I am SO SICK of playing second fiddle to these socialist marshmallow horses...


Our Deleted Comments cup fairly runneth over with Derp this week, largely thanks to the efforts of one particularly verbose moron who figured out that once his account was banhammered, he could create a new one. SO CLEVER. All the action, if you can call it that, took place in our story on Ben Carson's plan to keep on winning last in all the primaries, although out of the over 4,000 words our teen genius managed to spew under three different identities,he managed to mentioned Carson exactly twice. Fear not, dear Wonkers -- we won't inflict his entire output on you, because we'd like you to return someday. Instead, a few excepts from his oeuvre, first under the name "Easton Williams," which he later switched to "Z Capitalist." His first fit came in response to a comment about Ben Carson's potential challenges in South Carolina, what with not being as pale as the other guys on the debate stage:

Another libtarted website full of sensless bashing of the party of real Americans, the Republican party, meanwhile there's a Criminal and Communist running in the Democratic party...

What are you talking about? You do realize that there's barely any Racism today, well, except on the Democratic party's side...

And you'll vote for a Criminal or Communist, congratulations! You have problems, and Hillary killed Americans and let loose top secret documents by having them in a server in someone's bathroom....

[contextly_sidebar id="pigKli1KVj9Ge9c5OeXAdmSQJhuGoWUF"]Yes, kids, you may want to get out your Rightwing Noise Machine Talking Points Bingo cards here. We should note at the outset that, for the sake of saving time and space, we have occasionally blockquoted a string of comments as if they were a single post; given the projectile-vomit character of his effusions, the order hardly matters.

Easton/Z also had some thoughts about the utility of the Second Amendment, which gives the citizenry the absolute right to threaten elected officials with death if they need to:

That's WHAT ITS FOR IDIOT! to protect the people from a big government, if we didn't have it you libtards would've already turned us into Communist Russia... You really think it's not to protect the people from big government? The same people that created the 2nd Amendment that went to war with Great Britain and beat them? Your another delusional Demoshit.

You would LOVE a one world order type government that takes everyone's guns, gets rid of any threats, then takes complete control over the people.

You know there was a war, WW2, in which Nazi Germany took peoples weapons, told them it'd all be be A OKAY! And then what the hell happened idiot, yeah, you know the rest.

We destroyed the freaking biggest Military and most feared on the planet with militias, and you think those same people that ousted Great Britain wanted or dreamed of a big government like you want? And clearly stated their HATRED for big government all through every document and book our founding fathers wrote, and you think that the 2nd Amendment isn't for what it clearly says its for....just WOW, WOW.....

And you'd be surprised at how far some Assault rifles and guerrilla warfare tactics would go against a big Military, the Military BTW which is made up mostly Republicans, took an oath to defend America against ALL THREATS FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC, Key word idiot, DOMESTIC, meaning possible politicians gone rogue and big government.

Remember how we beat Great Britain with only militias and private arms? And a tiny bit of help from the French Navy and Army, a little, too. And then we won WW2 with our privately-owned Flying Fortresses and suchlike. Also, the only thing that kept America from becoming a Soviet Socialist Republic under Jimmy Carter was fear of the armed citizenry.

After advising us that he's 18, and lots of his friends are smart just like he is "because we can think on our own unlike you libtards," EastonCapitalist, who knows that only Demoshits are racist, went on to call Barack Obama "the baboon" who after seven years of disaster "has racial tensions at the highest they've been in decades, and he's half black, just WOW."

When some libtart pointed out that he'd sound a whole lot smarter if he could remember the difference between your and you're, he dismissed that as a "common typo when typing quickly" (and therefore irrelevant), urged us all to "Educate yourself on what the government doesn't spoon feed you you dumb SCROTUM. Yeahhhhh!!!" and explained that we would never dare talk to him in public the way we do on this libtarted blog:

Dude, I could whoop your ass in a fight, I'm a 6'5" wall. No one cares about you libtards except Bernie the Communist POS.

First of all, your a MAJOR IDIOT, secondly, your disqusting, thirdly I haven't even listened to Rush Limbaugh in my life, so yeah, your a buffoon.

AHHH,AHHHH,AHHHH,HUUHHHHH, FART....You're so stupid, so I'm a troll, because I post a comment or reply that you don't agree with or just like....yup, sounds about right coming from you libtards...

Curiously, we have very little doubt that he would speak to us exactly the same in person as in writing. Call it our Libtard Sense tingling -- we're even pretty sure we'd be able to hear the missing apostrophes.

