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Culture Wars

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott Saves Bigot Chicken Sandwiches From Gay Hordes

Chick-fil-A now has more legal protections than gay families in Texas.

On Thursday, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott took a bold stand for religious liberty, at least if by "liberty" you mean the right of corporations to hate gay people without consequence. Abbott signed into law Senate Bill 1978, nicknamed the "Save Chick-fil-A" bill despite the lack of any danger to the restaurant chain, which believes Chicken Jesus died and was deep fried for your sins, and that's why gays are an abomination. The bill prohibits all government entities in Texas from taking "adverse actions" against any company or individual because of religious beliefs. It was a top priority for Republican culture warriors in Texas after the San Antonio City Council decided in March against letting Chicken Breast Savior open a location in the city's airport.

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Culture

Chill Out With Wonkette's Book Club And Le Guin's 'The Left Hand Of Darkness'

It's the 50th anniversary of a science fiction classic.

This weekend, fifty years ago, human beings landed on the Moon and left a plaque saying they'd "come in peace for all mankind." Also this weekend, the eastern United States is experiencing a heat wave of the sort that's likely to become more common in the unfolding climate disaster humanity has brought upon itself. And during the past week, the "president" of the USA explained that some Americans just plain don't belong here, and deserve to be expelled. Seems like as good a time as any to discuss Ursula K. Le Guin's visionary 1969 novel The Left Hand of Darkness, a story about climate and civilization on an inhospitable planet, gender politics, and for that matter, patriotism and exile.

Plus, the book is set on a planet in the midst of an ice age, so perhaps talking about it will help you stay cool.

For this week's Book Club, we'll be focusing on the first eleven chapters of Left Hand, so as a courtesy to folks who haven't read ahead, please try to avoid spoilers about the second half of the novel, mmkay? You're also more than welcome to join in even if you haven't read the book, or haven't read it recently, because if there's ever been a real-life book club meeting where everyone finished the book, we haven't seen it! And remember, there's still plenty of time to catch up for next week's discussion! You can buy the nifty 50th anniversary edition with a nice kickback to Yr Wonkette, or grab a used or library copy, or even dust off that cool old copy you read decades ago, like this Wonkette reader did:

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Culture

Joe Biden To Humiliate Rival Trump With Feats Of Old Man Strength

There's nothing wrong with that.

Joe Biden, for a change, is itching to fight. Last time, Old Smokin' Joe jumped out of his Trans-Am and tried to take old man Trump behind the gym to teach him a lesson or two about grabbing ladies by the pussy. We enjoyed the hell out of that shit.

"The press always ask me, 'Don't I wish I were debating him?' No, I wish we were in high school -- I could take him behind the gym. That's what I wish," Biden said then at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania for Hillary Clinton.

His face! HAHAHAHA!

Trump was so fucking upset by the idea of catching Joe's hands, he decided he needed to play respectability politics and signal to Joe that he wasn't being very "presidential." But he didn't actually say that shit at the time, nah, he waited almost two years to make a little punk ass comeback to a blunt call out from the Scranton Scrapper. Is it any wonder Uncle Joe drinks his Mickey's silently while aiming his Eagle Eye at Old Man Trump? Is it odd he does it while silently hoping Trump "gives him a reason"? No. It's not.

Let's take a look at that killer comeback from King Trump.

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News

Wonkette Stole This Samantha Bee Interview With Tammy Duckworth Before It Could Even Air!

RUDE.

You know how Rachel Maddow loves yr Wonkette? Well apparently Samantha Bee does too, or else a new comms employee does and will MAYBE get SHITCANNED for it! (Don't get shitcanned, do keep sending us exclusive Samantha Bee segments before they air!)

In tonight's television episode, which we bring you here now (or at least the relevant portion thereof), Sam interviews kickass Senator Tammy Duckworth of Illinois; it's framed as part of a show-within-a-show, because why just do "an interview" when you can also make fun of the conventions of dopey late-night interview shows, not that they're naming any particular targets. Sam's hunky husband, Jason Jones, could not possibly be mocking any sidekick figures from the history of talk shows, that's for sure, hey-oooooh.

