This Little Bahamian Girl Survived The Hurricane And You Already Guessed What Trump's Monsters Did Next!

Do you feel safer, America?

We sure wish we could be surprised by the Miami Herald's report that a 12-year-old Bahamian girl who fled the destruction caused by Hurricane Dorian was taken from her family and put into a shelter for "unaccompanied alien children" this week. And now the girl's mother can't get her out. But of course that happened. The family isn't Norwegian, now is it?

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Frottage Perv Mark Halperin REFUSES To Take His Gross Penis And Go Home

What part of GET THE FUCK OUT did you not understand???

Mark Halperin has trouble taking no for an answer. It's a demonstrated issue that cropped up again when he reportedly flipped out on his former boss Phil Griffin. The MSNBC president, like most of civilized society, hasn't forgotten that multiple women accused Halperin of rubbing his penis on them, against their will, at work. Griffin shot down a comeback attempt with Halperin's one-time "Morning Joe" buddies, and Halperin called him directly to, we assume, weep into the phone. When that didn't work, he got downright snippy.

Multiple sources tell The Daily Beast that the conversation earlier this year became acrimonious, with Halperin dishing up vague threats against his former boss.

You'd think someone who considered unwanted frottage "flirting" would at least make direct threats. But Halperin is probably only capable of cutting to the chase when he's threatening to ruin the careers of women who reject his advances. During Halperin's richly deserved #MeToo fall, CNN reported the following:

Another woman claimed Halperin threw her against a window before attempting to kiss her. When the woman rejected his advances, he allegedly called her and said she'd never work in politics or media again.

It's certainly ironic -- at least how Alanis Morissette defines it -- that Griffin told Halperin in so many words that he'd "never work in politics or media again." Halperin's weak-sauce threats, likely delivered while he was wearing his bathrobe, didn't successfully bully Griffin, who probably won't take his phone calls in the future.

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Fine, Here Is Your Damn 'Todd Palin Quits Marriage Halfway Through Term' Post, YOU HAPPY NOW?

Mazel Tov to the happy couple, whomever the happy couple might be, ALLEGEDLY.

We've received your letters and your tweets and your flares and your friendly gunshots out of airplanes that weren't intended for caribou this time, you just wanted to get Wonkette's attention.

We know. Todd Palin is goin' rogue. FROM HIS WIFE, SARAH PALIN.

Perhaps you have not noticed that we are busy.

In the Before Times (pre-November 8, 2016) Wonkette woulda been all over that like flies on shit. We used to revel in chronicling every immaculate conception by Our Lady Bristol, every drunken Big Gulp speech from Sarah, every "snowmobile accident." But in case you haven't heard, in case you haven't been paying attention, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH FUCKING NEWS THERE IS THIS WEEK? You think we got time for this redneck Palin shit?

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Post-Racial America

Who Does Felicity Huffman Have To Bribe Around Here To Stay Out Of Jail?

Prosecutors recommend a whopping month in jail for Huffman's assorted felonies.

The hammers of justice are about to strike Felicity Huffman. On Friday, prosecutors filed sentencing recommendations for Huffman and 10 other less famous but still obnoxiously rich parents who paid big money to cheat their spoiled kids' way into prestigious colleges. They pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud, which are felonies even if they sound boring. Huffman's sentencing is scheduled for next week and it looks like prosecutors plan to throw a thin leaflet at her.

The actress Felicity Huffman, who pleaded guilty to paying a consultant $15,000 to inflate her elder daughter's SAT score, is facing less potential jail time — prosecutors are now recommending one month of incarceration — than many of the about three dozen parents accused of wrongdoing in the scheme.

It's really not much of a college admissions "scandal" if one of the perpetrators is only facing a month in the joint. That's less a "scandal" than a "snafu." They're recommending sentencing Huffman to The Breakfast Club, and she's still trying to weasel her way out of anything close to actual punishment.

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Nice Time

You Don't Need A Weatherman To Know We've Got The Nice Things

That was one hell of a short week, huh?

Welcome, Wonkers, to another Sunday Nice Things, your weekly shelter from the endless crapstorm of awfulness out there. Time to take a break, have a cuppa, and relax for a moment. We'd tell you to put your feet up, but we saw what you tracked in.

