Nice Time

A Sunday Compendium Of Things That Don't Suck

Figured we could use that, huh?

Yr Wonkette has been fairly free of notable deleted comments this week. Sure, turgid love-muscle guy showed up after an absence of a couple months, but his schtick hasn't changed. So instead of our usual Dear Shitferbrains column, we figured we'd just bring you some stuff we've been reading and enjoying instead. Let's recharge our batteries, and then tomorrow we'll dive back into the horrorshow again. And, like, you can all recommend books and teevee and other relief from all the madness too, or at least you could, if Wonkette allowed comments, which we do not.

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Gavin McInnes Thinks His Neighbors Are Stupid.

Who are you gonna believe? Him or your lying eyes?

One of the worst phrases in the entire known universe is "girl next door." I have always hated this phrase, as it suggests that just because I am extremely glamorous, I do not have neighbors -- which I do. I have several neighbors and no one can say I don't. It also suggests that the mere virtue of having neighbors makes one somehow extra wholesome and pure, just like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Which is just plain wrong.

For instance, Gavin McInnes, who is terrible, has neighbors. And his neighbors -- unlike my neighbors, who find me delightful and whom I imagine very much enjoy my rendition of the Habenera from Carmen -- are not happy about it.

As Andy Campbell of Huffington Post reports, Gavin McInnes' neighbors in the Westchester County village of Larchmont are aware of who Gavin McInnes is, and are super embarrassed to have him in their neighborhood and don't want the world to assume that they are also heaping piles of radioactive garbage. As such, they have taken to posting "Hate Has No Home Here" signs in their yards. Good for them!

But this has made Gavin very, very sad. No one wants to talk to him, no one wants to talk to his family (even his wife, whom he would like to remind everybody, again, voted for Hillary Clinton). He feels he is being bullied! Oh no! Didn't anyone tell his neighbors that he's supposed to be the one doing the bullying, please and thank you?

Thus, he wrote them a long ass letter explaining that all the things they have read about him are lies, as are all the things he, himself, has written and done and said. He seems to think that, rather than having actually looked into his history as a professional bigot and leader of a violent Republican street gang and come to the conclusion themselves that he sucks, they have merely been brainwashed by people who hate how much he loves Donald Trump.

On the contrary! He is a good guy! And just a humorist! Because that is a thing people who are legitimately hilarious go around calling themselves all the time, rather than a thing people call themselves when they don't want to be held accountable for saying terrible things.

Here is part of the very gaslight-y letter. As you can see, dude is full of shit.

Towards the end of the incredibly monotonous screed, McInnes even manages to go full "If you're so tolerant, why won't you tolerate my intolerance!" on his neighbors -- a tactic that, shockingly enough, did not win them over.

Via Huffington Post:

What's telling about the letter is that McInnes seems to argue that displaying an anti-hate sign is an inherent attack on his family.

"If you are liberal then you are, by definition, tolerant, and if you truly eschew hate, you know that loving your neighbor ― your actual neighbor ― is where tolerance begins," he writes. "I am writing on behalf of my family to ask you to reconsider whether the message of your lawn sign moves our world and our village in the direction of love at all, or whether it sends a very different message instead."

HuffPost spoke to several Larchmont residents who cited various reasons for displaying anti-hate signs in their neighborhood, not all of them having to do with McInnes. But they all agreed on one thing: McInnes is full of it.

"If you're so tolerant, then put up a fucking sign in your yard, too, and stop being so narcissistic as to think that this is all about you," said one resident.

Another said: "He thinks liberals are stupid and will buy into his B.S. ― as a 'humorist,' he should understand that the joke is on him!"

This is some extraordinarily entitled bullshit. Nearly everyone I know and love grew up being hated by the small towns they grew up in. Weird kids, POC who grew up in mostly white areas, LGBTQ kids... pretty much everywhere for a very long time. You didn't see us writing any four page letters to our neighbors explaining to them that they were wrong to hate us. We just kept doing our own thing and waited until the promised day when we'd get to go live awesome lives and never have to deal with their bullshit again.

If any of us did, however, ever write such a letter, McInnes would be the first one calling us snowflakes and telling us we needed to toughen up and learn how to take a non-funny joke. He doesn't like it when people who are not straight white men ask to be treated with common decency, but it's a different thing entirely when he's the one on the outs.