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Featured

Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Black Lady James Bond Not The James Bond Ben Shapiro Likes To Fap To

If you wanted to be creeped out by Ben Shapiro this morning, you are so lucky!

Y'all hear there's gonna reportedly be a new 007 in town, and HER name is Lashana Lynch? That's right, not only is the new 007 going to be a lady, it is going to be a black lady. (She won't necessarily be specifically playing a character named "James Bond," according to the news. But she will definitely be 007.)

Ben Shapiro has feelings about that. Like, yeah, of course he does.

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

Oh fiddlesticks, that is not the full clip we wanted you to see. It's just a looped video of Shapiro saying one little part of his whole speech over and over again: "When it comes to the seduction of women!" If you don't feel like watching the full video below, you can rest assured that the loop above is sufficient, especially the way young Shapiro's voice cracks and his balls drop (allegedly) when he says the word "comes."

So anyway, SEXXX TIPS WITH BEN SHAPIRO! Because he knows of sex! Especially as it pertains to the beloved James Bond series! SPOILER, but it seems a lady 007 has rendered our Ben unable to think with his Little Ben, which is how he prefers to view the James Bond movie films.

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Culture

Bianca Devins Was A Beautiful Girl. A Man She Trusted Murdered Her. That's The Story.

Bianca Devins was 17.

Just a week ago, Bianca Devins, age 17, was a normal teenage girl living in Utica, New York. She had just graduated from high school, she worked as a model, she liked video games, and she was active on Instagram and Tumblr and the 4chan boards /soc/ and /fa/.

This weekend, she was brutally murdered by a man who had been stalking her. That man then posted pictures of her nearly decapitated body on Discord and 4chan and then tried, and failed, to kill himself. Those pictures have since been passed around and shared by disgusting people all over the internet — some because they trying to get attention for themselves, some because they wanted to revel in the murder of a teenage girl.

While initial reports claimed that Devins had met her murderer, Brandon Clark (AKA Brandon Kuwaliski), who went by "yesjuliet" on Instagram, on a Discord server chatting about video games, her family has since revealed that she and they knew him in real life and he was considered a "family friend."

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Nice Time

It's Turtles All The Way Down. And Kitties.

We have turtles, an upcoming Wonkette Book Club, and of course cat pictures.

Time for another break from the daily horrorshow, a chance to depressurize with some stuff that isn't awful. We all could use some mental R & R. We know there are important fights going on right now -- but if we can't also watch cat videos, it's not our revolution.

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Culture

Excuse Me, There Is A Time Traveler Running For President And I Need To Know More Please

Also this is your open thread!

If there is anything I pride myself on, it is knowing way too much about almost every kind of weird shit there is to know about. Thus, imagine my shock when, while in an internet hole earlier this week, I discovered the existence of a man named Andrew Basiago who claims to be a time traveler and who is also supposed to be running for president in 2020. As it turns out, I am totally late on this, he has been a thing for YEARS and he also ran for president in 2016. Someone should have told me. I should have known. I could have been obsessed with him for at least three years by now, and it's just not fair.

Apparently Basiago, because of all the time traveling he has done, knows for a fact that he will be President of the United States of America sometime between 2016 and 2028. He is not sure of the specific year for some reason, but he knows it will happen. Now that 2016 is off the table, he's now shooting for 2020.

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News

​ZEE TRUMP NAZI ISS VERY ANGRY AT ZEE SOCCER LADY!

Sebastian Gorka is not aware of all internet traditions.

Did we not tell y'all conservative men are losing their SHIT over Megan Rapinoe? Well, we have another entry for the "Most Pathetic White Man" contest, and it is Sebastian "If Goebbels Drove A 4-Cylinder Mustang" Gorka, who is double-parking his unsolicited opinions ALL OVER Rapinoe's very badass week, and we think he's the most ridiculous yet. Did you know that the women of the US national soccer team are trying to DESTROY ALL OF JUDEO-CHRISTIAN CIVILIZATION? (Remember that when people like Gorka say "Judeo-Christian," they are merely using the "Judeo" part to try to pretend their movement isn't simply a white Christian supremacist movement. There is nothing "Judeo" about them, and they tend to believe that most people who are actually "Judeo" are godless heathens. Just to clear that up!)

