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Immigrants

This Little Bahamian Girl Survived The Hurricane And You Already Guessed What Trump's Monsters Did Next!

Do you feel safer, America?

We sure wish we could be surprised by the Miami Herald's report that a 12-year-old Bahamian girl who fled the destruction caused by Hurricane Dorian was taken from her family and put into a shelter for "unaccompanied alien children" this week. And now the girl's mother can't get her out. But of course that happened. The family isn't Norwegian, now is it?

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Media/Entertainment

Frottage Perv Mark Halperin REFUSES To Take His Gross Penis And Go Home

What part of GET THE FUCK OUT did you not understand???

Mark Halperin has trouble taking no for an answer. It's a demonstrated issue that cropped up again when he reportedly flipped out on his former boss Phil Griffin. The MSNBC president, like most of civilized society, hasn't forgotten that multiple women accused Halperin of rubbing his penis on them, against their will, at work. Griffin shot down a comeback attempt with Halperin's one-time "Morning Joe" buddies, and Halperin called him directly to, we assume, weep into the phone. When that didn't work, he got downright snippy.

Multiple sources tell The Daily Beast that the conversation earlier this year became acrimonious, with Halperin dishing up vague threats against his former boss.

You'd think someone who considered unwanted frottage "flirting" would at least make direct threats. But Halperin is probably only capable of cutting to the chase when he's threatening to ruin the careers of women who reject his advances. During Halperin's richly deserved #MeToo fall, CNN reported the following:

Another woman claimed Halperin threw her against a window before attempting to kiss her. When the woman rejected his advances, he allegedly called her and said she'd never work in politics or media again.

It's certainly ironic -- at least how Alanis Morissette defines it -- that Griffin told Halperin in so many words that he'd "never work in politics or media again." Halperin's weak-sauce threats, likely delivered while he was wearing his bathrobe, didn't successfully bully Griffin, who probably won't take his phone calls in the future.

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Post-Racial America

Stacey Abrams Has A PLAN FOR THAT.

And believe it or not, there's a Democrat running for Senate.

Stacey Abrams believes Democrats should and can compete in the South. Don't laugh. It's not such a crazy idea. We used to do all right in the land that grows Huckabees. Democratic presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were both Southerners, and even gangland Chicago's Barack "The Tan Suit" Obama was practically one of us. Remember how he belted out "Amazing Grace" at Charleston's Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church?

Abrams specially argues that Georgia is winnable. She lost the governor's race there by just 55,000 votes, and the "winner" had his grubby fingers on the scale. Abrams released a playbook this week that lays out a path to Democratic victory, and her proposed strategy is more comprehensive than "don't let Republicans cheat."

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Post-Racial America

University Of Alabama Dean YOU'RE FIRED For Tweeting While Black

Conservatives should start defending his 'freedom of speech' any minute now ... just hold on ... any minute.

Finally, someone in Alabama is losing their job because of racist conduct! Don't get too excited. It's not Gov. Kay Ivey, who was part of a blackface comedy troupe at Auburn University. No, it's Jamie R. Riley, assistant vice president and dean of students at the University of Alabama (roll tide!). Riley resigned after less than seven months on the the job. That's a lifetime in Scaramuccis but shockingly brief for academia. What horribly offensive racist act could he have perpetrated? Well, Riley, who is black, made some controversial statements on Twitter about America and race. They were a few years old, before he even started his drive-through tenure at Alabama.

Breitbart broke the "story" about Riley's tweets, because it enjoys breaking black people. Shirley Sherrod lost her position in the Obama administration because of a Breitbart smear job. Digging through someone's Twitter feed for problematic tweets has replaced digging through someone's garbage for incriminating documents, like a take-out receipt from Olive Garden. People say a lot of racist stuff on Twitter. Ben Shapiro once marked Travyon Martin's 21st birthday with a glib joke about his shooting death. Riley however seems to have made the critical mistake of tweeting while black. You can get away with posting that MLK quote about how "hate cannot drive out hate," but anything else is risking controversy. Let's take look at Riley's terrible, awful tweets:

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Culture Wars

David Brooks Stands Athwart History Yelling 'BOTH SIDES!'