In hyper-local news, a Boise area man was immobilized for nearly an hour by his recently-adopted cat, Thornton, who wanted a hug.

I am at this moment typing with a cat in my lap; the little purrbooger has an arm and his chin resting on my left forearm. It's exactly what I signed up for. Now let's get on with the Nicetiming, shall we?

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There can be only one.

There is much handwringing across the Internet as our old NEMESIS (not our nemesis) ThinkProgress announces fuck it, they're done. Most of the handwringing on Twitter has been to remind people that the tweeter in question used to work there, so it wasn't ONLY peopled with neoliberal corporatist sheeple from the Center for American Progress. (They also slam Neera Tanden a lot, but most of the journalistic "interference" they cite from ThinkProgress's umbrella organization, CAP, was either A, Israel yeah for sure, or B, the time CAP bigfooted ThinkProgress because they offended Bernie Sanders by pointing out he stopped saying "millionaires" when he became one.) Some tiny bit of the handwringing has been to remind folks that there is no longer any "center-left" thinktank-funded journalism in all the land, while John McCain's son-in-law Ben Domenech got fat and bloated sucking off whoever funds The Federalist.

While Wonkette would be delighted to buy ThinkProgress, Wonkette does not have three million dollars a year to cover TP's operating shortfall. But thank you in advance for suggesting it in the comments.

ThinkProgress is not the only website Wonkette has defeated. Wonkette has defeated Gawker. (Well, maybe some billionaire vampires did that.) (And okay, we guess it was "bought" by Bustle.) (Like Mic.) (They're both pretty well and truly dead.) (Good luck to recent Bustle purchase The Outline, we're rooting for you.) Wonkette has defeated your twee writerly favorites -- and ours! -- The Toast and The Awl. We have beheaded the excellent Videogum and the decidedly not excellent Weekly Standard and the not-not-excellent PS Mag and the not-not-not-excellent -- actually I've no idea -- Snowden archives, which the Intercept stopped hosting because its billionaire got bored or Glenn Greenwald needed MOAR DOGS. We've also noted with resignation, just weeks ago now, the passing of the often-difficult Shakesville, understanding implicitly her final post about the dagger to your soul and body of sitting on this ungodly Internet 12 hours a day, watching President Fuckhead fuck heads.

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Post-Racial America

University Of Alabama Dean YOU'RE FIRED For Tweeting While Black

Conservatives should start defending his 'freedom of speech' any minute now ... just hold on ... any minute.

Finally, someone in Alabama is losing their job because of racist conduct! Don't get too excited. It's not Gov. Kay Ivey, who was part of a blackface comedy troupe at Auburn University. No, it's Jamie R. Riley, assistant vice president and dean of students at the University of Alabama (roll tide!). Riley resigned after less than seven months on the the job. That's a lifetime in Scaramuccis but shockingly brief for academia. What horribly offensive racist act could he have perpetrated? Well, Riley, who is black, made some controversial statements on Twitter about America and race. They were a few years old, before he even started his drive-through tenure at Alabama.

Breitbart broke the "story" about Riley's tweets, because it enjoys breaking black people. Shirley Sherrod lost her position in the Obama administration because of a Breitbart smear job. Digging through someone's Twitter feed for problematic tweets has replaced digging through someone's garbage for incriminating documents, like a take-out receipt from Olive Garden. People say a lot of racist stuff on Twitter. Ben Shapiro once marked Travyon Martin's 21st birthday with a glib joke about his shooting death. Riley however seems to have made the critical mistake of tweeting while black. You can get away with posting that MLK quote about how "hate cannot drive out hate," but anything else is risking controversy. Let's take look at Riley's terrible, awful tweets:

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Culture Wars

David Brooks Stands Athwart History Yelling 'BOTH SIDES!'

I've Been To Twitter, But I've Never Been To Me

New York Times columnist David Brooks has once again plumbed the zeitgeist and found it should agree more with the last reasonable man, David Brooks. His latest column, "The First-Person Ravings of an Internet Extremist Person, as Accurately Imagined by Me, David Brooks," is a howl about all the fanaticism and bad-faith arguments you find on the internet, as distilled through the muddy centrism of America's muddiest centrist. Behold!

I am a sick man. I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased.

