Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don't
DearHotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon,
The Touch, the Sigh, the Moment when we wake at Night, in a cold sweat knowing it was just a dream and you are as far from us as you can be, because of how you will probably be going to prison. Our darling, how long must we be parted? Will it be forever? Nay, it will be only like 20 years max, and that million dollar fine -- as if it matters! We will live on our love! -- for allegedly taking $48 thousand in bribes from fake real estate developers and also something about a feminine hygiene product called "Hers"? But we could not tell if you were developing Hers or if the fake real estate developer was developing Hers, but either way, and whatever kind of feminine hygiene product it might have been, we know it would have made the world a better and more caring place, because you were involved with it even though it was fake maybe? Unclear. Then something about a nightclub.
We dream of being in a nightclub with you, dancing the watusi, our sweat commingling, the native sounds of Charlotte -- computer programming maybe? a chicken? -- filtering through the steamy night air. But then we wake again, and there is no nightclub, and no feminine hygiene product, only these dastardly G-Men, cuffing you, again, and again, in our nightmares we cannot escape it. We see them put you in the van, transport you to the hoosegow, and we weep at the injustice.
But we will wait for you, hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon. We will wait as long as there is breath in our body or we don't fall in love with your future cellie instead. He may have murdered those Girl Scouts, but doesn't everyone need someone to Love them? Haven't we all been damaged by Life, until we, too, murder some Girl Scouts?
Listen, let's not throw around a lot of "blame" about who is or is not murdering Girl Scouts. The fact remains that none of us is perfect, and if you want to allegedly take $48 large in gifts for your city, we are sure it was with only the best goals for that money. And if we want to cheat on you with your future cellie, then it will only be because the heart wants what it wants.
Right now, hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, we want you. We want to hold you in our arms and stroke your forehead and coo lovewords down your neck, until it is time to not want that anymore. We are sure you will understand.
Yours in Christ,
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.