I've Been To Twitter, But I've Never Been To Me

New York Times columnist David Brooks has once again plumbed the zeitgeist and found it should agree more with the last reasonable man, David Brooks. His latest column, "The First-Person Ravings of an Internet Extremist Person, as Accurately Imagined by Me, David Brooks," is a howl about all the fanaticism and bad-faith arguments you find on the internet, as distilled through the muddy centrism of America's muddiest centrist. Behold!

I am a sick man. I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased.

I am one of those fanatics on the alt-right and the alt-left, the ones who make online forums so vicious, the ones who cancel and call out, the minority of online posters who fill the air with hate. I'm one of those radicals whose rage is intertwined with psychological fragility, whose anger at real wrongs is corrupted by my existential panic about myself.

See what he did there? He is getting inside the psyche of an internet troll, and to David Brooks, internet trolls come in two voices: the Angry Far Left and the Angry Far Right, and both are TERRIBLE. And they're also roughly equivalent, because in the keen analytical mind of David Brooks, there's not a heck of a lot of difference between people who are angry about racism and sexism, and people who want to create a white homeland where women finally know their place. They're all so angry and excessive!

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Immigrants

ICE Lady: It's One Immigrant, Michael, How Many Anchor Babies Could She Have? Seven Million?

Let's say it together: She Seems Nice.

In a story about SCARY ILLEGAL CRIMINALS in Nevada prisons, the top official for US Immigration and Customs Enforcement in the state revealed a heck of a lot about how her agency thinks about undocumented immigrants. Dana Fishburn, ICE's acting (of course!) deputy field office director for Nevada, told Sheldon Adelson's Las Vegas Review-Journal just how frustrating it is that ICE can't just lock up everybody forever, because even if they haven't committed any non-immigration crimes, they're still likely to cause trouble before they can be deported. Like, what if they went and had babies, as those fecund Latinas always seem to at the drop of a hat?

It's a hell of a train of thought. The article, ostensibly about the shocking number of criminal immigrants locked up in Nevada state facilities, notes that ICE simply doesn't have enough detention beds for everyone, and how sad is that? Then, out of nowhere comes the wingnut fearmongering about anchor babies, because you know how those people are.

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Nice Time

Nice Time! US Embassy Lets Palestinian Kid Back In For Harvard, Probably All Going To Be Fired Now

Yay for public outcry fixing shit that shouldn't have been broken to start with.

Here's the good-news update to that awful story of Trumplandia in Action! Ismail Ajjawi, the 17-year-old Palestinian refugee kid who was deported from the US in late August after a customs inspector at Logan Airport didn't like things written by Ajjawi's Facebook friends, finally made it back to the USA in time to start classes at Harvard on Tuesday.

The group that sponsored Ajjawi, Amideast,

said in a statement that the United States Embassy in Beirut reviewed Mr. Ajjawi's case and reissued a visa. Harvard officials confirmed that Mr. Ajjawi was on campus.

Ajjawi's attorney, Albert Mokhiber, thanked Harvard and Amideast for all their efforts to get the kid on campus in time for the beginning of classes.

"The anxiety was beyond belief for everybody," Mr. Mokhiber said. "Thank God it all worked out."

Mr. Ajjawi made it to Harvard on Monday in time to appear in his class photo, Mr. Mokhiber said, adding that Mr. Ajjawi was taken aside by Lawrence Bacow, the president of the university.

"I told his dad, the hard part begins today, he's at Harvard, and we had a little chuckle over that," Mr. Mokhiber said.

Hooray for a brief victory for sane people!

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Guns

Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw Thinks Guns, Like Hugs And Chlamydia, Are Better When You Share

Crenshaw's audition for GOP's Next Top Trump continues.

Conservatives like to remind us how great guns are for women -- far better than controlling their own bodies. We confess the only time we ever thought guns were cool was when young SER discovered Emma Peel on "The Avengers." During the fifth season's opening credits, Mrs. Peel used a gun to open a champagne bottle, which is incredibly reckless but very cool. She also literally combed her hair with a gun, which is flat-out crazy but sexy AF.

