That's one hell of a CPM.
We've been covering the grifting, self-dealing, back-biting, and civil waaaaarrrrrrr at the NRA quite a lot lately. This is because we love it when bad things happen to bad people. But sometimes good things happen to bad people. Like NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch.
Earlier in the week, when Five Dollar Feminist was researching whichever NRA post she was researching -- there were a lot okay?! -- she asked me how many individual ("unique," AND YOU ARE!) readers come to Wonkette every month, so she could compare it to this quote from wherever:
But Ackerman [McQueen, the NRA's ad agency, which is taking $40 million from the NRA per year] declined even to provide the N.R.A. with internal statistics on NRATV's viewership. A review of data from Comscore, which tracks web traffic, suggests why that might be: The NRATV site had just 49,000 unique visitors in January, and less traffic in March than Oklahoman.com, the website of Ackerman's hometown newspaper.
YIIIIIIKES, I said. Wonkette's unique readers -- which are at a record low since Facebook continued boning us and also you all got depressed by Bill Barr's interpretive dance about the Mueller Report -- were 459,000 in January, down from a much nicer average of 800-900k. But I wouldn't make too much of it, I said: Doubtless all NRA-TV's viewers were watching them at Youtube. When will I learn to stop being so fair?
Five Dollar Feminist is MAD ABOUT A THING.
Hey, Sugartits, wanna see a movie? It's about a family of Jewish bankers named Rothchild. No, not "Rothschild" like the prominent Jewish family featured in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories for literally hundreds of years now. This is totally different -- there's no "S." And these Rothchilds don't even have horns.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun! It stars Shia LeBeouf as the wayward son who murders all his relatives to get his hands on the family fortune. And that guy used to be Jewish, so you know he'll just nail it. And if he needs an expert, Mel Gibson will be on hand to tell him what Jews are really like. You know, like, how "the fucking Jews start all the wars" and we killed Jesus and made up the Holocaust. Just in case young Shia needs help getting into character. Gibson will play the sinister, old Jewish patriarch Whitelaw Rothchild.
Now I know what you're thinking, but Mel Gibson's publicist has assured the Daily Beast that this is in no wise a thinly veiled depiction of an actual, living Jewish family starring a guy who believes that Jews secretly control the world and start wars to enrich ourselves.
It's a nice day for some class treason!
Abigail Disney, the granddaughter of Walt's brother Roy (the one with business sense), is scheduled to testify this morning at 10:00 Eastern on CEO compensation and income inequality before the House Financial Services Committee, chaired by Maxine Waters. You should tune in! Or whatever the -in verb is for watching a webcast.
Ms. Disney isn't at all uncomfortable about trading on her famous name to draw attention to what she happily calls the "insane" gap between executive pay and average worker compensation. She's even called out the pay package for Disney CEO Bob Iger, who got $65 million last year in pay and bonuses -- she says she likes Iger just fine as a human being, but come on, nobody needs that much money.
Mike Pence told Liberty University grads what happens to kids who grow up to be gay-hatin' fascist crapsacks like Mike Pence.
Mike Pence spoke for the convocation at Liberty University this weekend, where a stunning 21,000 graduates are being released into the world with degrees that, while they might technically be valid, may not be worth the paper they're printed on in a lot of fields. And unto the 8,000 who attended the convocation he didst deliver a rousing message! Sure, it wasn't Oh, the Places You'll Go! but if you're a brainwashed snowflake-y gay-hatin' Bible beater, it landed well.
But it was more than that, though. Pence just wanted those kids to know that they are going to be persecuted to death for their beliefs, because there is nothing more whiny-ass than a white fundamentalist Christian who doesn't understand why the entire world hasn't conformed to what they believe is God's image.
BABY FOX BABIES, and some longreads and stuff
Happy Mother's Day, Wonkers! It's time for your weekly escape from the awful news of the week, which will still be there when you're ready to start paying attention to it again. Yr Dok Zoom is coming off a much-needed vacation since Wednesday, and wow did we ever need that chance to recharge our batteries. (Which involved shopping for a hybrid car; so hey, actual batteries.) So here we are, dragging our ass back to work and bringing you the Nice Things!
Ladies and gentleladies of America, this is your president.
UPDATE: When we wrote this story, the Vox interview it references talked about a SMALL CHILD Trump cheated off of. Vox has now issued a correction saying OOPSIE the person they were interviewing screwed up, and the person in question was in fact a YOUNG MAN, and we don't mean like "GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG MAN!" Apparently he's in his 20s. DOESN'T CHANGE HOW DONALD TRUMP IS A PIECE OF SHIT.
And now, on with our regularly scheduled post!
Stories of Donald Trump being a weak-ass thin-skinned loser who cheats at golf are myriad and they are all pathetic and gross. A quick perusal of internet dot com brings up a million stories about Trump cheating and lying on the golf course, "winning" tournaments he didn't actually participate in, and just in general acting like the same fucking pig on the golf course he acts like everywhere else. A lot of the stories are proliferating right now because a sportswritin' fella named Rick Reilly wrote a book called Commander In Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump, published about a month ago, about how Trump's boorish loser behavior in golf tells you a whole lot about the man who currently is stinking up the Oval Office with his orange skin flakes and his cheesy Big Mac farts.
