Denny Hastert, former speaker of the House and a serial child molester who for eight years was second in line to the presidency after Dick Cheney (who was already president anyway), has been sentenced to15 months in actual prison for crimes related to his unsuccessful cover up of how he molested five boys (that we know of).

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]In court, Hastert admitted for the first time that yes, he is a serial sexual abuser of children:

Hastert approached the microphone in court and apologized to those he victimized, saying he "mistreated athletes." Judge Thomas M. Durkin then pressed for details, asking directly if Hastert sexually abused the victims.

"Yes," Hastert finally said.

Hastert said he did not recall abusing Scott Cross, who identified himself as alleged victim Individual D in court testimony Wednesday, "but I accept his statement."

Asked by the judge about another alleged victim, Stephen Reinboldt, Hastert called it "a different situation" before finally acknowledging it.

"What I did was wrong and I regret it," Hastert said. "They looked to me and I took advantage of them."

Well, that is one way to put it. Sort of like the boys were stewardesses, and Hastert was a playboy who didn't call them after seducing them in his swinging space age bachelor pad.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]The defense asked Judge Thomas Durkin to give Hastert a judicial tongue bath and probation; Durkin, unaccountably, declined, even though Hastert had character references from other equally personally responsible Republicans, like former Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who wrote a letter saying Hastert was real good at praying and being prayerful and being a super awesome Republican guy who never molested boys in front of him. That was somehow not good enough for the judge, who is probably a Democrat who hates America and freedom.

Hastert, a former wrestling coach before his meteoric rise in politics due to "being the only Republican who wasn't actively fucking around on his wife while impeaching Bill Clinton (THAT THEY KNEW OF)," will never again get to position his La-Z-Boy in front of the locker room showers to ensure the boys "don't fight"; he will continue, however, once he is released, to be legally permitted to take a dump in public bathrooms full of all the underage boys he can find in any state in the nation.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...



In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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