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Unleash the Lebowski references!


Tuesday is the big ol' California Primary, and it's not merely the almost-but-not-quite final showdown for Bernie and Hillary (BOTH OF WHOM ARE SWELL), it's also the chance for residents of the Golden State to choose among 34 candidates (most of whom are loonies) for the U.S. Senate. For non-presidential races, instead of a "Republican primary" and a "Democratic primary," California has this goofy primary system where everybody is on one ballot regardless of party, and then the top two vote-getters from the primary go on to the general election in November. Thanks to the retirement of Forever Senator Barbara Boxer, the seat is open, so everydamnbody decided to run for it. Through some miracle, Scott Brown did not move to California and declare himself a lifelong resident with long family ties to the state.

While there are a bunch of Republicans running for the Senate this year, all the polling indicates two Democrats are headed for the general: state Attorney General Kamala Harris, and Rep. Loretta Sanchez, the congresslady from Orange County whose big claim to fame is that she does the "whimsical" Christmas cards every year. For a long time they featured her cat, Gretzky, including this one from 2006 that was a gift unto the Internet Double-Entendre Machine:

But then in 2010 Gretzky died, as pets will do, and Sanchez sent the saddest Christmas card in human history:

Oh, also, the other thing to know about Loretta Sanchez is that in 2007 she angrily resigned the Congressional Hispanic Caucus after accusing the chairman, Rep. Joe Baca, of calling her a whore. Which is kind of ridiculous, since it's her sister Linda, also a congresslady, who got pregnant out of wedlock like a common Palin (but unlike a Palin, she got and stayed married to the daddy). So really, there are no whores here. The Sanchez sisters have the distinction of being the only pair of sisters to serve simultaneously in the U.S. Congress, also. Loretta may break up the act with her Senate run, since she's currently polling well behind Kamala Harris. As to Loretta's politics: She's from Orange County, has said some really stupid things about Muslims -- that "anywhere between 5 and 20 percent" support terrorism to bring about a worldwide caliphate, for instance. She's enough of a blue dog that a lot of Republicans plan to vote for her if she comes in second to Harris in the primary, as seems likely. So, no thanks. There's also enough "undecideds" in the polling to maybe possibly give one of the Republicans a shot at beating Sanchez, though no R's were above 10 percent in end-of-May polling.

Kamala Harris is way out in front in the polls, though we'd never be so foolish as to tempt the Wrath of the Whatever from High Atop the Thing by suggesting she has a lock on the election. But we're quite happy to say why she's pretty nifty, like even beyond the fact that a lot of Americans first heard of her when Barry Bamz called her "by far the best looking attorney general." Suddenly Fox News discovered that it was untoward to talk about women politicians' looks, and Yr Editrix lost her Feminist Card by agreeing that Kamala Harris was a lot easier on the eyes than Eric Holder and Ken Cuccinelli rolled together.

As for doing some Attorney Generalling, Harris has done good things like bringing down the Hammer of Justice on the scammy scuzzbags of Corinthian College, for doing fraud and general grossness. Harris also figured in a surprising number of Wonkette stories last year about that moran attorney who wanted to put a "Shoot The Gays" initiative on the ballot, mostly because she tyrannically wouldn't let him do that.

Harris does have one seriously odd Wonket moment, which doesn't appear to have made any difference to the campaign, probably because it was too weird to even count as a "scandal": Last year, one of her aides, Brandon Kiel, was arrested for impersonating a police officer due to his involvement in what was described as a "Masonic police force" -- he was stupid enough to think that his pretend association of Knights Templar was important enough that he contacted actual law enforcement officers to see how his group could "help" with keeping the peace, and maybe fighting off ninjas or something. As of yet, it doesn't look like there are enough Alex Jones fans for that to affect Harris's chances.

Harris also gets big props (ha! ha!) for having refused to defend Proposition 8, the no-gay-marriage law that was finally tossed by the Supreme Court in 2013 on the same day it threw out DOMA. Since Prop 8 was thrown out when the jerkwads who tried to defend it were ruled to not have standing, you can indirectly thank Harris for Prop 8's demise. So what we are saying is we like Kamala Harris a lot and expect her to be every bit as infuriating to rightwingers as Barbara Boxer was, long may she do Senatoring.

Even if the top two spots in the primary aren't likely to make for much of a surprise, let's just take a few minutes to appreciate the weirdos who were drawn to the Senate race by the low, low filing fee of $3480, some nominating petitions, and two boxtops from your favorite cereal.

Some of the candidate statements from the Secretary of State's office are simply precious. There's Democrat Massie Munroe, who promises to end "international bankers' rule and their financial exploitation of nations" as well as "ending mind control slavery" and "non-consensual human experimentation." You'd think she'd be making a bigger fuss about those Masonic Police. Munroe goes on to explain:

Through my national and international research and political activism, I identified "mind control slavery" by satellite energy technology weapons and social engineering programs that have been in continual development for the past 50 years and facilitated their "declassification". As a result, I came under heavy sanctions that are ongoing.

And yes, she has a website where she goes into even further detail, asking the really important questions about American Democracy:

What freedom is there, I ask, if there is not the freedom to think one's own thoughts free from interferance such as that from Voice to Skull (V2K) mind control technology, to be able to hold one's own beliefs, to decide when to sleep, or not to sleep, to dream one's own dream-state dreams, to experience one's own emotional state, to own one's own mental state, etc.?