As my favorite uncle once said in a completely unrelated situation, "everybody's gotta be somewhere!" And Gavin McInnes does, too. That, however, doesn't mean that anyone has to welcome him with open arms, speak to him or invite him to the neighborhood barbecue. If he wants to experience the warm welcome he believes he is entitled to, perhaps he should find an area filled with other people who are also terrible. Perhaps he'd be better off living in the kind of town that all the people he hates now fled as soon as they graduated. A place where people would actually like him and enjoy his company. Though that may be difficult, given that we're talking about someone who managed to get rejected by Glenn Beck of all people.

This is now your open thread! Have a lovely day!

[Huffington Post]

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Cussy Congresswoman Badass Making Chris Cillizza Cry :(

Chris Cillizza leading the parade!

The word on everybody's lips today is "motherfucker," which everyone hears at least once each Christmas while watching Die Hard. Brand-spanking new congresswoman Rashida Tlaib of Michigan used the word in public last night, and it's apparently an affront to common decency. Speaking of which, Donald Trump, the subject of Tlaib's scorn, uses foul language all the time. He's dismissed countries as "shitholes." He's been caught on tape boasting of grabbing women by their "pussies" and called Sally Yates a "cunt." There's also definitely, maybe recordings of Trump using a particular slur for black people that the editrix won't let me type here. It's possible that in the future, historians won't even bother referring to the 45th president by his birth name but will just call him "that motherfucker."

However, you can't beat Trump by joining him. That's the savvy political advice Chris Cillizza offered today. There are so many mediocre white guys out there coming for Rep. Tlaib that Cillizza's piece is a convenient one-stop shop for all the dumbest of dumb takes. When CNN wises up some wonderful day and fires his ass, Cillizza can just open up a "dumb take shop" in a small town where women don't swear or dance. Seriously, this motherfucker is always wrong, as we shall now demonstrate.

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New Congresswomen Dancing, Yelling And Cussing, Are Probably Witches

Reclaiming their time!

The Democrats took back the House Thursday with a rainbow coalition of young, brown, queer, and all-around awesome women. Republicans just can't handle it. Trey Gowdy even stumbled out of Congress yesterday like a drunk at last call.

The party of grumpy white men and Liz Cheney is especially flustered over New York's own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Republicans literally booed her on the House floor like she'd suggested they all go see "Holmes and Watson" later. They've really set their sights on "Sandy." Wednesday, Twitter user Dan Jordan, whose handle is "@realdanjordan" like he's someone anyone cares about, released devastating video of Ocasio-Cortez dancing. That's it. That's all she was doing. She was in college and participating in a meme that recreated the dance scene from The Breakfast Club. If the intent was to embarrass her, it failed. Although I think the country lost billions in productivity with everyone stopping to watch variations of the video, paired with an assortment of popular songs, multiple times.

It's not like Republicans haven't met any young people. Former House speaker and future hack lobbyist Paul Ryan was around Ocasio-Cortez's age when he joined the House. While plotting to starve grandmothers as a college frat boy, he was also a fan of Rage Against the Machine (the feeling was not mutual). It might seem like decades ago, but Republicans insisted it was unfair to hold the youthful indiscretions of a future Supreme Court justice against him. A young Brett Kavanaugh got into fist fights with blue-eyed soul singers and collected rape alibi calendars, but he at least had to decency to do this while white and male.

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Wingnuts Make Very Own 'Onion' Knockoff, For Jesus!

And it's kind of sweet sometimes?!?!

Today in Things We Didn't Know Existed Until Just Now: There's this sappy little Onion knockoff called the Babylon Bee, and it has actually been around since 2016 doing comedy stylings for evangelical Christians. It veers between mildly satirical jokes that are 100 percent safe for the rectory bulletin board ("Worship Leader Caught in Infinite Loop Between Bridge and Chorus") and hard-hitting political satire ripped from rightwing Twitter posts ("Flash Flood Warnings Issued As Liberal Tears Continue To Soak Nation," from June 2017). Let's take a look at what gets the fundagelical set laughing these days, shall we?

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Post-Racial America

BREAKING: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez *Isn't Who She Claims To Be*

Just kidding, Gateway Pundit's being idiotic and a liar, surprise surprise.

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez officially becomes a congressperson today, so we can expect the deranged obsession the right has with her to only intensify. Over the weekend, there was some controversy when Ocasio-Cortez proposed some radical position on policy that ... no, I'm just kidding. She just alluded to a Jennifer Lopez song. That's what had the Gateway Pundit flipping out.

This past weekend Ocasio-Cortez tweeted out a photo of her congressional office on Capitol Hill. She made the mistake of adding that she's just your average girl from the Bronx.