As Reilly wrote in The Atlantic last month, "Whatever Trump Is Playing, It Isn't Golf."
Reilly has a new interview in Vox, and one snippet of it is flying around Twitter, because it's about Trump cheating at golf off A
LITTLE BOY YOUNG MAN OF A CERTAIN AGE. Part of the story was reported a couple of months ago at Golf.com, about a tournament Trump "won" but didn't even play in, because it was held during his Singapore fail-summit with Kim Jong Un. But the "cheating against kids STRAPPING YOUNG MEN" part is new!
The humanitarians at the Warwick, Rhode Island, School District announced last week that any students with "unpaid balances" on their lunch accounts would enjoy an exclusive menu of sunflower butter and jelly sandwiches. They'd dine with a scarlet "P" for "poverty" until they settled their tabs. They'd also be seated in the "point and laugh" section of the cafeteria.
Fortunately, yogurt company Chobani stepped up and offered to pay off the estimated $77,000 debt. It's also donating cups and yogurt to the Warwick community.
Warwick's per capita income is $23,100. The poverty rate is 6.7 percent. This includes children. Seventy percent of schoolchildren receive free or reduced price lunches. School is where many kids receive their only nutritious meal of the day. We don't need to make them feel bad about it. But weasels like Paul Ryan might disagree.
She seems horrible.
Dana Loesch won't stop being horrible. After yet another school shooting, the NRA cheerleader has scrambled to pin the blame on anything that's not a gun or gun shaped. She's currently going through the five stages of grift.
We think they're tired of being shot, Dana. Also you exploit people's fears for a living.
"How did two kids gain access to guns when guns are fucking everywhere, thanks to people like me?" Lady, minors live with adults. That's how it works. Your moronic organization has even opposed bills requiring parents to lock up their guns in a safe so children can't get to them.
You wonder how kids smuggled handguns into a school. They probably hid them because handguns are easily concealed. (Colorado is a concealed carry state.) And also, they are guns. A heroic child tried to stop the shooters and was murdered for his trouble.
Oh, and therapy is not a "warning sign" of potential homicidal impulses, you heartless hack. You just slandered countless kids.
Remember when 'conservatives' hated 'frivolous lawsuits'?
First Melania Trump sued the Daily Mail and a host of tiny bloggers for reporting the existence of a book that claimed she'd been an escort. (The Daily Mail settled; the bloggers ate varying degrees of shit.) Then Devin Nunes sued (but never served!) Twitter and his cow lover for the torts of "mockery" and "mean names." And now youngest ever certified securities frauder Jacob Wohl and lobbyist Jack Burkman are threatening to sue the Daily Beast for pointing out that, oh, they MIGHT HAVE induced a young man to falsely accuse gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg of raping him.
Is it wrong to falsely accuse someone of rape? Or is it wrong to interview the supposed accuser and type up his words claiming Burkman and Wohl had promised him a "lavish lifestyle," MAYBE falsely imprisoned him, and then (he alleges!) put out the false statement in his name?
According to Burkman and Wohl, it is the latter. And they're going to (threaten to) make the Daily Beast pony up, at least for legal fees, since they will never ever ever win an actual "libel and defamation" (yes, AND) suit on the merits.
Attention Hu-Mons: AI-generated racehorses, AI-generated Death Metal, & some carbon-based neat stuff.
If it's Sunday, then it must be time for some of those Nice Things we need to keep us going! Have another cup of coffee, turn off the damn news, and relax for a little while, won't you? Honest, the jerkwads and evil will be waiting when we get back, and you need a little time to recharge. Today: The Robot FUNpocalypse -- and other stuff!
He is very sad social media is not providing enough of a platform for these people.
This morning, Donald Trump woke up and went on a Twitter rampage, as he is wont to do. Today's subject? How very unfair it is that a bunch of far-right lunatics were kicked off of Facebook and Instagram this week.
In order to illustrate this point, he decided to retweet a bunch of extremely horrifying people, including Lauren Southern -- a lady who is most notable for being a proponent of the completely batshit "white genocide" conspiracy theory and also for being incredibly racist.
This should be a really big freaking deal. It's not going to be, because at this point we pretty much expect Trump to retweet professional bigots, but it should. Lauren Southern is so terrible that she's actually been banned from the U.K., but the President of the United States retweets her. That is messed up!
OK, McNaughton, now do one where he's pretending to drive a big, big TRUCK!
America's Greatest Living Artist, Jon McNaughton, has committed another crime against canvas, this time slopping together a painting called "MAGA Ride," featuring a fictionally slim Donald Trump on a big motorcycle, complete with flag-themed fender skirts, being applauded by all Americans while the home of the Enemy -- the US Capitol -- looms ominously in the background. At least we think it's supposed to be looming ominously, since that's what McNaughton says in the bullet points for this great artwork:
- Cracks in the road spell M A G A.
