Beast Jebus is BEST Jebus!


Time for another trip to muck out the offerings from our deleted/ banhammered commenters. Deleted comments are like a box of chocolates from the dollar store's clearance bin several days after a major holiday: You don't know what you'll get, but you know it's likely to leave you feeling slightly ill.

Our post on Michele Bachmann being named to Donald Trump's "Evangelical Advisory Board" must have gotten on the radar of some easily upset Christianists, who flocked en masse to let us know they were unhappy. Or maybe en Bible Study, since Mass is for those filthy Papists.

While it was a straggler, coming in a couple days after the main wave, we wanted to feature this terrific bowl of word salad from "Take Our Media Back":

The self-hate-projecting addled left is understandably fomented by cartoon photos, racist misogynist boogeymen behind every r, and other adolescentesque fixations.

Without the media-deluded moron vote, Mrs Slick Willy would have topped out as just another $$$M wall street/washington cesspool hoe.

TrumpASAP.com

That first sentence is never going to make it onto a coffee cup, but it's a pretty impressive pseudointellectualesque fomentation of derpalogical verbiagetastic DubbyaTeeEffery. And then we looked at the TrumpASAP.com website, which fairly screamed "Screenshot me NOW, you magnificent stallion!"

Now THAT's a cartoon photo! Are you not blinded by its majesty? It's anybody's guess why they insisted on linking to a site that seems to think Donald Trump still needs a few more delegates to wrap up the GOP nomination, but it sure looks nice. Pity it doesn't have more flashing text and maybe a MIDI file of the Stones' "Start Me Up."

That Bachmann post also brought several other important comments from the Very Outraged, like these samples from "Bill Via." He wants us to know that God Is Not Dead, although the Muslims are trying to cut His head off:

You liberals are freaking amazing you really are. Let's turn this around 180 degrees and pretend he is attempting to install muslim brotherhood zealots on his advisory staff so they can whisper in his ear how best to slaughter Americans without Americans getting furious. You freaks would be all about that wouldn't you....he would be one cool dude.....keen on the times. Here's where Trump hits the mark that you idiots cannot fathom........A Gallup Organization survey for CNN and USA Today last December found nearly nine in 10 Americans (86 percent) said they believed in God, while another 8 percent said they believe in some form of "Universal spirit or higher power."

So who is currently investigating how to appeal to that side of the American people? Hillary with her muslim advisor constantly whispering in her ear? Not hardly. Once again it is Trump and only Trump who is reaching more and more people and it appears that a large segment of America, the evangelical Christians who have stood silently and turned the other cheek for almost 8 years, now have a couple of people who will be counseling Trump on their fears and concerns and what moves to make to tie up the vast support of minister's organizations (yes even the black ministers associations have huge clout). Ministers feeling this new support will energetically stand before their congregations and influence more and more grass roots folks to stand with Trump. Christians, republican, independent, and yes democrat will feel their fears are being listened to by this new alliance. And these are the people who do not speak out.....do not ruffle feathers. They will just quietly get to the polls in droves and all you will wonder WTF?? A brilliant freaking move on Trump's part. Eat your hearts out.

We like that use of polling: 86% of Americans believe in God, or perhaps a Cosmic Muffin, and are therefore loony Trumpitarians? Sure, that makes sense. "Bill Via" (Via what? Via Dolorosa? Via air mail?) had other thoughts as well:

Why don't you do some research and look at Obama's cabinet.....count the muslims in his cabinet. I suppose there absolutely were no Protestant candidates available for those positions were there? Why? Why all the muslims in this administration? Foxes guarding the hen house and you don't see it. that is rich.

So we did some research and didn't find a single Muslim in Barack Obama's cabinet. Huh! Not even the loonies who claim the Obama administration is chock full o' Muslims have actually claimed any cabinet members are Muslims, although they did find some lower-level officials who are Muslims, especially in positions dealing with Middle East policy, OMG. And no, Valerie Jarrett isn't a Muslim, either.

A nice person with the VERY Christian username "The Hitman" was also disgusted with us:

CLEARLY this writer has a major problem with Christians. "Bible-Thumpers"?? Wow... the ignorance! Just a couple on his list are famous pastors and their JOB is to preach. They don't come knocking on your door do they? Jehovah Witness doesn't count because they're not Christians. End of time will come sooner or later so you might as well accept the truth because there's a plethora of evidence that supports that Jesus is real so you might as well get to know him before its too late my friend!

And if you don't get right with Jesus, The Hitman will shoot you and take your cannoli. When someone challenged Bill Vida Loca's assertion that evangelicals have "stood silently and turned the other cheek for almost 8 years," pointing out that they have been rather noisy, The Hitman let us know exactly how persecuted evangelicals have been. Just look at all the oppression of Christians in this list:

Indeed we have turned the other cheek for almost 8 years. Lets take a look at just some of the things shall we?

$19 Trillion in debt, going on $21 Trillion.

Sky high unemployment rate. Obama claims he has created jobs. Explain to me how has he created jobs when almost 5 million jobs have gone to China alone in the past 7 years and so many businesses have moving offshore.

The middle east disaster.

Death of a US Ambassador and 3 govt employees in foreign soil who asked for help literally over a 100 times and NOTHING-WAS-DONE!

Obamacare, which Obama himself admits that he has NOT read fully yet wants to implement it.

