Time Honors Greta Thunberg, Nobody Being Insane About It Even At All

It's a greenhouse gas, gas, gas.

Time magazine named teen climate activist Greta Thunberg its 2019 Person of the Year yesterday, making her, at 16, the youngest person to ever receive the title (and no, all those fresh off the shelf computers in 1983 don't count). The cover article noted that she'd started her climate protests alone in August 2018, skipping school to stand in front of the Parliament building in Stockholm with a sign reading "Skolstrejk för klimatet: 'School Strike for Climate.'" The idea caught on, and now Greta is the face of what finally seems to be a global surge in people demanding their governments address a civilizational crisis.

Somehow, a memo must have gone around Greater Wingnuttia, because all of a sudden yesterday rightwingers were OUTRAGED that Time hadn't given the honor to the pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. Sure thing! Remember how concern for the protesters in Hong Kong has been one of the great causes of the American Right all year? Nope, us either.

Donald Trump Jr. set the tone, and just look at the sick burn he tossed at Time, with Greta's own words, wow, such burn, many libs triggered.

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Culture Wars

Donald Trump Knows Where His Jews Are

This attempt to 'fight anti-Semitism' couldn't backfire, could it?

Donald Trump is reportedly all set to sign an executive order that's ostensibly aimed at cracking down on anti-Semitism on college campuses, or at least allowing the Education Department to punish schools that take part in or tolerate boycotts of Israel. But the particular mechanism Trump's using to shoehorn protections against anti-Semitism into civil-rights laws has plenty of people on the internets worried, because what the fuck is this fuckery?

The New York Times 'splainers the order's ostensible rationale:

Under Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the department can withhold funding from any college or educational program that discriminates "on the ground of race, color, or national origin." Religion was not included among the protected categories, so Mr. Trump's order will have the effect of embracing an argument that Jews are a people or a race with a collective national origin in the Middle East, like Italian Americans or Polish Americans.

Well isn't that nice? Nothing bad could possibly come of an official declaration that American Jews are a whole 'nother nationality, could it? Sure, maybe Donald Trump already talks about Jews as if they're not really Americans, but there's no way this could have any untoward implications, apart from perhaps inflaming that old anti-Semitic slander that Jews are always a people apart, foreigners in their own land. Gosh, wonder if anyone's ever written a book on the matter?

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Good Thing Clint Eastwood Can't Libel The Dead

Midnight in the Garden of Clint Eastwood, go fuck yourself.

A long time ago, I determined that writing about art without having seen the work in question was SOME BULLSHIT, and I've tried to live by that since. But sometimes Clint Eastwood goes and calls a dead female reporter a whore, and it will remain, like most of Eastwood's ouevre, unforgiven.

I haven't watched a Clint Eastwood movie since the sadist lovingly lingered on a small boy getting ax murdered to bitses in a chicken coop in the Angelina Jolie vehicle Changeling. Because he's a fucking sadist. And as Liz pointed out to me in the chat cave while we discussed his marvelous, manly filmography, "That guy is fucking filth, and if there's one thing you can say about all the Karens and Beckys of Gen X, we certainly know who not to give our money to."

Liz, as she so often is, is correct. Now about that whore reporter.

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Culture Wars

Sad Wingnut Explains Slavery Saved Souls

Also cites Jordan Peterson a lot, so you know he's smart.

Twitter brings us glimpses of the world we might otherwise not know about. We're especially fond of the medievalists who share bizarre marginalia from illuminated manuscripts, like weird (non-white) mermaids or violent rabbits. Along similar but far less pleasant lines, yesterday a tweet brought to our attention a bizarre opinion piece at the American Conservative site, in which a dude gripes about how "postmodernism" destroyed his church. That horror was exemplified, among other things, by the time a guest sermon by a mean identity-politics black person said it was "sinful" to point out the simple fact that the slave trade brought millions of Africans to Christ.

See? Every bit as odd as medieval mermaids.

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Nice Time

It Is Very Punk To Like Kittycats, Okay?

