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Dok's Magical Vacation


Hola, Wonkers! It is I, your ever so humble Shypixel here, guest hosting for our beloved but also be-vacationed Doktor Zoom! "What's this?" I hear you asking, "Turgid Love Muscle was back? Did I miss Turgid Love Muscle? Who the hell is Turgid Love Muscle?" We'll get to TLM in just a moment, but short answers: Yes, probably, & look it up. First I wanted to introduce you to yO.

Our new friend yO stormed the gates of our post about how Democrats love to lose special elections [that's not what it said, Shy -- yr wife], and boy did he have no issues with anything our Editrix wrote, or really anything to say about that. At all. What he did want to say was:

Fuuuuckkk Trump he is a piece of shiiiit

OK, I'm with you so far...

Hail King Leo!

He is the best footballer in the world

Oooookaaaaay?

Do you know who the fuck i am ?

...

Do you watch football?

...

I work for ISIS.

That escalated quickly...

Allah allah allah

Ballah, ballah, ballah, yak, yak, yak... He quickly descended from there:

MA pis pe voooooi saraciliiiiiiloooooooor

go fuck yourself

jd jnfhDF DF S N nefjaef

You get the idea, I think. While yO wasn't so much your typical troll, I wanted to include him just for the "Hail King Leo!" Can we make Hail King Leo a thing? I would sure like that. I have no idea who this King Leo is, and I don't want to know. Don't fucking ruin this for me.

Now, before we get to Turgid Love Muscle, allow me to introduce you to GasTheEvilLibs. Better yet, let's allow he/she/zee to introduce him/her/zier self:

  • Democrats are a party of takers, the gimme gimme gimme party.

  • Reform "Judaism" is not Judaism at all, but an anti-white, anti-Western political ideology dressed up in some religious garb.
  • Liberals only care about dead babies if they're ripped apart by 5.56 rounds. As long as they're ripped apart by scalpels in a doctor's office, that's just fine, because that's a "choice" after all!

So pretty much your standard edition, every day Wonker thus far, right? Just Kidding! GasTheEvilLibs is actually Turgid Love Muscle! Behold:

  • We could save $2 billion a year on HIV drugs if gay men would stop f*cking everything in sight.
  • Why do gay men find something as disgusting as another man's hairy bunghole to be a place to insert their cocks?
  • Trayvon is still dead. He was a homophobic racist who hated gay Hispanics.

"Big Deal," I can hear the uninitiated among you mumbling, "This is just your garden variety Homophobic Spotted Slug, just grab some salt and be done with it." But let me show you! (Also, you shouldn't mumble, it's rude.)

  • Normal, healthy Americans want to vomit at the thought of one limp wristed homosexual "man" penetrating another "man" with his erect penis. Liberals swoon at the thought of that.
  • Hey liberals, if you support same sex "marriage," what you're really saying is that you don't think there's anything wrong with a deviant man shoving his turgid love muscle into another man's enlarged sphincter and getting a state "marriage" license to bless that sodomy. Never forget that you're putting your stamp of approval on this sodomy!
  • If you say "congratulations" to a gay male "couple," then you're swooning. You know that they're violently penetrating each other's lubed up assholes, and are not gagging

It goes on and on like that. And on. And on. Finally:

  • Okay, I actually have work to do, so I'm done trolling. It's been fun all!

We know, we know... These novels don't just write themselves.

Nobody Does It Better

He came back for a brief encore three days later (JUST LIKE JESUS!!!11!!1!one ZOMG!!), this time as DontLetDemsDestroy. He tried to keep it together with 7-8 standard trollish comments, but really, just couldn't help but let his freak flag fly:

Hey Rebecca, if you support same sex "marriage," what you're really saying is that you don't think there's anything wrong with a deviant man shoving his turgid love muscle into another man's enlarged sphincter and getting a state "marriage" license to bless that sodomy. Never forget that!

Editrix said to me, "Did you ban him already? They like playing with Turgid Love Muscle." Yes, dear, I did.

For my penultimate offering of this week's edition, I give you truthynesslover. I am fairly certain that truthynesslover is a now-unemployed Russian Fake News Troll who just doesn't have anything better to do than to keep at it, months after the election has passed.

  • Hillary and her neo = liberal neo= CON cult member's make the Nazis look decent and compassionate. Aww no WW3 with Russia?........tissue genius?
  • did Russia LIE the world into IRAQ and destabilize the entire middle east and create ISIS and millions of refugees?

    And for what?

  • LOL! Bet you didnt.If you did you could never vote for Hillary who STOLE the nomination and gave US TRUMP.