But Gateway Pundit had incontrovertible proof: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, in high school, went by the name Sandy.

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Film Bro Wishes Obama Were POTUS From The Movie In His Own Mind

Really, dude, it's just a list of films Obama liked.

When Barack Obama released his year-end movie list from behind his 10-foot wall, it was only a matter of time before some ragamuffin dudes just had to share their opinions about it. Owen Gleiberman, the film reviewer from Entertainment Weekly and now Variety, criticized Obama's personal tastes in a column called "What Barack Obama's Year End Movie List Reveals About Him." This is already stupid because I don't need Gleiberman to tell me what Obama's movie list "reveals" about him. That's fairly obvious. The list informs us which movies from 2018 he really likes. It's not secretly a treasure map with clues directing us to some hidden artifact. Yet Gleiberman was able to somehow able to read far more into it than was sensible.

On December 28, when Barack Obama posted a list of his favorite movies of 2018 (there are 15 films on it, listed alphabetically), you could see, hear, feel, and just about touch the paroxysm of rapture it set off within the film-critic community. To an extraordinary degree, he had validated their tastes. Obama, in that list, revealed himself to be a movie buff of the highest order, of the most exquisite and forward-thinking sensibility

This is why I stopped reviewing movies a while back. The "paroxysms of rapture" were terror on my knees. Let's check out our last mentally competent president's selections.

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Jerry Falwell Jr. Bad At Jesus Again

Boy, never would have seen that coming.

Jerry Falwell Jr. is getting some attention again, for being an asshole. The president of the Christian clown college Liberty University has always been one of Donald Trump's most steadfast fluffers, even in the face of rude liberals who point out how Trump isn't "Christian" in any sense of the word, and how it seems pretty hypocritical for the "family values" crowd to be falling all over itself for a thrice-married adulterer who is currently named as an unindicted co-conspirator for (allegedly! LOL) directing his personal lawyer to pay off the porn stars and Playmates he was fucking (allegedly! LOL) while his latest wife was home caring for their new baby. And he (allegedly! LOL) directed those payments in order to benefit his campaign!

In an interview with the Washington Post, Falwell gave a bunch of evangelical boilerplate answers about how he, a GOD-FEARIN' HETEROSEXUAL WHITE CHRISTIAN, could support Trump so much. For instance, he just thinks it's really dumb and bad for people to think we should embrace brown Mexican children, because when Jesus told the little children to come to him, He wasn't talking about THOSE kids:

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White Nonsense

Louis C.K. Exposes Himself As Unfunny Racist Jerk-Off Creep

Looks like someone's going after the alt-right market.

Audio surfaced this weekend of rightly disgraced comedian Louis C.K. performing a set at a Levittown, New York, club on December 16. The timing was unfortunate because C.K.'s career just missed inclusion on all the 2018 celebrity deaths lists.

After finally admitting, against his will, to repeatedly masturbating in front of women comics against their will, C.K. promised to "now step back and take a long time to listen." It was like the intro to a sex offender version of "The Real World." It seems he's spent that year listening to right-wing media and stewing in his own bile. His December act was repulsive and cruel. It's not the product of self-reflection but incensed rage that he has been held mildly accountable for his actions.

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Culture Wars

The Year In Garbage Men. In So Many, Many Garbage Men.

Fuckin' dudes. I tell ya.

Misogyny had a big year in 2018! We had MGTOWS and incels a plenty. We had Jordan Peterson fans galore. You want Ross Douthats? I'm glad there's not 20, because honestly one is enough and why does even the one have a column in The New York Times? We also had a ton of Nazis and Proud Boys and Alt-Right and Alt-Light people and other terrible people, who -- apart from a few "I'm totally on YOUR side, fellas! Please tell me I'm fuckable!" ladies here and there -- tend to mostly be men. Why? Because like 90% of all shittiness is boner-related. Freud was not that wrong.

But I digress! Here are a few of the fellas who made 2018 a somewhat more unbearable time to be a woman.

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Post-Racial America

2018: The Year Of The Personal Racism Concierges

Racists beware, we are armed with cell phones!

Bigots have long used cops as their personal racism concierges. 2018 was the year that black people started fighting back with the one-two punch of an iPhone and social media. Racists are getting dragged publicly and often losing their jobs because they questioned our right to exist in public spaces or even our own apartments. The only real upside to these stories is that I was paid to write about most of them.

