Happy weekend, wonktastic ones! You know how it works: Every weekend we see what horrible crud is stuck in our open browser tabs, bring you the stories that are too stoopid to ignore, but not quite worth a full post on their own, and then spend the rest of the day waiting for Heidi N. Moore to complain that we STOLED her brilliant idea that was hers first. And so we proudly present "Today in Tabs, by Heidi N. Moore."

  • Our first story in Today in Tabs, by Heidi N. Moore, is an update on awesome Tea Party Hero Tim Donnelly, the California Assemblyman who bravely announced that he was removing his 13-year-old son from the Government schools because transgender toilet tyranny. (Just shut up about how the family had already decided on sending the kid to private school before the bill passed -- they're taking a stand here.) Mr. Donnelly recently announced he's running for governor, and will create a "tsunami of jobs" by cutting regulation and putting a gun in every gun safe. Also he has huge testicles and a sexy wife, as Maria Conchita Alonso tells us in his insane campaign ad.

    You need to see this ad -- yes, even you video non-clickers. We especially like the part in the middle, where Alonso goes "off script" and argues with him about hunting, because she loves the little furry critters. As ThinkProgress notes, it's doubtful whether having a Spanish-speaking lady in the ad will get Donnelly a lot of support with Latino voters, what with his being a founding member of the California Minutemen border vigilantes and all. Oh, also, he'll reduce regulations but also make California McDonalds pay $20 an hour, since that's what they pay in North Dakota. (Maybe he'll discover oil in an unpopulated area to replicate the conditions that brought that about in North Dakota).

  • We also had an open tab (thanks for the idea, Heidi N. Moore!) with this dumb thing from Daily Caller: You maybe heard about that completely fake scandal with Chris Christie's administration having blocked traffic on a bridge? Well did you know that both sides do exactly the same thing?Daily Caller's false equivalency editor Patrick Howley revealed that New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s "handpicked City Council speaker" Melissa Mark-Viverito was among the Occupy Wall Street protestors who were arrested for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge on November 17, 2011. Why, she and the other protestors sat down on the roadway for entire minutes before being arrested! But is she apologetic? No! Unlike Chris Christie, who is very, very sorry that his administration created gridlock all over Fort Lee for four days -- and let's not forget the delayed paramedics) -- Melissa Mark-Viverito is not the least bit apologetic for having participated in a completely equivalent traffic-delaying action. But has the liberal media even mentioned her treachery, which may also rank with that of Hillary Clinton on Benghazi, which the liberal media also never mentioned? No. The liberal media has not. And you also did not read this paragraph.
  • In a Texas Monthly piece published last week, freshman Rep. Joaquín Castro revealed that John Boehner said a swear about Iowa Congressderper Steve King a while back. When King made his infamous remarks about Dream Act kids being mostly drug mules with "calves the size of cantaloupes," Boehner denounced the remarks. Shortly after that public rebuke, Castro says, Boehner shared a more private opinion:

    On a day not too long after Boehner’s political body check of Steve King for his immigration comments, the speaker was milling around the aisle walkway in the middle section of the House floor where the Democratic and Republican territories meet. Another Texas Democrat and I were standing a few feet away, and as the speaker passed us we thanked him for denouncing King’s offensive comments. He slowed his stride and then paused to turn toward us. “What an asshole,” he said. My thoughts exactly, Mr. Speaker.

    So say we all, Mr. Speaker. And Heidi N. Moore will be glad to know we have now closed that tab, too.

  • Say, speaking of the terminus of the alimentary canal, how about thin-skinned Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, who fumed at an attorney who was making his first appearance before the Court,

    Counsel, you are not reading this, are you?

    Egad, an attorney consulting notes in the presence of the exalted Antonin Scalia? Maybe that is the way they behave in Podunk Municipal Traffic Court, Counsel, but do you know where you are? You are in an atmosphere of decorum and gravitas, which is why Justice Scalia gets to reserve all the dick moves for himself. That was almost as petulant as complaining that other bloggers are putting together stories culled from their open browser tabs, when Heidi N. Moore clearly thought of it first.

  • What's that, you say that you would like to know if we have any other open tabs* on judicial matters? Why, yes, we do! How about that federal court decision striking down Oklahoma's ban on same-sex marriage? It turns out that wackaloon state legislator Sally Kern, who once declared teh gheys worse than terrorists, has a Thought on the decision:

    "Homosexuality is not a civil right. It's a human wrong...Homosexuals are saying this is who we are. This is how we're born. You tell a lie long enough, people begin to believe it."

    You know, when you can't even make the two halves of your attempt at antimetabole match up, you should maybe not try to do the rhetoric at all.

  • Our next open tab (in a collection inspired by H.N. Moore) is an update that we're certain nobody saw coming: Freedom Industries, the owners of the plant that pooped toxic 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol all over West Virginia's water supply last week, has filed for bankruptcy. Thanks to environmental worrywarts and the rapacious liability lawyers, there goes another jerb creator down the drain. Just don't wash or cook with the residue. Also, hearty congratulations to MSNBC's Alex Wagner for seamlessly rattling off the chemical name "4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol" without a hitch on her Friday show -- we only wish we had the video, because it was pretty impressive.
  • In another tab, which we opened while saying a prayer to St. Heidi of Moore, we see that the White House, in keeping with its pledge to provide a response to any petition with 100,000 signatures, issued a brief statement that despite the fervent wishes of petitioners from the People's Republic of China, it will not be forcing Jimmy Kimmel's show off the air. Gawker essplains:

    In October, Jimmy Kimmel aired a sketch where he asked little kids how they would solve America's debt to China. One kid said, "Kill everyone in China," and everyone laughed and moved on, until they didn't.

    The comment blew up in China, Kimmel apologized, ABC's president apologized (twice), and someone started a petition on asking the White House to shut down the show and formally apologize for it. More than 100,000 people signed the letter, which compared the skit to the "rhetoric used in Nazi Germany."

    The White House reply said, well, no, we have this First Amendment thing that we like a lot, so maybe now that everyone has apologized, you guys could STFU and realize that one stupid child in a comedy skit does not set American policy, no matter how much news coverage Ted Cruz gets.

  • And finally, we bring you this last open tab: Mean Old Lady Barbara Bush, who is feeling much better after a brief hospital scare (and we are glad she is all better, because we are not mean-spirited), said in an interview on C-SPAN last week that while her boy Jeb is the "best qualified" possible candidate for president in 2016, she really would prefer that he not run:

    "I hope he won't, because I think he'll get all my enemies, all his brother's, all -- and there are other families," she said. "I refuse to accept that this great country isn't raising other wonderful people."

    Talk about sacrificing for the good of the country, which does not need any more political dynasties! It is like a story from Shakespeare, almost, or at least it is like this one Shakespearean tale we saw in a Captain Klutz comic by Don Martin, which was itself loosely based on The Sound of Music by Richard Rogers, Oscar Hammerstein, and Heidi N. Moore. Or maybe it is just an acknowledgement that America is kind of tired of her whole blasted family.

  • *Story idea by Heidi N. Moore

    [Gawker / ThinkProgress / Daily Caller / TPM / Mother Jones / Towleroad / ThinkProgress / Gawker / TPM]

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    Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

    As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

    No, really, THANKS!

    Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

    Oh, but we are to kid!

    After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

    I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

    After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

    As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

    Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

    So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

    So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

    Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

    In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

    Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

    Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

    Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

    And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

    Follow your FDF on Twitter!

    Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

    [Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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    While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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