Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition
Happy Sacred Baby Festival to all you Wonkers! Hope you've had as much festivity as you can handle,and perhaps more.* And now, for some Happy Holiderp: a roundup of seasonal stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a whole post of their own. We recommend that you treat it like dollar-store eggnog: add enough liquor, and you just won't mind the taste anymore.
"as we pulled up further, they were depicting decapitating babies and that happened to be on the side of the vehicle that my 2 year old was on and it was very traumatic for her she started crying and screaming because of the baby and it took me hours to calm her down."
Hey, it's in the Bible, so it's suitable for all ages, lady. You have a problem with the Bible? Extra points to the doofus local teevee reporter for describing the display as "historically accurate," but all points lost for their not including any video of the actual display. No photos appear to be online either, so instead we'll just link to an appropriate song.
The elf held a sign saying "We renounce the Devil and all his deeds and all his being." Knudsen believes that elves represent demonic spirits from Scandinavia's pre-Christian past, and executed the little toymaker (or dentist) to remind people that elves and Christmas do not mix. We respect his effort to keep fictional worlds from colliding, but as fanboys, we have no real problem with crossovers, as long as they're well done, like that one fanfic where Twilight Sparkle ends up teleporting into Hogwarts. Rev. Knudsen's efforts at elficide were subverted by local pranksters -- trolls, as it were -- who left garden gnomes around the pastor's house and kidnapped the elf and left a note saying it would be returned after the new year. The elfnapper turned himself in, but Vendsyssel police did not press charges, saying their "caseload was too heavy to make investigating theft of a stuffed toy elf a priority.” In America, we're pretty sure someone would have ended up getting shot.
The 5-foot-by-5-foot poster the Satanists hoped to display showed an angel falling into hell along with a message reading, “Happy holidays from the Satanic Temple.”
If nothing else, should make for a fun lawsuit.
"The lady looked at me,” said [Kristina] Vindiola. “I thought she was going to put money in the kettle. She came up to me and said, 'Do you believe in God?' And she says, ‘You're supposed to say Merry Christmas,' and that's when she hit me."
Phoenix police said that there was insufficient evidence to arrest the woman who Vindiola identified as her assailant; no word on whether the Merry Christmas Vigilante has yet been signed to a contract with Fox News.
“When Rand Paul tries to seem relevant with 15-year-old pop cultural references, it reminds me of when Bob Hope used to dress up as the Fonz, but that’s just me.”
Hahaha, don't get your hopes up, guy. In the next few years, we should probably expect grumpy editorials about how Festivus has gotten too commercialized.
*Next year, we're really going to remember to repost KBJ's Eggnog Riot recipe with the Thanksgiving Foodtacular.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.