He also explained that, based on voter turnout rates in Iowa and New Hampshire, Republicans have "already won 2016," and completely run America because of all the state legislatures they control. His only disappointment is the House of Representatives, where

those ball less moderates havnt impeached Obummer yet, sad whooses, time to elect a conservative!!! Yeah! Give the power back to the people! Take a f*%&ing meat cleaver to the big A$$ government you love that crams what they want down our throats!

Yep, he got the throat-cramming in there, too. It's almost enough to make you wonder if he's an AI programmed to sound like a rightwing idiot. Next up, his thoughts on the topic of race, which may require a separate bingo card all its own:

The Democratic party is the party of racism, always have been, and its ever so clear today, y'all supported the Jim Crow laws and passed them, y'all established the KKK, a movement within the Democratic party that obviously hated and killed Blacks, and Margaret Sanger founded Planned Parenthood to kill off babies, especially black ones, strategically placing PP clinics in Ghettos to "Eliminate the black race" according to her, she wrote books and guidelines on how, where, and why to kill black babies, you should look it up, I'm actually trying g to be helpful, but of course you won't, because "I made it up", is what you'd say because liberals like yourself try their best to erase history.

And FDR put Japanese Americans in camps in the desert, meanwhile you all jump down Trumps throat whenever he says," we need to quit letting Muslims into the country for a while ".

You have no facts, I am right, you are wrong, and that's the end of the conversation.

Also, he made a funny joke: "And just for giggles, I gave birth to a Democrat this morning, I flushed it immediately! Hahaha"

Somewhere in there, he also resorted to argument by dictionary to prove that Democrats are all socialists, and therefore communists, and therefore Nazis, because guess what "Nazi" is short for? It truly was an impressive brain dump; almost as if he were taking an end of term exam on rightwing tropes. And then he got whomped with the Banhammer of Loving Correction (© and ™ John Scalzi), which didn't slow him down a bit, because he is super smart. Returning as "BoyWonder7," he explained that comment moderation is also a form of socialism, because blog moderators making decisions about the content of privately-owned forums is obviously how Hitler got started. But at least he mentioned the nominal topic of the article, Ben Carson, so good for him:

Also, good job using Socialism to your advantage, just block someone because they have a different opinion than you and are right. "Ah, say hello to my little banhammer", don't you feel like you've got tha powa! What are you gonna do with all dat powa!?!

Also, what the hell is the Wonkette? This is a joke right? I mean, damn.... Never heard of it, but I'll spread the word that its a crap news outlet, a dying, actually dead one infested full of liberal low life's that have 0 facts [...]

Hell, even people, liberals, not people, excuse me for that, liberals aren't Human y'all have no soul, go on these news channels, white people, and say, "I believe that we should be punished, for what we did 150+ years ago", freaking idiots.... Yeah, because we are directly responsible for what happened more than a century ago.

You all try y'alls best to keep the black man poor and relying upon the government, hence you're hatred for Ben Carson, you just squirm when you see a successful black man that pulled himself up with God and Capitalism, damn are you messed up in the head.

You all tell the black community that they can get free stuff if they vote for you, after brainwashing them from the inside that Republicans are somehow the problem, just like that psyco Margaret Sanger, wrote books about why the world needs to kill babies and especially black ones, the founder of Planned Parenthood, and you all think y'all can just sweep it under the rug," IT NEVER HAPPENED, MOVE ALONG!",yeah, all lies right?

[contextly_sidebar id="UCjOeukdZpkzd8ZcexnWJqRIIu7MEvs3"]Needless to say, having repeated all the lies about Sanger and Planned Parenthood, eventually he had to bring up abortion, because of course he did. After he called Democrats the party of "genocide," some wag asked him if Democrats caused the Armenian genocide, the Ukranian famine, the Holocaust, or perhaps the Srebrenica massacre. He didn't like that:

IT'S CALLED ABORTION SICKO Please quit wasting oxygen, I hope you burn in hell for eternity for supporting that.

YOU'RE A DUMBASS POS, PLEASE PUT YOURSELF DOWN, HOW ABOUT YOU DO TO YOURSELF WHAT YOU DREAM OF AND SUPPORT DOING TO INNOCENT BABIES YOU F#CKING CRIMINAL POS SICKO

You freaking sick bastard, "I'm pro choice! Weeee, women's health and choice!!!weeeeee!!!!"