The Avengers Series 5 Opening Titles and Closing Credits www.youtube.com

Gun advocates promote the myth of guns as the great equalizer for women. They leap on any story about a woman fending off muggers or home invaders with her .45. This is supposed to distract us from the exponentially greater examples of guns maiming and killing women who own guns.

In the aftermath of his state's now biweekly mass shootings, Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw shared a story on Twitter about a Houston woman who shot some asshole. Lachelle Hudgins was parked outside her house when two men tried to rob her.

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Everywhere Else News

Parliament Speaker Borrows Obama's Time Machine To Englishly Channel Dead Breitbart

Lots of Parliament, very little Funkadelic.

Like most Americans, Yr Wonkette has only the vaguest idea of how Britain's Parliament works. We believe it has something to do with owls. Currently, Parliament is in, on, or adjacent to a bit of a sticky wicket because of The Brexit, because Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made it his goal in life to force the UK to leave the European Union without any formal deal, by October 31. Unfortunately for Johnson (and WTF-unately for Britain as a whole), his Conservative Party (also known as the "Tories" or "Those Fookin' Gobshites") lost its majority in Parliament yesterday when Conservative MP Phillip Lee bailed on the party and literally walked to the other side of the House of Commons to sit with the Liberal Democrats. So much for the Tories' one-seat majority! (Don't worry, there's no relation between Lee's changing seats and the speech being made in the video below, as far as we can tell.)

As they say in Old Blighty, it's a quite the load of kippers, or bollocks, or something!

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Guns

Walmart Takes Away Walmart Shoppers' Guns!

By asking them to please not open carry. SAME THING.

Following the horrific massacre at a Walmart in El Paso last month, plus a spate of threats from gunhumpers who wanted to shoot up Walmarts themselves, the Walmart company announced today it would stop selling ammunition in calibers used for handguns and for rifles like the AR-15 and AK-47 (and their knockoffs). What's more, the retailer said it would ask shoppers to no longer openly carry firearms in its stores, even in states with open carry laws.

We haven't looked extensively at Twitter, but we'll assume it's full of messages from wits explaining Walmart won't have to tell them to leave their guns home, because they're now BOYCOTTING this intolerable assault on liberty. Like this one dude with seven followers:

That's pretty good: Walmart only understands the "power of an uneducated mob rule populous," so I'm going to make you listen with a mass boycott. My uneducated mob will REALLY make the point.

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Guns

Texas Gunman Failed Background Check, Ipso Facto MOAR GUNZ NOW

Laws against shooting people don't work either, so might as well get rid of those too.

Officials said Monday that the gunman who killed seven people and injured 25 in a Texas highway shooting rampage Saturday had previously been stopped from purchasing a gun because he failed a federal instant background check. No details were given on why he had failed that background check, or how he obtained the AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle he used in the mass shooting. We're going to go way out on a limb and guess maybe he bought it in a private sale, which in Texas is not subject to background checks, because Texas believes in freedom.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott tweeted Monday that something must be done to keep guns out of the hands of violent bad guys!

Just as long as the something we do doesn't include strengthening background checks or extending them to cover private gun transfers, because either of those measures would inconvenience Responsible Gun Owners. Besides, even if we expanded background checks, this guy was a criminal who got a gun anyway, so background checks can never work, QED.

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News

Harry Potter And The Extremely Gullible Priest

School bans book series to prevent accidental witching.

As much joy and delight as the Harry Potter series has brought into this world, it has also brought a whole lot of stupidity. And I am not just talking about recreational Quidditch games and people in my age cohort using it as a reference point for nearly everything that happens in the world. As irritating as that may be sometimes, it's not difficult to see some similarities between an evil villain who feeds off the devotion from his obsessive followers and wants to rid the country of those he has deemed impure and Voldemort.