Because Wonkette is nothing if not mature, and because we love making fun of fake "Doctor" Gorka and the affected accent he wears, in order to sound more like his Hungarian Nazi pals, we're just going to steal the transcript from Media Matters and translate it into a purer version of Gorka-ese:

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Culture Wars

Meet The Commanders Of Mike Pompeo's God Hates Fags Commission On 'Human Rights'!

Yes, there is an Aunt Lydia too. In fact, she is the boss!

Since everything is hell now, and terrible, disgusting and/or heartbreaking news comes out of Washington about a thousand times a minute, you might not have heard about Secretary of State Jesus-Willikers McWestboroBaptist and his new international commission on human rights. Doesn't that sound nice? Human rights are a great thing! And Mike Pompeo's new commission is focused on "unalienable rights," and we certainly agree, we don't want any Sigourney Weaver aliens mucking around in our human rights!

Pompeo explained earlier this week, when he officially announced the Commission on Unalienable Rights:

The commission is composed of human rights experts, philosophers, and activists, Republicans, Democrats, and Independents of varied background and beliefs, who will provide me with advice on human rights grounded in our nation's founding principles and the principles of the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

That sounds just great, but this is Mike Pompeo, so you are probably wondering where the fundamentalist Christian Jesus Hitler poison is. Perhaps this line will give you a clue?

As human rights claims have proliferated, some claims have come into tension with one another, provoking questions and clashes about which rights are entitled to gain respect. Nation-states and international institutions remain confused about their respective responsibilities concerning human rights.

Human rights clashing with other human rights, whatever (gay) could he possibly (gay) mean? (He means God Hates Fags. And also women.)

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News

Meet Robert. Robert Wants To Be Governor Of Mississippi. OH NO, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE F*CKING ROBERT NOW!

Robert Foster can't be alone with lady reporters, because he might uncontrollably fuck them. That is what 'Christianity' means.

Stop us if you have heard this old yarn before!

There is a politician with weird Christian beliefs, and no, we don't mean he's weird because he's a Christian, we mean he's weird because he's got these fucked up stupidass beliefs, deserving of mockery and scorn, that say that women are, at heart, nothing more than sexual objects. Therefore he and his wife have a rule that says he's not allowed to be alone with any woman ever, even in work situations, because he might be forced to fuck her, by virtue of the fact that he is MAN. No seriously, this is what he believes! He says it's about preserving the so-called sanctity of his "Handmaid's Tale" marriage, and that he's only doing this because "people" will talk if they see him walking around the office by himself with a woman, or discussing a project at the water cooler, because everybody will look at them and immediately assume they are engaged in rollicking nightly bouts of #ForbiddenCoitus, and it will never even cross their minds that maybe they are coworkers. But you can tell that there is something much more gross at play, because WHAT THE FUCK ADULT WITH A MODICUM OF SELF-CONTROL NEEDS TO HAVE A "RULE" LIKE THIS? Upon hearing about the so-called couple's so-called rule, what people actually assume is that he has probably cheated on her with a lady, or possibly a gentleman, but shhhhh let's not talk about that.

No, we are not talking about Mike Pence (though of course, we are talking about Mike Pence).

Giphy

We are talking about Robert Foster, who would like to be the GOP governor of Mississippi. He's a state representative from the metropolis of "Hernando," which is a suburb of Memphis, which means yr Memphis Wonkette right here is going to be keeping our eye out for Mr. Foster walking around with hot dudes half his age, just so we can nod to ourselves and say, "He's respecting his wife right now." Or maybe we will point and loudly say to bystanders, "Those guys right there are a good example of two people who are NOT fuckin'!"

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polls

Glass Half Nice Time: Full 40% Of GOP Say Don't Torture The Little Children Who Come Unto Us

For I was a stranger and you yelled 'USA! USA! USA!' in my face.