Manufacturers are shutting down plants and moving overseas and Obama has done NOTHING to bring them back to may perhaps help boost OUR economy?? But no that sounds like a horrible horrible idea...

Bringing over Syrian refugees. Why not bring Christians who are getting their heads chopped off my Muslims in the middle east??

Obama has proven to be THE WORST President in the history of this country and the fact that he has not been impeached even after all of this, that's 'turning the other cheek' enough for me!

So there! Look at all the oppression of evangelicals there. And shame on Barack Obama for bringing disaster to the previously peaceful middle east. But aren't we supposed to be excited about that, seeing as how it will bring about the End Times?

The pronunciation-thwarting "pndintr" had this brief thought:

Doktor Zoom -- LOL. Thinks freedom of religion only applies to muslims!

Pndintr -- LOL. Thinks making fun of Michele Bachmann and Donald Trump is an attempt to subvert religious freedom!

In a similar vein, "Valyrie Wagner" was very disappointed in us. But at least she spelled our name right when she copypasted it from our profile!

Wow this writer really hates Christians. I wonder what you do in your off time Marty Kelley. Dress up in black with a veil and go see your Muslim buddies? Your hate towards Christianity is almost as bad as Obamas.

Haw haw, I am both a sekrit Muslim-lover AND I put on Muslim women's clothing! Truly a devastating takedown. Now let's all sing the Islamic Lumberjack Song.

"MarvLS1," whose username is at least a rather amusing pune, or play on words, referring to the Corvette engine used in the Chevy Impala SS, had a really funny joke:

Meanwhile, Hillary appoints Omar Ali Baba to her Jihad-relations committee...

It's so hilarious how those Muslins all gots funny names! We can hardly keep ourselves from giggling when we put on a Burqa and visit them to plot the overthrow of America. But being a bearded guy in drag isn't nearly as funny without our hairy legs showing.

On other posts this week, we heard from "Granny Filec," who wanted to clear up a few misconceptions about the goings-on in Twin Falls, Idaho, where an already sad story got blown up into a tale of terrifying Syrian Immigrants raping girls at knifepoint. We didn't see what Granny was replying to, but apparently someone made some kind of comment about how immigrants have ruined North America since that Columbus guy and it might be better to return the continent to its original inhabitants. Quoth Granny:

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THE INDIANS WOULD WANT IT ANYMORE AFTER THE MIGRANTS HAVE LITERALLY TURNED IT INTO A CESSPOOL.

Yr Wonkette must protest: Twin Falls is actually rather nice, if you overlook the tiny minority of whiny militia types. Other "thoughts" from Granny:

  • ALL MUSLIMS ARE TERRORISTS. THEY LIE JUST LIKE BOZO.
  • LISTEN LIBTURD BASTARD AH........YOU BRAINLESS NITWITS ARE THE RAPIST OF THE USA
  • (Her reply to "So, with 1.6 billion terrorists, why haven't they won? Logic ain't your strong suit."): WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY HAVEN'T. THEY ARE THE KILLING MACHINES OF THE USA. Sei cosi' stupido
  • (Her reply to someone suggesting her capslock makes her look like A Idiot): ANOTHER LIBTURD SHEEPLE. WHY DON'T YOU GOOGLE THE CAPS, AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU SHEEP CAN'T HANDLE IT.
  • We took her at her word and Googled "the caps," and while we now know a whole lot about DC's hockey team, we still don't know what effect they're supposed to have on libturd sheep. Honestly, if there's a rightwing trope claiming that capslock somehow destroys libturd sheeple -- apart from maybe making us get a headache from rolling our eyes -- we honestly have no idea what she's getting at. So sad.

    HA-HA! THE DUMB HAS BEEN DOUBLED!

    "Ginger" shared a very funny joke on our post about Donald Trump's LYING CROOKED HILLARY BENGHAZI!!!!! ad. Hope you are ready for some big laffs!

    A reporter told Trump that Secretary Clinton wanted Trump to release his tax returns. Trump said "Well John didn't she get them"? Reporter John said "No sir, she wants you to release your tax returns". Trump says "Well John I don't understand that. I emailed them to her". LOL!!

    This is a funny joke because it explains why we'll never see Trump's taxes: he emailed them to Hillary and she deleted them! That is amusing! Also, when we tell jokes, we like to give the characters realistic names like "Reporter John." LOL!!!

    Finally, our story on Texas's impending "Texit" from the oppression of the federal government wasn't appreciated one bit by "Commander Balok," who named himself after the seemingly scary but ultimately friendly alien dude played by an effects dummy and an itty-bitty Clint Howard in the Star Trek episode "The Corbomite Manuever." Commander Balok informed us that our starship was going to get blowed up for our transgressions:

    Fuck you! and Your cock smoking liberal mother fuckers! Your heads are coming off!

    Oh, my. No more tranya for you, little mister! Also, we are forever mystified by rightwing Star Trek fans. Haven't they noticed the Federation is a post-scarcity socialist economy with mandatory diversity, no tolerance for racism, and attitudes toward religion that range from casual indifference to outright dismissal of faith as a silly old myth? (OK, fine, there was the ending of "Bread and Circuses" with that "Son of God" bit, we'll grant that.) Oh dear, there we go again, calling for the oppression of Christians.

    Doktor Zoom

    Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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