- Federal Capitol Building represents Trump's opposition among the Democrats and weak Republicans.
- The crowd of American supporters, from all backgrounds proudly wearing their red Make America Great Again hats.
- American Flag is a source of light.
- Artist paints himself in the painting.
OH, isn't that clever? The cracks in the pavement spell MAGA!!! Here, we have highlighted the cracks:
Sorry, that clearly says "MATTMIA," in memory of Matt, who is Missing in Action. But even if it does say "MAGA," that would appear to conflict with another part of McNaughton's own explication of the painting:
Looks like somebody missed some thetans!
In this week's episode of Antivaxxers Fuck Everything Up, we learn that a small cruise ship with up to 300 passengers and crew has been quarantined in the Caribbean island of St. Lucia since Monday, when health authorities learned a female crew member on the ship was diagnosed with the measles. Not just any old cruise ship, though -- the virusboat has been identified as the MV Freewinds, the cruise ship belonging to the Church of Scientology. Huh!
The NRA leadership is going to war with itself, and we mean WAR! Oliver North and Wayne LaPierre are locked in a cage match for control of the Murder Machine Lobby, and--dare we say it--it looks like they might both lose! Dream big, kids.
Last night, the Wall Street Journal published a letter from NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre to the NRA board accusing North, the organization's president, of attempting to extort him into resigning his position. See, North has a seven-figure contract with the NRA's longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen (AMc -- or, in LaPierre's letter, "AM"), which pays North to shout loony shit on NRATV. And now Oliver North and another board member are trying to get rid of LaPierre at the behest of their bosses/buddies at AMc. Show us your letter, Wayne LaPierre!
And then all America's history teachers resigned in shame.
Seems like the whole darn Trump clan (we'll use that with a "c" this time) was in the media today yapping about immigration. Don, the Don, was retweeting rightwing fearmongering about border-crossing murderers, while Fox News explained Jared Kushner is working on a "comprehensive immigration reform" plan that has TWO comprehensive points: both "Border Security" and "Legal Immigration."
We are reminded of Steve Martin's simple plan for having a million dollars without ever paying taxes: "First, get a million dollars..."
Meanwhile, on Fox Business, Lara Trump, Eric's wife, was invited to Stuart Varney's program for three minutes and 35 seconds. She was billed as responding to Hillary Clinton's op-ed on the Mueller Report (which Evan translated for you here) but after two minutes of Trump explaining Clinton did not win and her opinion is therefore irrelevant, Varney moved on to the extremely important topic of "the mother of all caravans," which will surely overwhelm America even worser than the other caravans that completely overwhelmed America.
Over a repeating video loop showing a vast sea -- or at least hundreds -- of brown people walking along highways in Mexico, Varney said it's perfectly reasonable to change the asylum laws, noting that after all, they let people ask for asylum and how is that even fair? Ms. Trump made the mandatory joke about how Democrats must surely want "all of these illegal immigrants" running loose in their sanctuary cities, then Varney pointed out the ominous parallel to how Europe has been overrun by refugees, SWARMS of refugees INFESTING a once-proud continent:
That's right, they put a helmet on him.
Poor sad Milo Yiannopoulos. Having fallen from what passes for the heights of alt-right glory, he's now reduced to begging people to please show up and be offended by him, like in that old Onion story about Marilyn Manson going door to door hoping to shock people. And even that grift isn't working so great for Yiannopoulos, it turns out, since he's been left in the lurch by the sponsors of a talk at a community college in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Were it anyone else, we'd suggest he might feel some empathy for the average subcontractor who did work for Donald Trump, but we suspect he'd look at us blankly and say, "No, this was ME getting stiffed. How could this happen to ME?"
Yiannopoulos announced his latest sad news in a post on Instagram, a truly insufficient medium since it doesn't let you see the tears and impotent rage:
Such a sad fellow, and SO ILL USED! Poor lad can't even blame "The Left."
I regret to announce that my sponsor for the Oklahoma events has failed to produce the funds needed for the events, and left me in debt to designers, lawyers and admin staff. I couldn't get a response out of him for days after three missed payment deadlines and today he confirmed he's dropping out entirely! Ho hum.
Thank goodness, Milo knows who's really suffering here. It is him, HO HUM. Also, his throngs of adoring fans!
Sorry to the hundreds of fans who have been writing excitedly over the past few weeks. Doesn't look like these speeches will happen now.
Oh, and the "designers, lawyers and admin staff"? Yeah, sucks to be them! Maybe he'll pay them. Or not. In any case, now Milo can look forward to his next adventure in grifting. Maybe a dinner theater production of To Kill a Mockingbird, with Milo playing all the parts, including Brett Kavanaugh.
Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations! Send us money so we won't have to stiff anybody, especially you, our readers, who get all our very best political dick jokes.
©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc