Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn't find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward!

  • Our Top Derp comes from the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, who, according to a report from the SPLC, have come up with a most cunning plan to solve the problem of illegal border crossings: Imperial Lizard Robert Jones put on his robe and wizard hat and explained what to do with all those children, not to mention the drug dealers and Muslim terrorists that he's sure are there:

    “If we can’t turn them back, I think if we pop a couple of them off and leave their corpses laying at the border maybe they’ll see we’re serious about stopping immigration.”

    Nothing says "American Values" like a solution straight out of medieval Europe, after all.

  • In an amazing parallel, Ann Coulter had some thoughts that are remarkably similar to the Klan's, which you never would have suspected. On Fox's program Sean Hannity Lies And Yells For An Hour, Coulter wanted to see some righteous violence being layed down on the border, too, wishing that Israeli president Bibi Netanyahu could be "our president" too (no birth certificate needed), because the parallels between Gaza and illegal immigration are just so amazing to her:

    “More than a hundred tunnels have been found on our border,” Coulter said. “To smuggle in weapons, guns, they’re invading, They’re murdering, they’re raping. [...]

    “I just wish we would talk about our border the way we talk about Israel’s border.”

    “We need a Netanyahu here. Can you imagine all these -- yes, sometimes Palestinian kids get killed,” she said as she began to laugh. “That’s because they are, they’re associated with a terrorist organization that is harming Israel, and Netanyahu doesn’t care what the religious leaders say, weeping about Palestinian children. He doesn’t care what the UN says. He doesn’t care what the media says.”

    She concludes, “We are a country, we have borders, and Netanyahu enforces them. Why can’t we do that in America?”

    After all, is there really any difference between eight-year-olds who've escaped criminal gangs in Guatemala running to turn themselves in to Border Patrol officers, and a terrorist group firing rockets toward our territory? Both are unwanted clusters of atoms crossing an imaginary line, and so the responses should be pretty much the same.

  • Great American James Woods made a very funny Twitter joke about the border, too!And the very first comment leads into our next topic: "That is the plan, I'm sure! IF they survive Ebola!"
  • In another sphere of panic, the spectacularly idiotic Donald Trump worries that allowing Americans with ebola to be treated in America, even in high-containment medical facilities, is gonna kill us all, because haven't you people ever seen a movie? The containment systems NEVER work, and then 28 days later there's only scattered groups of survivors fighting off the zombie hordes. Trump, whose knowledge of science is as vast as his mastery of politics and ethics, tweeted last week,

    “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days -- now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

    And then followed that with another calm, rational assessment of the situation:

    “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

    Meanwhile, a treatment for reckless panic-mongering combined with terrible hair remains elusive.

  • On a related note, Rush Limbaugh is Very Concerned that Barack Obama is personally behind the decision to allow ebola patients to be treated on U.S. soil "for political gain," apparently because that is the only reason Limbaugh can fathom for anyone doing anything.

    Obviously, Obama just wants to look like a hero by allowing Americans -- yes, Americans; they're medical aid workers who were infected in Africa -- to be treated in a top-notch medical facility, so that he can look compassionate. After all, Rahm Emmanuel said that no crisis should ever be allowed to go to waste. Therefore, Obama is clearly up to something, possibly so that clear-headed smart guys like Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump can then be smeared as "heartless" just for wetting their pants in panic.

  • Senate Republicans are worried that a secret cabal of left-wing billionaires are taking advantage of loopholes in the tax laws to funnel money to environmental groups that are fighting global warming. David Vitter is very concerned about how the rich liberals are trying to destroy America with clean air and water, and all that made-up stuff about global warming:

    According to the report, billionaire environmentalists funnel large amounts of money to environmental groups to lobby on behalf of the Environmental Protection Agency.

    In exchange for their lobbying efforts, the groups receive generous tax write-offs and federal grants and funding. The money is channeled through a complex, multilayered web of organizations, with little to no disclosure, making it almost impossible to track, according to the report.

    Won't SOMEONE please think of the poor oil companies? Shouldn't they be allowed to have a voice, too?

  • And now we have some plain old-fashioned Goofy News Derp, to cheer you up after all this terrible idiocy. In Corvallis, Montana, a father and son were both arrested for growing pot at their family home. Nothing all that astonishing, except that the family's last name is, for reals, "Stoner." And so the arrest was a genuine Gift to Journalism, as we see in this headline from today's Missoulian:

    We also learn that deputies "allegedly discovered a grow operation at the elder Stoner’s home," and that the "younger Stoner told officers the marijuana belonged to him and that his father allowed him to grow it in the home." The Stoners have been released on their own recognizance pending trial, so Corvallis, MT, has Stoners running loose in the community once again.

  • And finally, from Deadspin, this important related news: in an NCAA report, or as they put it, "Buried in a stupid NCAA research blast about substance vice among young people and college athletes' relative virtues," there is this wonderful beautiful chart indicating that of all student athletes, lacrosse players are the ones who most love to get Hiiiiiigh:

    You'll have to make your own joke about that, since we are far too baked ourselves. It's like 100 degrees here in Boise.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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