Cats are pretty punk all on their own, thank you very much.

Welcome again to your weekly escape from all the nastiness out there! Let's dive right into the kitties and puppies and stuff, shall we? A quick reminder to folks who wonder when THEIR lovely pet pics will be featured in Nice Things: Check the date on that calander next to little Beto up there. I have a LOT of your kitty and doggy and ferret pics, and I may not get to 'em all immediately, or ever. But I will try! Yes, you can post or email more, but only if you promise you'll at least try to be patient!

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Do Us A Favor, Though: Get Wonkette Merch For Everyone On Your Holiday List

Just say Feck It, through The Gift Shop

OK, listen up you HUMAN SCUM! It's your Doktor Zoom, and we need to have a word. A word about MOVING PRODUCT.

Yr Wonkette has t-shirts and coffee mugs and shot glasses to move, and you, our beloved readers, have holiday shopping needs. Let's see if we can't come to a mutually beneficial arrangement, OK? Sure would be a shame if we had to withhold military aid to you because you aren't buying Wonkette merch for all your relatives, and selected frenemies. So if you know what's good for you (snark and politics and stuff), you'll do your patriotic duty and GO SHOPPING. (Haha, remember when, in a more innocent era, we thought that was as bad and stupid and vulgar as it could get?)

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Post-Racial America

Nikki Haley So Sad Dylann Roof Made Confederate Flag All Racist

The flag was such a symbol of diversity and inclusion before 2015.

Well, damn, Nikki Haley is going to be president. We're not any happier about that than you are, but we only have ourselves to blame. Our 2020 Democratic nominee -- based on the current top four candidates -- has a 75 percent chance of being over 70, a 75 percent chance of being male, and a 100 percent chance of being white. I don't have a problem with old white people. I used to leave cookies out for one every Christmas. I'm sure I'll vote for the old guy who's not Trump. I'm just worried. I've lived through Mondale, Dukakis, Gore, and Kerry. (Hillary won that shit. Don't @ me.)

Haley is a woman of color and under 50. She's who you'd think would lead a party with a diverse electorate. She's also the former governor of my home state of South Carolina. She was a Republican who did lots of Republican things, but she demonstrated some humanity in 2015 after Dylann Roof murdered nine black people at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. She jeopardized her political capital with the very people who put her in office and ordered the Confederate flag removed from the statehouse.

You can tell Haley has higher political ambitions these days than stroking Donald Trump because she's trying to strike the right balance between doing right by black people and doing right by racists. She sat down for an interview this week with Kentucky colonel Glenn Beck and dropped a load of "Lost Cause" bullshit right on our clean floor.

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History Facts

Stupidest Jim Hoft's Brother On The Internet Can't Believe We're Not Executing Democrats

In which a Doktor of Rhetoric's head explodes.

Joe Hoft, the idiot brother of Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft, wants to know why we aren't killing Democrats yet for plotting to overthrow Donald Trump, because after all, the conspirators who assassinated Lincoln all danced the Hemp Fandango, didn't they? Yes, he's as serious as any of the idiots at Gateway Pundit ever get.

Here's the historical "logic," boldface and all:

President Trump is arguably the best US President since Lincoln, the last great President removed from office by Democrats.

Lincoln was assassinated after holding the country together and freeing Democrat owned slaves during the great Civil War. President Trump is too good for the Democrats. He has an 'America First' agenda which the traitorous Democrats and elites despise.

It's time that we Americans stand and call this what it is. This is another Democrat attempt to remove a President through any means necessary. It is seditious and treasonous. The Democrats in the 1860's that were in on the Lincoln assassination were killed in their escape or hanged high. ["hanged high" is highlighted in red at the site, because that is what the color of blood is, indicating Joe Hoft is quite serious indeed -- Dok]

We are entering a new phase when it's time to hold all seditious and treasonous Democrats who actively act to remove President Trump from office to the same fate!