I am one of those fanatics on the alt-right and the alt-left, the ones who make online forums so vicious, the ones who cancel and call out, the minority of online posters who fill the air with hate. I'm one of those radicals whose rage is intertwined with psychological fragility, whose anger at real wrongs is corrupted by my existential panic about myself.

See what he did there? He is getting inside the psyche of an internet troll, and to David Brooks, internet trolls come in two voices: the Angry Far Left and the Angry Far Right, and both are TERRIBLE. And they're also roughly equivalent, because in the keen analytical mind of David Brooks, there's not a heck of a lot of difference between people who are angry about racism and sexism, and people who want to create a white homeland where women finally know their place. They're all so angry and excessive!

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Mommyblogging The Ben Folds And Cake Show, By Me, A Mommyblogger!

These are not the Cake we like!

I knew I was 46 years old when on the way down to the Cake show, we heard that song "Signs," and for the first time in my life, I thought, "maybe he put up a fence to keep you out and to keep Mother Nature in because a bunch of GODDAMN HIPPIES KEPT COMING IN AND TRASHING THE PLACE" and also, "WAIT, THIS WHOLE SONG IS BECAUSE HE HAS TO WEAR A SHIRT???? FUCKING 1960S MILLENNIALS!"

Sorry, Millennials, that might be the unfairest I have ever been to you, who would literally not be born for another decade-plus, and I'm a real dick to you guys sometimes!

Signs - The Five Man Electrical Band 1971

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Harry Potter And The Extremely Gullible Priest

School bans book series to prevent accidental witching.

As much joy and delight as the Harry Potter series has brought into this world, it has also brought a whole lot of stupidity. And I am not just talking about recreational Quidditch games and people in my age cohort using it as a reference point for nearly everything that happens in the world. As irritating as that may be sometimes, it's not difficult to see some similarities between an evil villain who feeds off the devotion from his obsessive followers and wants to rid the country of those he has deemed impure and Voldemort.

No, the stupid I am talking about here is the stupid that has come from certain religious people and groups, who for the past 22 years have burned the books, tried to ban them in various school districts, and warned parents off from letting their children read them, all because they think it will lead to children becoming interested in the occult. Heck, J.K. Rowling didn't receive a presidential medal of freedom award because officials in the Bush Administration were scared that the book "encouraged witchcraft." Yeah. Adult human beings who felt themselves competent enough to lead us all into a shitty, unending war were scared that a book series was going to turn children into witches. Marinate on that for a second.

Naturally, there was also a Jack Chick comic:

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Class War

A Nation That Isn't Crazy About Labor Celebrates Labor Day

Go watch 'Norma Rae' ... Or 'Matewan' ... Or maybe 'Office Space.'

Yr Dok Zoom wrote this Labor Day column in 2017. Here it is again, revised and updated to reflect The Current Moment!

Since Ken Layne wrote America's Ultimate Snarl about Labor Day in America in 2013, it seems a bit redundant to try saying anything more. Honestly, go read it. It's every bit as bleak as the title, "Labor Day Is a Scam To Keep You Poor and Miserable Forever," suggests. And funny as hell.

The thing about Labor Day is that while it was, at least for a few decades during the "Progressive Era," something that workers and unions actually marked with parades and demonstrations and stuff, it's been a long time since Labor Day has really been marked by anything but furniture sales and the mandatory newspaper piece on The American Worker and/or the Decline Of Unions.

The basic irrelevance of Labor Day, as a thing people give any thought to, means the federal holiday succeeded beyond the wildest dreams of those who made it official. The very first Labor Days in the 1880s were organized by labor unions, who went on strike to call for recognition of the union movement; the first organizers picked September 1 as a convenient date because it fell halfway between Independence Day and Thanksgiving. The establishment of the federal holiday was a fairly cynical move meant as a sop to angry trade unionists, in hopes that they'd be happy with a gesture from the government saying "OK, you exist. Good for you!"

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Nice Time

A Pleasing Plethora Of Puppies And Other Nice Things

Heading up to Nice Things for the Labor Day weekend show.

It's a holiday weekend and we yet again wake up to news of horror in Texas that happened on Saturday. Plus there's that hurricane out there. If you need to get to shelter, get to shelter, you! And if you're in need of a breather, we have some de-stressifying stuff for you!

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Tomi Lahren Admits That Her Very Patriotic Leggings Were Made In China

You are welcome, America.


As you may recall, last week, Tomi Lahren debuted her new line of "athleisure wear," which she assured us were way more American and patriotic than all of the other commie athleisure brands out there. As you may also recall, just a few hours after Wonkette published my little article on Tomi's latest venture, I discovered that this very patriotic line of $80 yoga pants for women who don't hate America was, in fact, made in China.

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By which I mean come see us tonight, Vancouver, and tomorrow, Seattle!

My mom, God love her, has a touch of Marianne Williamson to her, a vestige of her 30 years with healing crystal friends in Southern California. She doesn't have Williamson's anti-science crazy, but she holds the idea that if I talk about my paranoia, my deep suspicion verging on certainty that His Lunatics have already started their shooting war, I am putting it out there in the universe and creating it as fact.

I always yes her. Yes, Mom, yes, I know. Of course, yes. I never argue that we need to be alert to the dangers around us, and that refusing to name the monster will not make it go away.

I am supposed to plump you up here, to assure you that in the case of that shooting war, we will have the military on our side, and we may. But we won't have the small town police departments, or even the Portland PD. I am not supposed to let the shooting war enter my brain at all, or I will ideate their bullets with the 3D printer of my mind. I must be a cheerful warrior, pure of heart and without fear; paranoia is bad for readership, unless your readers are stupid wingnuts desperate to SELL GOLD and BUILD THEIR BUNKERS for the HOLY RACE WAR they've got their sad old boners for.

I have been on vacation I think a week now, and the paranoia hasn't receded a bit.

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Culture Wars

MAGA Hat Creeps Must Have Some Weird Kink For Getting Their Asses Kicked By Liberals

MAGA asshole went looking for a fight in Portland and actually found one.

The president of the United States is an asshole. There have probably been other asshole presidents -- we have our suspicions about JFK -- but Donald Trump is the first to govern openly as an asshole. (Except a bunch of the Republicans. But Trump is more.) This has inspired amateur assholes across the nation to flaunt their alternative lifestyle. They put on the red "Make America Great Again" hat Trump wears whenever his Muppet hair misbehaves, and they go out into the world and make asses of themselves. This usually ends poorly.

It seems like they want to get confronted and hassled for wearing a MAGA hat. Maybe it's their way of stepping temporarily into the shoes of people who have a hard time in the world just because they're a minority or queer. Just kidding, nah. They just want to troll the libs and "prove" we're all close-minded, intolerant hypocrites. We guess that's what you do with your free time when sex is firmly off the table.

Last Saturday, a guy in a MAGA hat got his ass kicked outside a Portland, Oregon, bar. PDX hipsters are traditionally more lovers than fighters, but that was before Barack Obama divided the nation. We don't think anyone, even Trump-supporting assholes, should be attacked because of what they're wearing. Period. However, it turns out this particular asshole might've been spoiling for a fight.

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Appeals Court Says Minnesota Camera Bigots Don't Have To Shoot Gay Weddings, STRAIGHTS ONLY!

Still this in 2019? Yes, still this in 2019.

Carl and Angel Larsen of St. Cloud, Minnesota, don't like gay people, and they REALLY don't like gay weddings. In fact, they hate gay weddings so much they sued to be exempted from a civil rights law, so their business could openly discriminate against same-sex couples. And now, ruling in their favor in Telescope Media Group v. Lucero, a federal court has given them the go-ahead.

The Larsens own Telescope Media Group (TMG) and they want to expand their business to start videotaping weddings. But because their religion apparently requires them to be homophobic, they only want to tape straight weddings. This is prohibited by the Minnesota Human Rights Act (MHRA), which bans discrimination in public accommodations on the basis of sexual orientation. Basically, when a business is open to the public, it isn't allowed to discriminate.

Along with discriminating against same-sex couples, the Larsens want to include a disclaimer about how much they hate gay weddings on their website, saying:

Because of TMG's owners' religious beliefs and expressive purposes, it cannot make films promoting any conception of marriage that contradicts its religious beliefs that marriage is between one man and one woman, including films celebrating same-sex marriages.

Because gay married people don't deserve to celebrate and be happy, obviously.

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