Some new polling indicates that when it comes to immigrant kids in horrible conditions, most Republicans are fully in agreement with Fox News and Donald Trump: It's not a problem, because those kids don't belong here in the first place. The poll, by progressive outfits YouGov Blue and Data for Progress, found that while a majority of Americans in its sample think the government should be treating migrant children better, most Republicans take the opposite view -- in harsh terms you don't often see used in polling.

As partial inspiration for the survey, the pollsters point to a statement Brian Kilmeade made last June on "Fox and Friends," during the worst of the babies in cages family separation policy. It was a corker, and not at all atypical of Fox's immigration coverage then or since:

Taking children from their parents was absolutely fine, said Kilmeade, because Donald Trump had to teach the Central American parts of Mexico a lesson in civilization:

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Sportsball

Megan Rapinoe Spent 24 Hours Drinking Champagne And Punching Conservative Men In The Dick. YAY!

Her very existence makes them crazy. USA! USA! USA!

As an official bandwagon fan of Megan Rapinoe and the US women's national soccer team, we can affirmatively report that Rapinoe is having a pretty badass 24 hours. We can also report that she is driving conservative douche-rocket men CRAZY.

OH NO, DEAR CALEB, WHAT IS MEGAN RAPINOE DOING TO MAKE YOUR DICK FEEL SMALL TODAY?

Oh nothing, they just had a big-ass ticker-tape parade for the team through the Canyon of Heroes in New York, and Megan Rapinoe dared to BE SILLY LIKE A COMMON SILLY PERSON, saying "I deserve this! ALL OF IT!" while she drank Veuve that she did, in fact, deserve to be drinking in the morning, like the co-captain of the world's best soccer team who just won the fucking World Cup.

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Media/Entertainment

Mollie Hemingway Wants You To Know Christine Blasey Ford Was A Big Slutty Drunkerson

Terrible human being is terrible.

Mollie Hemingway appeared on Laura Ingraham's show yesterday and they had a "Horrible Human Being" contest. As usual on Ingraham's program, everyone was a winner! Hemingway, senior editor for The Federalist, is shilling her new book about Brett Kavanaugh's contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court. It's called "Justice on Trial" (no link) because conservatives like to depict the Federalist Society poster child as an innocent victim of a frenzied liberal mob, the conservative version of Tom Robinson.

The "villain" in their realty is Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Kavanaugh of attempted sexual assault. Her testimony was moving and credible. It was also completely ignored. Susan Collins gave a speech and everything. Why are conservatives such sore winners?

Last night, Hemingway revealed new "inside info" that blows the whole Kavanaugh case wide open. It doesn't matter that there is no Kavanaugh case anymore; he is a Supreme Court Justice, and Ford is still in hiding from right-wing nut jobs who want to kill her. Yeah, no one suffered more from all of this than Kavanaugh, who was at most mildly inconvenienced for a few weeks before receiving his dream job, for life.

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Post-Racial America

Black Birthers Bothering Kamala Harris With Basic Bullsh*t

BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE.



ADoS: American Descendants of Slavery is a group founded by Yvette Carnell and Antonio Moore, and and their agenda ranges from reasonable demands to extreme assholery. A few of the main points: affirmative action solely for ADOS, the Voting Rights Act fixed, SBA loans, infrastructure, an end to mass incarceration, and money for HBCUs. So far, so good. Then they want limits on HB-1 Visas (Um? Hmmm), which matters A LOT to them, also direct cash payments, and most of all, separate categories for Black ADOS, and Black Immigrants. Which leads to Harris, as all roads do.

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Education

Florida Principal Keeps Open Mind On Holocaust, Lets Brain Fall Out

Since when are educators supposed to be all worried about 'facts'?

A Florida high school principal is in hot water for repeatedly telling a parent last year that while his school offers plenty of lessons about the Holocaust, his professional obligation to be "politically neutral" meant he wasn't allowed to come right out and say the Holocaust was an actual historical event, because not everyone believes it was real. Certainly wouldn't want to take a side on basic reality if some people reject it, after all. The principal has since apologized, but the parent is still plenty pissed off for some reason. Seems a pretty silly discussion when all the evidence suggests we've been literally living inside a computer simulation since sometime in 2016.

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