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Hey, remember when "guy in a hardhat" was an archetype of rightwing dumbassery? Now that America doesn't make anything anymore (and we don't win anymore, as Donald Trump points out), our stereotypical Dear ShitFerBrains guy should probably be a neckbearded electrical engineer with a copy of Atlas Shrugged, but no matter. Demographics may change, but Stupid will always be with us, as we were reminded when the Bristol Palin Defense League showed up to squawk that we were being monstrous toward the poor dear, merely because she has the courage to stand for tradition, history, and Mt. McKinley. One "Amishron" -- that's a joke name, since the Amish don't internet!! -- even made an amusing pune, or play on words -- see if you can spot it!

The Wonkettes get dumber by the minute. I couldn't really give a rats ass about changing Mt. McKinley to Denali all because some half a gas cans called it several hundreds of years ago. It will always be Mt. McKinley & nothing else.

Did you get it? Did you get it? "Half a gas cans" sounds like "Athabascans," and they are all out of gas so fuck them, we guess. We almost thought this post might be a Poe, but then we checked Amishron's comment history, and no, this person is completely serious.

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Someone with a userID that appeared to pop out of a random number generator chimed in,

Hey...Goodie...another hit piece from the hateful Wonkettes...you must all feel very good...after all it's been going on for 7+ years...At least, unlike you guys...she doesn't kill her babies...

Thank you....Mr. .... Shatner! Our...babies...are... ALIVE!!!!!!

And "Jill Sheeter-Topp" wanted to know why we would even bother writing about Bristol Palin, and why the President would bother changing a mountain's name, when there are far more important issues to worry about right now:

Amazing that once again people are getting their panties in bunch. OVER A NAME!!! How about none support of our allies? How about giving our sworn enemy a nuke...when nuclear power is TOO unstable and we agree wtf???

We certainly DO agree: WTF? Ms. Sheeter-Topp appears to think that we actually gave Iran a nuclear weapon, which we didn't, and that it was a unilateral negotiation, when in fact the treaty was negotiated not just between Iran and the USA but also -- hey! Our allies: Britain, France, Germany, and the EU! Also, since that is the most important thing in the world, why is Jill Sheeter-Topp wasting her precious time complaining to a mommyblog/recipe hub/secret clopfic repository? She should be out there supporting our allies!

But our favorite McKinley comment was this genius reply from "Bill Smith," an actual genuine gold bug, who sees far darker motives at work than merely renaming a mountain with the name native people originally gave it:

On March 14, 1900, the Gold Standard Act was signed into law by McKinley. The act fixed the value of the dollar at 25 8/10 grains of gold. The reminders of all who fought for sound money are being attacked.

Bill Smith also included a link to a wackaloon gold-is-the-only-real-money site explaining that the renaming of Mt. McKinley is part of a nefarious plot to hide the true history of the only perfect currency. But we did like their mockup of an Eleanor Roosevelt (boo! hiss!) $20 dollar bill.

We received about fifty bejillion comments from someone calling himself "matthunterrlf" in reply to a couple of different articles about America's New Martyr, Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who won't let anyone get married because if she does, she'll go to hell. Also, in her jail cell, she can't step on the floor because it's lava.

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Matthunterrlf insisted from the start that that he was "no Christian," but then kept trying to invoke Absolute Values, mock "moral relativism," and to prove, using Science, that gays shouldn't be allowed to get married because they can't make babies together. A few selected Smart Thoughts:

  • the human heart has an objective purpose..

    the human eyes have an objective purpose

    the human lung has an objective purpose

    the human kidney has an objective purpose

    the human sex organs have an objective purpose...

  • imagine that, 400 years ago the humanity abandoned heterosexuality in favor of homosexuality...where would the human organism be today?...g..e..n..o..c...i...d..e
  • imagine 100 homosexuals inhabiting a deserted island in an attempt to start their own society..eventually they would have to start practicing heterosexuality..
  • because the ultimate goal of the human organism is expansion..in the supreme objective eyes of Nature, homosexuality is immoral..

And then, after all that argument that the biological necessity of heterosexual reproduction is a matter of morality -- and that to fail to reproduce is a sin against Nature -- Matt was suddenly aghast that anyone would look to the natural world for a definition of morality:

"but..but..but we also find homosexuality in the animal kingdom"...

...we also find the killing of a sexual mate after copulation in the animal kingdom..