Mind you, that's just the preface to the article. It gets even stupider after that. But the piece represents an apotheosis of sorts for the historical idiocy pushed by charlatans like Dinesh D'Souza and "Prager U": The Democrats of a century and a half ago supported slavery and Jim Crow, and party realignment never happened, so today's Democrats are exactly the same, and probably are seditious traitors, too. Just like that great Democratic hero John Wilkes Booth.

Also, please pour one out for poor Richard Milhous Nixon, who you might think would fit the category of "removed from office by Democrats." We aren't sure whether Hoft doesn't mention him because he wasn't a great president, or because Republicans had the good sense to tell Nixon it was all over.

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Wholesome American Guts: Your William S. Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer 2019

For John Dillinger, in hope he is still alive.

Yr Wonkette began posting this Thanksgiving Prayer by William S. Burroughs and Gus Van Sant back in 2006, and quite a few things have changed since then. The deadpan list of Bloody American Triumphs is more relevant than ever in this annus horribilis of 2019, and if Burroughs were with us today, he might look at his 1986 poem and wonder how he'd ever been such a starry-eyed optimist. Back in the anxious Thanksgiving of 2015 we fretted because the presidential campaign featured "serious debates over registering religious minorities and bringing back torture." Heh. We were so innocent back then, and didn't think that guy had any chance of really getting elected.

William S. Burroughs - A Thanksgiving Prayer

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It's The Great Thanksgiving Drink-All-Day Of 2019!

Do it up right.

One year -- it was 2005, I remember because it was the Great Thanksgiving Drink-All-Day of 2005 -- my mom put me in charge of booze. Because I am brilliant and also fun, I went to the hangar-sized liquor store in Costa Mesa and bought tiny airplane bottles of every different premium gin so we could all do taste tests. Suparna liked the Hendrick's! I liked the Thompson's! (Which the internet tells me cannot ship to the United States? TRUMP WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW.) Everybody else liked other everything elses! The tiny bottles meant we sipped like hamsters, creating a perfect toasty buzz all day that never fell over into us falling over. I mention this because I have nothing else to start this post with.

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Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday

Easy breezy beautiful recipe hub!

Some time ago, on our way home to Montana from Mexico Winter Birthday Fun, we stopped over in Denver just in time for the ice blizzard, and they put us on the bad plane. Then they put us on the other bad plane. Then I made the executive decision we were taking a cab to the nicest hotel in Denver, whatever it might be. And it was.

The Oxford Hotel's attached restaurant, Urban Farmer, was extraordinary. More importantly, when we went back the next morning for the partly-comped breakfast, it had a Bloody Mary bar that stretched over probably eight feet of counter. I had never encountered such a thing! Candied ... bacon, you say? WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I am about to tell you. Having a Bloody Mary Bar brunch like the Urban Farmer did was my new #goals.

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Culture Wars

Chick-Fil-A, Last Bastion Of Christian Values, Falls To Gay Agenda, America Over

Let the orgies and tree worship begin!

Wingnut America is having itself a fine pity party after Chick-fil-A announced Monday that starting January 1, its charitable foundation would no longer donate to two organizations that oppose gay rights, the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. in the future, Chick-fil-A says it will focus its giving on groups that address education, homelessness and hunger, like Junior Achievement USA and Covenant House International, plus donations to local food banks.

Wingnut fundamentalists took the news calmly, saying they were disgusted to see the fast food company insult Jesus Christ like that by knuckling under to liberal cancel culture, and loudly proclaiming they'd never set foot in a Chick-fil-A again. Here's SuperChristian HeteroGuardian and moral pest Matt Walsh, who has previously fretted about little kids being gay-indoctrinated by purple hippopotamus unicorns. Walsh was deeply, personally hurt about it all damn day!

And those first two were among the relatively tame reactions. For a more unhinged take, let's turn to ... oh, how about Matt Walsh AGAIN. Not only did Chick-fil-A capitulate to the Evil Leftist Gays, it actually betrayed Jesus Christ Himself!

To be fair, Walsh had all morning to work himself up into a lather between the first and last tweets. Later in the day, he may have accused Chick-fil-A of personally participating in the Crucifixion; we didn't see.

