "MATTMIA," in memory of Matt, who is Missing in Action. But even if it does say "MAGA," that would appear to conflict with another part of McNaughton's own explication of the painting:

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Facebook FINALLY Bans Alex Jones And Motley Crew Of Alt-Right Racists

Guesses it would rather not be FriendsterMySpace.

After years of side stepping, Mark Zuckerberg and his automatons finally kicked Alex Jones and other crazy people off Facebook. It only took them four bloody years to stop fostering the hate speech and disinformation that gave a voice to Russian trolls, conspiracy peddlers, anti-Semites, white supremacists, and the "alt-right," but better late than never?

Out of nowhere yesterday, The Verge, WaPo, and The Atlantic all received a very brief statement from Facebook saying it was banning Alex Jones, Infowars, Paul Nehlen, Milo Yiannopoulos, Paul Joseph Watson, Laura Loomer, Gavin McInnes, and Louis Farrakhan for being "dangerous." Facebook said it's "always banned individuals or organizations that promote or engage in violence and hate, regardless of ideology." (Yeah, nope.) The statement goes on to say its Facebots take FOREVER to conclude whether or not someone needs to be kicked off its data mining ad platform, and stopped short of apologizing for taking so damn long.

Unfortunately, Facebook screwed up and announced the bans before they took effect. Instagram accounts for Jones, Loomer, and Milo were still up for almost an hour before they were finally kicked off. In addition to that, one of the (many) Infowars pages was live-streaming for almost two hours before it too was slapped down. As a result of what Facebook calls a "technical problem," some them were able to fire off messages telling people how to follow them deeper into the annals of the internet.

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