So its Choice to commit Murder? So if someone took your ass out in the Street when you were 1, and said,"if you don't tell me if you want to live or not, I'll suck your brain out your head with a vacuum cleaner and sell your body parts, so I can buy a Lamborghini " yeah, good bye. You'd be dead, aka, not exist.

I hope you get some mental help ASAP

Did we mention he drives a Yaris and, through wise choices in the market, made a 30% return on his investments? At the very least, we definitely believe he was really 18, or perhaps younger, because when someone called him a regular "Alex P. Keaton," he could only reply, "What are you talking about?" So sad. Doesn't anyone watch TV Land anymore?

[contextly_sidebar id="S8GZsRY7quXHXKIIVIAibaqVAhxrUa8b"]Because we love our Wonketteers more than to leave you with the mindless ravings of a young maroon (who may someday grow up and realize that when he was a child he prated like unto a fool), we'll share a true rarity with you: Some angry comments from a truly committed Carly Fiorina supporter, in reply to a piece about how she was only losing because Republicans fear her power ...which ran the day before she quit the presidential race. True Believer "Earl Frankfort" put a lot of effort into his manifesto, complete with headings and everything, so we feel obliged to share it in full, that you may giggle as hard as we did at his proof that Carly was stabbed in the back!!!!

POISONED PAWN

Carly’s exclusion from the debate is ABC’s “poisoned pawn” which the RNC seems to have unknowingly “captured” that can result in a devastating “positional disadvantage” in this presidential election.

ABC’s two-pronged blitz: Not only will it wipe out a Hillary nemesis, more than that, it will trumpet Republican’s war on women which is being trumpeted by its front runner:

Trump on Carly Fiorina: “Look at that face”

Trump on Megyn Kelly: ”Bimbo”

Trump on Bette Midler: “Extremely unattractive”

Trump on Arianna Huffington: “Unattractive both inside and out”

Trump on Rosie O’Donnel: “Fat pig”

RIGHT TO BE HEARD

This is not about 1.06 million babies killed in a year by skull-crushing forceps inside the wombs of mothers.

This is not about HP where Carly’s vision was hit on as disruption for being a female leader in a male-dominated culture.

This is about a right to be heard.

The First Amendment is being used in defending colossal campaign money that has corrupted American politics on the ground that to prohibit such massive spending will constitute infringement of free speech.

The same First Amendment that prohibits the making of any law abridging the freedom of speech has become inutile in defending Fiorina to be included in the debate.

TRUE GRIT

Abortion: The ultimate “hot button” – the defining issue of our age.

Carly Fiorina: You may love her or hate her. Whatever.

For her to stand her ground on such issue while others turn tail, that speaks volumes for one thing – True Grit – a rare quality a leader must have in today’s troubled world.

That was pretty inspiring, wasn't it? Especially the slam against Big Money in campaigning, which suggests ol' Earl isn't aware that Citizens United was the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful Supreme Court decision ever handed down. Earl's other comments were mostly variations on the same theme, except when someone asked him where the Constitution guarantees a "right to be heard" and he quoted -- we are not making this up -- a few lines from that excellent commentary on the U.S. Constitution, the 2010 movie The King's Speech. To which the smartass Wonketteer, "Legion of Do," replied, "Those are my favorite passages from the United States Constitution. Thank you for clarifying."

[contextly_sidebar id="qSDT7ABvOwLrp54zT1VjUaAUaKwx5wI8"]And finally, we heard back from the incessant bot-assisted moron who keeps returning under spoofed IP addresses with usernames like "LibsRDumb," "Patriots4America," "LibsDeserveGenocide" and the like. This time, he was "PatriotsWillSaveAmerica," and graced our piece on the end of the Oregon standoff with another round of posts about turgid love muscles, bleeding sphincters, hairy a**es, and so on. Mostly this twerp -- who leaves identical droppings all over the web, not merely at Wonkette -- is merely tedious, but before he got the banhammer this time, he had a new variation on the theme, for which we thank him:

I was researching what gay men do to other gay men at night and let me tell you that the information I found is nothing but disgusting. They do stuff to each other's stinky areas that is unmentionable. May God save their souls

We predict "stinky areas" will surely become as much a part of Standard Wonkettese as "opitomy of a dumb ass," "also, too," and "worthly wokette skum." Bravo, sir. We look forward to ignoring you again soon. This whole commenter can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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