Dear USA Today: You Are Good! You Are Also The Worst!

These are our mixed feelings toward USA Today.

So, there is big endorsement news, and it is that USA Today, that vanilla "newspaper" thing for people who like the experience of getting the paper, but not the experience of actually reading one, has for the first time in its very long 34-year history decided to "take sides" in the presidential race. The side it has chosen is NOT TRUMP, NO WAY. It's a very strong not-dorsement of the rabid, yapping, perverted Pomeranian who is the Republican nominee for president!

This year, the choice isn’t between two capable major party nominees who happen to have significant ideological differences. This year, one of the candidates — Republican nominee Donald Trump — is, by unanimous consensus of the Editorial Board, unfit for the presidency.

From the day he declared his candidacy 15 months ago through this week’s first presidential debate, Trump has demonstrated repeatedly that he lacks the temperament, knowledge, steadiness and honesty that America needs from its presidents.

Whether through indifference or ignorance, Trump has betrayed fundamental commitments made by all presidents since the end of World War II. These commitments include unwavering support for NATO allies, steadfast opposition to Russian aggression, and the absolute certainty that the United States will make good on its debts. He has expressed troubling admiration for authoritarian leaders and scant regard for constitutional protections.

The paper goes on to list out all the multitudes of reasons Donald J. Trump has no business anywhere near the White House. It is very good, like we said! Now, USA Today can't quite bring itself to actually endorse the one candidate who can beat Trump, Hillary Emails Clin-Ghazi. SOME on the editorial board say she'd be great and wonderful and just a real nice US American president. OTHERS say she has a "sense of entitlement," and also blah blah emails.

The bottom line, USA Today says, is to vote your conscience and convictions, as long as your conscience and convictions aren't dumb and nonexistent, to the point you want to vote for the puke-colored racist:

Our bottom-line advice for voters is this: Stay true to your convictions. That might mean a vote for Clinton, the most plausible alternative to keep Trump out of the White House. Or it might mean a third-party candidate. Or a write-in. Or a focus on down-ballot candidates who will serve the nation honestly, try to heal its divisions, and work to solve its problems.

Whatever you do, however, resist the siren song of a dangerous demagogue. By all means vote, just not for Donald Trump.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]OK sure, that is not as strong as the Arizona Republic, the Dallas Morning News and the Cincinnati Enquirer, none of which EVER endorse Democrats, growing dicks and endorsing Hillary Clinton. But meh, it is USA Today, it's not like we're expecting greatness or anything. (It's definitely better than the dumb-dumbs at the Chicago Tribuneendorsing known dipshit Gary Johnson for president.)

So, for publishing that editorial, Wonkette would like to pat USA Today right on its butt and say, "Good game, buddy, good game."

But wait, what is this?

WHAT THE FUCK? That is not how endorsements work! You don't issue your endorsement, and then invite the slow-witted running mate of the guy you just shat all over -- FOR GOOD REASON -- to write a counterpoint piece about how "Nuh uh, your paper's endorsement is wrong and you are not our real dad!" But that's exactly what USA Today did. Maybe the paper's editorial board, instead of coming down with a case of "principles," instead found itself afflicted with a case of the "We Are Giant Pussies," in reaction to how those Clinton-endorsing conservative papers are dealing with outrage, cancellations and even death threats from peace-loving Trump supporters.

Will Tim Kaine be given an opportunity, since USA Today didn't outright endorse Hillary, to write a counterpoint article called "Mike Pence, You Ignorant Slut"? BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER A LITTLE BIT. Hey, maybe our Google Machine is broken and they already did, but we can't find it. Maybe it's in editing right now! (Keep the headline "Mike Pence, You Ignorant Slut" if so, because Wonkette is the best at headlines.) Maybe they asked Tim Kaine to write that, but the dog ate his homework. We don't know!

But for now, on top of the nice butt-patting we gave USA Today above, we must also give the paper a really hard butt-SPANKING, and not in a sexxxy way, for being LITERALLY THE FUCKING WORST OMG.

[USA Today]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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