There is no there there in Russia, Neo-Lib Killary stole the nomination and worst personed ever the election. I get it. So of course, I pressed my little Ban This Boring Twit button, but I have to admit, it brought back bittersweet memories of pre-election Twitter. But it didn't quite end there. The next day, I got this little gem in my email inbox, from a Miss J. Powers:

I found myself banned from you site for no other reason than having an opinion.The responses to me posts were far more foul than anything I posted , but I have never tried to ban someone or get their post removed for having an alternate opinion than mine ,in fact I enjoy those the most since I have to consider another way of looking at things that I may not have thought to.I was responding to a person who called me a Nazi for not having a pitchfork for which to skewer Trump.I hate Trump.I also hate Hillary.I think Trump is a baboon but that baboon was deliberately elevated by Hillary so she might look decent next to something and people still thought the baboon was either better or just not Hillary.That is something the democratic party needs to deal with and not my fault.If democrats thought they could cram the most hated democrat down the countries throat and then lose to an even more hated baboon is it the baboons fault?I think democrats are defecting the anger they should be feeling for Hillary and projecting it onto Trump.And people went after me for pointing out the obvious since they obviously cant reflect of the real reasons they lost the easiest election for any democrat in US history to win.My dogs lawn droppings could have won against Trump.Any decent democrat would have won but we didnt have one on the ballot.No One was more surprised than Trump that he won.He didn't even spend a dime to do it.I don't blame Trump I blame Hillary and the DNC.And for that I get banned?

**Shypixel hit by Wall Of Text for critical damage**

Well, aren't you a peach, Miss Powers. And actually, your dog's lawn droppings already ran against Trump, along with several other Republicans, and lost. Sorry Senator Cruz.

You Wonkers do like having your fun with trolls, that's for sure, and you like to think that you are good at it. You aren't, really. Most of you are terrible at it. But you have fun, and that's what is important. Do you know what is not fun? That's right, playing Monopoly. You know what else is not fun? Being our Editrix, and being tiny and adorable©, and receiving emails that say things like:

So youre more foul mouthed than a crack whore and you wonder why your murderer lesbian KILLary didnt win? She lost because of foul sub humans like yourself. You have kids? They should be taken away from you because i wouldnt let you watch over the dead much less the living. Youre free to leave this country you filthy traitor and youre also free to leave majority white montana and kiss some liberal ass in a city where more scum.like yourself reside. I say FUCK traitor filth like you who are ungrateful as shit and too goddamn childish,whiney to face reality. why are you concerned with who mike sleeps with? Maybe you should be a lady and you might get some on the regular!!! In fact , if youre that demented and miserable suicide is always an option. Please consider that. You are whats wrong with america. Spoiled whiney bitches who think they are entitled. Youre not not entitled to shit! Shut up and get over youself you majority white hypocrite. Stop hiding in montana and move to a real city if you really believe what you say. You hate trump and pence because they are honest and they checked your ghetto. You support murderers and you support adultery and women like clinton who dont have enough backbone to stand up to a man who cheats on you and humiliates you in front of the world. Do you let your husband eat office twat behind your back? You probably do because youre a pathetic hypocrite too. So think before you speak. Youre living proof that a degree doesnt mean shit because youre an idiot. Last but not least foul mouthed crack whore who calls herself a woman ,how about this: fuck you and your family and low life sub humans like you. America needs to stand up to your kind and thats what im doing. It works both ways. So yeah fuck you and fuck this email. I said my piece too you cry baby. Now go on a FUCK YOU RANT but do it in your kids faces and remind them what filth mommy really is and teach them to be just like you. A miserable bitch with no morals who hates herself and blames everyone else!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, Wonkette reader "Muffin" for writing in. Why do I share such vitriol in its entirety with you? To remind you that there are darker sides to these trolls, as a dear Wonkette couple I know dealt with recently. At least I can imagine him being so angry while typing that shit out, that his forehead veins throb, and he looks like this guy.

Fuck that guy.

Next week we welcome our Doktor Zoom back to his thought policing duties, but in the meantime, you can help make Becca feel better by clicking around on that tip form down below, or by signing up for one of our new recurring subscription plans with your EBT.

Shypixel
I make Orange look Good
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Nancy Pelosi kicked some fresh Trump ass this morning when she wrote a letter to Donald Trump letting him know he's no longer invited to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress on January 29. This is a great loss for all Americans who giggle when Trump mispronounces words that are simple for even the most remedial second graders.

For those of us who are bored with that bullshit at this point, guess what we don't have to do on January 29?

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