No, the stupid I am talking about here is the stupid that has come from certain religious people and groups, who for the past 22 years have burned the books, tried to ban them in various school districts, and warned parents off from letting their children read them, all because they think it will lead to children becoming interested in the occult. Heck, J.K. Rowling didn't receive a presidential medal of freedom award because officials in the Bush Administration were scared that the book "encouraged witchcraft." Yeah. Adult human beings who felt themselves competent enough to lead us all into a shitty, unending war were scared that a book series was going to turn children into witches. Marinate on that for a second.

Naturally, there was also a Jack Chick comic:

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Immigrants

Trump The Merciful Will Now Only Deport MOST Kids With Cancer

All praise to the Great Humanitarian!

The Trump administration has announced it will now not deport all the immigrants protected by a humanitarian program it suddenly ended last month with no public notice. Instead, US Citizenship and Immigration Services said in a press release Monday that it will reopen all cases that were pending on August 7, when the blanket denial of "medical deferment action" applications went into effect. Mind you, that doesn't mean the government is necessarily reversing its policy -- instead, this appears to be an effort to partly calm the shitstorm of publicity USCIS invited when news outlets got wind of the decision to start deporting sick people -- many of them children -- and sending them back to countries where many would die. Let's try not to applaud too loudly here.

For years, the "medical deferred action" program allowed a small number of immigrants and their families -- USCIS says it processes about a thousand applications a year, but denies a "majority" -- to stay in the US to continue medical treatment. But in Trump World, there is no room for humanitarianism, which is why Stephen Miller has taken steps to eliminate admission of refugees, and there's now no "My kid has cancer" in "immigration." Even in its announcement that it would reconsider the applications that it suddenly denied last month, USCIS was clear that sick immigrants really should just hurry up and die, because America has no use for them:

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Class War

A Nation That Isn't Crazy About Labor Celebrates Labor Day

Go watch 'Norma Rae' ... Or 'Matewan' ... Or maybe 'Office Space.'

Yr Dok Zoom wrote this Labor Day column in 2017. Here it is again, revised and updated to reflect The Current Moment!

Since Ken Layne wrote America's Ultimate Snarl about Labor Day in America in 2013, it seems a bit redundant to try saying anything more. Honestly, go read it. It's every bit as bleak as the title, "Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever," suggests. And funny as hell.

The thing about Labor Day is that while it was, at least for a few decades during the "Progressive Era," something that workers and unions actually marked with parades and demonstrations and stuff, it's been a long time since Labor Day has really been marked by anything but furniture sales and the mandatory newspaper piece on The American Worker and/or the Decline Of Unions.

The basic irrelevance of Labor Day, as a thing people give any thought to, means the federal holiday succeeded beyond the wildest dreams of those who made it official. The very first Labor Days in the 1880s were organized by labor unions, who went on strike to call for recognition of the union movement; the first organizers picked September 1 as a convenient date because it fell halfway between Independence Day and Thanksgiving. The establishment of the federal holiday was a fairly cynical move meant as a sop to angry trade unionists, in hopes that they'd be happy with a gesture from the government saying "OK, you exist. Good for you!"

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Immigrants

Maybe Donald Trump Can Explain How Killing This Woman Will Make America Great, Because We Sure Can't

God damn America.

Meet Maria Isabel Bueso, a citizen of Guatemala who has a rare genetic illness that was supposed to kill her before she reached her teens. She's 24 and a college graduate -- summa cum laude at that -- because doctors at UC San Francisco's Benioff Children's Hospital invited her to take part in clinical trials of a treatment for her condition when she was just seven years old. It worked, and she and others with the illness are now living decades longer! Talk about an inspiring success story! It was covered by the New York Times and then by the "Rachel Maddow Show" Thursday night.

Say hi to Isabel Bueso fast, before Donald Trump and Stephen Miller send her home to die, because the treatment she needs to stay alive is simply not available in Guatemala. She's yet another of the immigrants who had been allowed to stay in the US due to a "medical deferred action" program that the administration ended this month without announcement.

So yeah, she's alive today because of a treatment that she played a role in developing. And now we need to deport her because America has too many foreigns. Don't worry, though, the experts on Twitter -- who haven't read the story because the New York Times is full of lies -- figure she's an illegal alien who's a criminal and needs to be deported because she just does. Never read the replies.

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