...we also find the killing of ones own offspring in the animal kingdom...

...we also find the abandonment of the elderly in the animal kingdom...

should humanity look to the animal kingdom as a gauge of a certain behaviors moral worth...?

Gotcha! Among other fixations, Matt liked to accuse liberals of having been "lobotomized" by The Daily Show, because people were responding to him with sarcasm, which he said is "the tool of the intellectually insecure." Not that he was immune to making funny jokes himself, like when he replied to another commenter with this zinger:

your just upset because Josh Duggars fingers have been in more pusssy than your dick....BAM...see I can play the vitriolic sarcasm game as well!

"Matt" was so fond of this one that he used it again when he returned under a new account name, "Roger Collins," where he used the same line, right down to the three-s spellling of "pusssy." As "Roger," he also announced that "pedantry is the tool of the intellectually insecure." Since both versions of him got banhammered, we won't get the chance to find out what copy-pasting one's own dumb insults is the tool of.

As Matt/Roger went along, he got a bit more comfortable with overt racism, explaining, as "Matt," that Martin Luther King was a lowlife adulterer, that there were no black equivalents to the intellects of Isaac Newton and J.S. Bach, and that "if there were no such thing as white Europeans this entire planet would be overrun with slavery..the Sioux would have the entire North American continent enslaved." He also explained that without the "altruism of White Christians," The Blacks would still be enslaved today. As "Roger," he pointed out that there's really no longer a need for organized white hate groups, even:

young black males have put the KKK out of business

3 dead, 37 wounded in weekend shootings

Police 6 killed, 35 wounded in Chicago weekend shootings

7 killed, 28 wounded in Chicago weekend shootings

Two Dead, 41 Wounded in Weekend Chicago Shootings

9 Dead, 53 Wounded in Fourth of July Weekend Violence in Chicago

He also kept harping on liberals' hypocrisy, with these brilliant examples -- if there are any rhetoric teachers in the room, see if your students can identify what's wrong with his logic:

  • "there is no absolute truth...but evolution is absolutely true"..."there is no absolute truth, but climate change is absolutely true"
  • In leftist discourse, truth is rejected explicitly and consistency

    can be a rare phenomenon. Consider the following pairs of claims.

    ƒ

    On the one hand, all truth is relative; on the other hand, liberalism tells it like it really is.

    ƒ

    On the one hand, all cultures are equally deserving of respect; on the other, Western culture is uniquely

    destructive and wicked.

    ƒ

    Values are subjective—but sexism and racism are absolutely evil.

    ƒ

    Technology is bad and destructive -- and it is unfair that some people have more technology than others.

    ƒ

    Tolerance is good and dominance is bad -- but when liberals come to power, political correctness follows.

    There is a common pattern here: Subjectivity and relativism in one breath, dogmatic absolutism in the next.

  • "Leftist [sic] say that the West is deeply racist, but they know very well that the West ended slavery for the first time ever, and that it is only in places where Western ideas have made inroads that racist ideas are on the defensive."
  • "Leftists say that the West is deeply sexist, but they know very well that Western women were the first to get the vote, contractual rights, and the opportunities that most women in the world are still without. "
  • "Leftists say that Western capitalist countries are cruel to their poorer members, subjugating them and getting rich off them, but they know very well that the poor in the West are far richer than the poor anywhere else, both in terms of material assets and the opportunities to improve their condition."

We would like to thank Matt/Roger for those quotation marks, which got us curious enough to wonder what he was quoting -- a quick search discovered that he's just taken a bunch of quotes from one chapter of Stephen Hicks's book Explaining Postmodernism, with "postmodernists" replaced by "liberals" and "leftists" -- possibly with a crayon. No idea whether Matt/Roger was copying directly from Hicks or from a third-generation version that showed up on some libertarian message board, but it was kind of fun to see our visitor going on and on about how liberals can't think for themselves while literally plagiarizing his ass off (he left bits of his ass all over the screen. It was gruesome).

We do want to be absolutely clear, however, that Matt/Roger's hilarious Josh Duggar joke appears to be his alone -- Professor Hicks, however popular he may be with online wingnuts, is at least blameless on that count. But maybe he should be worried that his book sounds an awful lot like the writing of an online troll.

By golly, it's enough to make you wonder if plagiarism isn't the tool of the intellectually insecure.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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