You sort of have to like a candidate who lists a Mother Jones piece on "My 6 Favorite Candidates for Senator From California" -- a list of the goofiest, that is -- on her "endorsements" page.

On the far happier side of the eccentricity spectrum, we have Democratic candidate President Cristina Nicole Grappo, and yes, she does seem to have changed her first name to "President," so she'll be Senator President Cristina Nicole Grappo if elected. Her candidate statement says

I hold a Democratic Party platform with key issues for gun control, human trafficking, balancing the national deficit, and foreign policy initiatives. I am mainstream Facebook in social media! My core values drive America!

It's not every candidate who's willing to come right out and say they're for human trafficking. No website, but her mainstream Facebook page has exactly the same ALL-CAPS message printed again and again. In it she promises to "SWEAR IN THE NEW UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT JUSTICE & BOOST BOTH DEFENCE & DEFENSE!" and assures us

I AM THE RIGHT LEFT UNITED STATES SENATOR TO REPRESENT THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DUE TO MY EDUCATION, EXPERIENCE, AND VISIBLE WHITE HOUSE WWW.WHITEHOUSE.GOV WORK, INCLUDING TARGET CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE! EUREKA! I FOUND IT!

As if that weren't compelling enough, she closes the deal with this stirring peroration:

I WILL SURELY INCREASE MORE LEGISLATIVE GOOD NEWS FOR THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA & BEYOND THAT RESPECTS LAW & ORDER! IN ADDITION, I PROMISE TO GENERATE KEY & CORE COMMEMORATIVE SOLUTIONS IN LINE WITH THE CONSTITUTION OF CALIFORNIA, AS WELL AS THE U.S. CONSTITUTION, AS PRESIDENT CRISTINA GRAPPO, THE COMPETENT & EFFECTIVE VISA LEADER IN OFFICE!

We like her a lot more than that sourpuss Massie Munroe, that's for sure.

There's also Paul Merritt (no party preference), who can't seem to decide between first person and third person in his candidate statement:

We need a strong USA defense. Merritt is solid on international issues. I believe in Faith, respect people and all religions. Merritt supports Senator Feinstein's boarder security fence, no offshore oil drilling, and our desert environmental protection Act. Merritt adheres that President Reagan's idea on small government is best.

Also with no party preference is Don J. Grundmann, who also doesn't have a candidate statement, but does have a website, www.fightthepower.org, which despite the Public Enemy reference is your standard collection of rightwing looniness about the IRS, the Federal Reserve, and of course the gay/transgender plot to recruit all our children into perversion. Also, he offers us "THE TRUTH about the Matrix," which we thought might simply explain that one good movie didn't really make the Wachowskis cinematic geniuses, but instead seeks to explain something about how RFK's assassination was part of a hoax perpetrated by the same shadowy conspiracy that rigs the economy and steals from you through the income tax. Also, he'll eliminate racism by defunding Planned Parenthood. Yup. He's crazy, but not all that funny.

In a similar vein is partyless Jason Kraus, who wants to abolish the income tax and replace it with a graduated sales tax, except there'll be an exemption for some food: "All fresh fruits and vegetables (nothing canned), nuts (unsalted), refrigerated meat and dairy (excluding anything with added sugar or sugar substitutes) will be tax free." He's also written a "novel" called Late Bird, whose main character, "Falcon Sane," wants to become President and save America from itself. We have asked for a review copy, but may break down and blow ten bucks on the e-book. It looks like it has a happy ending:

As a successful businessman, and with an incredible woman at his side, Falcon turns his passion toward fixing the corruption of his beloved America and runs for president. His message is clear: United, we can make a difference.

No Party Preference candidate Jason Hanania's candidate statement is the most succinct of the bunch; he says only "01100101," which is binary code for the letter "e" as in e-voting. He told Vice all about his cool plan to "reengineer democracy using electronic voting software through which every American votes on how their elected officials should vote. With this system, every American can have a seat at the legislative table." Which rather negates the need for legislators altogether, doesn't it? He admits it would be complicated, but "it's easier than putting a man on the moon!" Don't see how that could possibly go wrong, as long as you don't mind our laws being written by 4chan.

And finally, there's the enigmatic Ling Ling Shi, who has no photo in the voter guide, no website, and whose candidate statement reads only "Run for God’s Heart and America’s Freedom, challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors." We were rather hoping this candidate might propose fighting the 10 giant chaos with a force of giant robots, but a bit of Googling found what appears to be a book by the same person. A disappointed reader dismisses it as "fundamentalist religious bollocks," so we guess we're stuck with 10 giant chaos after all.

The mainstream Facebook lady is looking better all the time.

Want to send some Ameros to Kamala Harris? Here's her ActBlue donation page! You want to support any of the others, that's your business, bub. If you'd like to support Wonkette's 10 giant countdown of ALL this year's U.S. Senate races, you can hit the tip jar here. It's so much easier when we don't have to use mind control on you.

[HuffPo / OC Register / Bloomberg / LAT / Mother Jones / California Voter Guide / President Cristina Nicole Grappo on Facebook / Vice / Goodreads]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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