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Post-Racial America

Ann "Black Liberationist" Coulter KNOWS The FBI Invented Kwanzaa, So White Liberals Can Suck It

The FBI did not invent Kwanzaa

African Studies Professor and legendary Black Liberationist, Ann Coulter, is getting a bit frustrated with White Liberals ignoring history.

Most holidays, Coulter sits alone in her dusty lair, waiting for a lost child to stumble upon her web so she can suck the joy from its soul. But not this year. This year she was far too busy shutting down the Government to drain any children. Ann didn't even find time to bitch and moan about the quiet desperation she feels from imagining the joyless, lonely, soul crushing years of life she has left stretching out endlessly before her until her ignoble end. Her struggle this year was the idea of all of those joyful blah people merrily frolicking beneath their Kwanzaa tree that gave rise to her violent misery. "Don't those sheep know anything?", she probably thinks to herself. "The black sheep are being fooled by those Liberal white sheep!!", she likely yells this outloud, but nobody would hear it. Ann's only friend is the misery she exudes from every pore. Nevertheless, she will teach those Liberal Blacks about the FRAUD of Kwanzaa on this VERY DAY. Because ROAR!

Unfortunately for America, Ann HATES being the only miserable one. And why should she be miserable, sad, and forgotten, when she can fire up her laptop to spread that shitty misery among people who don't deserve it? Everyone knows Ann is an extremely strange and annoying person. Nobody but Bill Maher has ever liked her. (FACTS!) Things that bother literally nobody else drive her batshit crazy.

Batshit Ann is also bored as fuck. So, of course she would "mock" liberals into feeding her need for attention by giving them a lesson on the history of violent black extremism, or as White Liberals call it, "Kwanzaa." From the union of Ann's misery and menacing boredom, we present An Article She Wrote.

Ann Coulter: FBI Created Kwanzaa And United Slaves To Kill Black Panthers At The COINTELPRO and White Genocide Festival.

(This should have been her headline.)

Daily Caller (Don't click this link):

The day after Christmas, President Trump issued his official Kwanzaa greetings from the White House:

This annual celebration of African heritage, unity and culture is a special opportunity for many to reflect on their shared ancestry and values. At this time, our nation joins in honoring the important contributions of African-Americans to the strength and success of the United States.

We have to assume this was Jared's idea.

You can clearly see the problem, right? Jared+Blah People+Greeting+Celebration= "Nicey Nicey Poo Poo" and that's NOT OKAY. Jared is the worst, nobody likes him at all, anywhere. I understand the impulse to light any and every idea that comes from Jared on fire and shoot it into space. But, we doubt he is the culprit. See, Daddy Trump gave him a vacay recently so he's laying low until it's grift time. Again. This was obviously written by Tiffany Trump or Barron; Jared would ask for 5 billion dollars.

Kwanzaa, celebrated exclusively by white liberals, is a fake holiday invented in 1966 by black radical/FBI stooge Ron Karenga —AKA Dr. Maulana Karenga, founder of United Slaves, the violent nationalist rival to the Black Panthers. Liberals have become so mesmerized by multicultural gibberish that they have forgotten the real history of Kwanzaa and Karenga's United Slaves.


I wonder where the fuck she's been every Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, 4th of July, Flag Day, Arbor Day-- you get my drift. All holidays are fake, honey. We, humans, invent holidays. Because if we didn't, we'd be just as depressing and imprisoned by our solitude and LACK OF JOY as you are, Ann. Fuck that, quite frankly.

Those were the precepts of Karenga's United Slaves. The United Slaves were proto-fascists, walking around in dashikis, gunning down Black Panthers and adopting invented "African" names. (I will not be shooting any Black Panthers this week because I am Kwanzaa-reform, and we are not that observant.)

Why did I just have a visual of dashiki wearing Rachel Dolezal carrying an AR-15, with a black baby strapped to her back? Must be the caffeine. Better switch to booze. Ok, this is better. THIS MUST BE THAT DRUNK HISTORY SHOW!

Kwanzaa praises collectivism in every possible area of life. It takes a village to raise a police snitch. When Karenga was asked to distinguish Kawaida, the philosophy underlying Kwanzaa, from "classical Marxism," he essentially said that, under Kawaida, we also hate whites.

I'm sure you noticed that Ann loves discussing fake Black history so much it actually does give her a feeling similar to what we humans call "joy." This is the reason her alien length arms flail around violently as she whines her hot takes about Black people to whichever Nazi is listening.

Only white liberals take Kwanzaa seriously. Black Americans celebrate Christmas.
Merry Christmas, fellow Christians!