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Nice Time

Yr Wonkette Has A Three-Month Stockpile Of Nice Things

Happily, no need for rationing!

Switzerland ignited a very civilized -- if somewhat jittery -- outcry last week over its decision to stop stockpiling coffee beans as part of a century-old program to make sure that basic essentials of life can be made available to all Swiss folks in case of an emergency. Smithsonian magazine explains:

In the wake of World War I, Switzerland's government decided to stockpile enough essential items to sustain the country's citizens for three months. If the landlocked country faced severe shortages, the plan's creators reasoned, its residents would be able to survive on the rations. Today, writes BBC News' Imogen Foulkes, the list of staples earmarked for stockpiling includes fuel, fresh water, animal feed, medicine, sugar, flour, cooking oil, rice and—to the great satisfaction of Switzerland's caffeine-loving population—15,000 tons of coffee.

The Swiss government noticed that coffee has no real nutritional value, but came to the erroneous conclusion that means it's not an essential of life. Swiss people respectfully disagreed, and if they hadn't had their morning coffee, may have been somewhat less respectful. The government is now reconsidering the decision. Especially since a lack of coffee may constitute an emergency in itself.

Along similar lines, we would like to think that in these Hell Times, a regular supply of cat pictures, please, and other fluff may seem easy to dismiss, but nonetheless necessary for mental health. Or at least a welcome reminder that even in the deepening gloom, your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

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New Ohio Law Would Provide Religious Students With A Safe Space From Facts

Our religious beliefs declare this post brilliant.

Ohio just decided to make their kids dumber. The state House of Representatives passed the Student Religious Liberties Act this week. The legislation will permit students to answer questions with any nonsense they want as long as it's what they think Jesus would do.

The bill passed the Republican-controlled House 61 to 31 or eleventy million to zero if you reject Satan's math. It will now move to the Senate, which religious-pandering Republicans also control. This is the relevant crazy-making portion of the text:

No school district board of education (...) shall prohibit a student from engaging in religious expression in the completion of homework, artwork, or other written or oral assignments. Assignment grades and scores shall be calculated using ordinary academic standards of substance and relevance, including any legitimate pedagogical concerns, and shall not penalize or reward a student based on the religious content of a student's work.

Ohio Rep. Timothy Ginter insists critics of the law are just possessed by liberal demons. The law will not in fact permit what it clearly says it will allow. Don't worry. Students can't refuse to answer test questions because the material conflicts with their religious views, but they can denounce their teachers as heretics. Gitner offers as a hypothetical Christian and Jewish students who believe (incorrectly) that the world was created just 6,000 years ago and is barely older than The Phantom of the Opera. He doesn't even bother to include anything a Muslim student might believe that also ignores observable scientific evidence.

The Simpsons - Bonerland

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Right Wing Extremism

Meet The Neo-Nazi Dickbags Recruiting Your Dull Teenager On The Funny Meme Site!

Just another day on the internet.

Just another dispatch from the uglystupid corners of the internet: Vice reports that neo-Nazi groups are using the meme site iFunny to recruit teenaged boys looking for amusing memes about anime, school, and of course blowjobs. Among the groups trying to spread a little bit of hate through stupid memes is a group calling itself "The Base," which appears to think it's very edgy for naming itself after the English translation of "Al Qaeda."

Last week, The Base uploaded a new propaganda video showing the group training in the United States on the meme website iFunny. The video shows 11 members, all dressed in camouflage and armed with assault rifles, marching and conducting firearms drills, and culminates with a good old-fashioned book burning in a poorly built fire. (Members tossed the United States flag into the flames for good measure.)

The edgy shitlords, or shitty edgelords, even took a photo of themselves with a goat's head, because they're exactly the sort of meme warriors who know what's likely to attract likeminded kids: vaguely satanic imagery from a 1987 hair metal band.

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Fine Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut For The Armistice. Pray For Peace.

Peace is impossible, so we'll settle for a traditional wish for peace.

It is November 11, 2019, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 101st anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our eighth consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that!

Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?

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