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Deborah Jeane Palfrey Explains It All For You

As a service to Wonkette readers, we boil down the press release from DC Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey (on which she misspells her own name) to what's really necessary.




Palfrey SaysWe say
First, allow me to say how genuinely

sorry I am for Mr. Tobias, his family and his friends. I unfortunately know first-hand the

impact such a revelation can have upon one's life.

Who could have imagined when all this began that there would be no happy ending? Had we anticipated this, clearly he would have been offered a discount.
I endeavored diligently for five months...to maintain the confidentiality of the client records...It was only when the Government's AUSA's - Catherine Connelly, Daniel Butler and William Cowden - refused every reasonable offer [that I made] the determination to utilize the records for my defense.We were close to reaching an arrangement with Butler--he seemed pretty into the idea of an "Oklahoma three-way" complete with edible jodhpurs--but ultimately, he totally flaked.
Initially, thought was given to raising the requisite funds needed to mount an expensive

criminal defense by selling the records.

I quickly realized: "Oh, that's right! I make all my money illegally!"
It should be noted, the assessment here not to sell the forty-six pounds of

telephone invoices was made irrespective of the Court's order prohibiting me from doing

so...

Forty-six pounds of phone invoices? Why did you weigh it? To make sure it would fit in the National Archives?
Nonetheless, the decision ultimately was made to hand over the records to a

responsible media outlet, in this case ABC News, in New York.

ABC News: If we can handle Mark Halperin, what's another whoremaster?
My hope defense witnesses could be found by combing through the information indeed is

being realized.

"Being realized?" This is music to our ears!
I am dismayed however, by Mr. Tobias's

refusal to come forward until now with this extremely valuable exculpatory evidence.

Seriously! What a dick! I totally had him all wrong.
As for those however, who disobeyed my directives...and participated in illegal behavior, be they client or subcontractor, I would expect the

Government...to charge each and every individual with the crimes of money laundering, racketeering

and/or conspiracy, as well. After all, racketeering and conspiracy offenses in particular

require two or more parties.

My special themed "racketeering and conspiracy parties" require six or more participants, and you must provide your own clamps.
Allow me to leave you with this thought, if I may. Surely, most people have established

by now that mine is a very bizarre case.

Man, Deborah...you have not been in DC long!
I would ask the press and media to put aside the titillation of

the "Who's Who" list - at least in part - and instead investigate the disturbing genesis,

the confounding evolution and the equally alarming continuation of this matter.

Oh, now...that's just fucking adorable!
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