Sadly, only one Liberal black sheep read this BRILLIANT (not) article. Me. Most black people don't read Tucker Carlson's bullshit rag. I was nominated, and am treated quite well for performing this service. I'll never have the time, energy, or interest in actually bothering to engage seriously with anything that crazy lady writes. I'll just check back regularly to see if she's made a friend, or has had a nice time with a human person every so often. Take care, and don't be like Ann. Love something.

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Trump Second Best At Being Most Admired (Again)

Tough break, Donald! You'll beat Barack Obama someday, LOL just kidding no you won't.

'Tis the season for Gallup to release its poll of the most popular kids in the whole entire universe! (Or more properly we should say "most admired," because that is what it actually is. And they didn't ask the whole universe, they just asked Americans.)

Surprise, Donald Trump isn't the most popular or admired. It's not like he doesn't have any friends or people who admire him or anything, so don't worry about the 45th president of the United States having to slow dance with himself in the corner with his back turned pretending he's making out with somebody when really he's just tongue-fucking loneliness. It's just that his friends are stinky and unbathed and racist and there aren't that many of them and there's no Electoral College in this poll to let him cheat his way in. Trump, as Gallup reports, is on his fourth year of being second place (first loser).

The winner, of course -- mentioned by 19 percent of respondents compared to Trump's 13 percent -- was that dude above, the last legitimately elected president of the United States, who was also the last legitimately American president and the last legitimately attractive president. As Gallup notes, he's been taking this prize for 11 years, running which, if you're keeping score, includes every year-end poll since he was elected in 2008, and also all three polls since Trump was elected. When will Trump overtake Barry Bamz-A-Lot? When pigs fly out of the pope's ass while he's shitting in the woods, that's when.

When Bamz beats Trump next year, he will be tied with Eisenhower for Dude Who Won This Thing The Most Times.

When Trump wins the title fucking never, he will be tied with Gerald Ford for Dude Who Sucks So Hard He Can't Even Win This Thing As The Goddamn American President.

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Trump Loses War On Santa

Look at these miserable bitches.

Ho ho ho, everyone! Merry Trumpmas! While we have been away snuggled up in our footie pajamas, drinking eggnog, and having fun with friends and family, guess what Dear Leader has been up to? If you guessed "moping and making kids sad," give yourself another adult eggnog as a treat, because you have the best thoughts. For his Christmas miracle this year, besides shutting down the government, our great and wonderful president decided he couldn't possibly fuck up at taking a few NORAD calls from kids. Since he's a special type of idiot, he decided it was time to get serious with 7-year-old children about "marginal beliefs" in Santa Claus.

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Meghan McCain Would Like Katrina Pierson To Be Less Stupid, Please

But she refuses!!

Meghan McCain is having one of her good moments it seems, and she's having it during a week of never ending dumpster fires and hellscapes. While it's definitely been a week of nonsense and bullshit, it has also been a week that has shown us that there are limits to the amount of ignorance that even some Republicans can take. Generally, when discussing McCain, our time is spent pointing out the many bad takes and attitude malfunctions for which she is known. So imagine our surprise when our eyes spied the "Ice Queen" herself smacking down her fellow Republicans; two GOP in particular, who are the biggest assholes that have ever graced a Fox New set. Now, why would McCain bother to tell Bill O'Reilly to "go fuck himself" while using words that were completely different from those we used here? And why did she tell Katrina Pierson how dangerously stupid she is in the meanest way allowable on social media?

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Forget Trump's Stupid Wall. The New Cruelty Is Up To Something Far Worse

People will die. But that's not America's problem, now is it?

Donald Trump is sucking all the air out of the national attention span at the moment with his plans to shut down the government over WALL, plus maybe revitalizing ISIS in Syria, but there's a far more insidious plan going into effect that he's not tweeting about. We doubt that's because he's trying to cover up anything; he's just a lot more excited by WALL and WAR at the moment. But while everybody is looking at the Emperor's New Invisible WALL, the administration is rolling out a plan to fundamentally change how the US processes asylum claims that is genuinely new, and will certainly result in asylum-seekers dying.

Instead of following the decades-long practice of allowing asylum seekers to live and work in the US while their asylum cases wait to be considered in court, the government will now force Central Americans seeking asylum to wait months or even years in Mexico until their cases get to an immigration judge. This may be the greatest Fuck You to people fleeing for their lives since 1939, when America sent the passengers on the M.S. St. Louis back to Europe to die in the Holocaust.

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