Devin Nunes Has Leaking Fever, Only Cure Is More Cow
GODDAMMIT, DEVIN! Can't you go one single day without shitting the bed? Apparently not. Last night Fox broke the news that Devin Nunes, Cow Detective, was about to bust this Russia investigation wide open.
DIS GON BE GOOD! (Spoiler Alert: No it isn't.)
Hours after getting caught redhanded leaking Senator Mark Warner's texts, Devin Nunes fired off a letter to Jeff Sessions, Christopher Wray, and FBI Inspector General Michael Horowitz demanding to know when they are going to throw all their agents in jail for being mean to poor, stupid Carter Page. Then he handed off a copy to Fox so the Murdoch Minions could rev up the wingnut machine before the lamestream media knew what hit them. Only we're all trapped in Emperor Dementia's timeline where there are eight scandals an hour, so Devin's stupid memo caused barely a ripple. Even Fox couldn't be bothered to tweet it this morning. SAD!
Here, we brought you a Scribd!
It's a shame that this latest round of fuckery isn't getting more play, because it really is a masterwork of obstinate ignorance. The Democratic rebuttal entirely debunked all Nunes's bullshit about the Steele Dossier being the only evidence used to get a FISA warrant on Carter Page. But Devin is still sticking his stupid memo in people's faces as if it proves the Russians didn't fuck our elections and there is NO COLLUSION, so we must LOCK HER UP.
Here's Devin Nunes, Animal Husband, volunteering his legal services to the Bureau in their internal investigation of possible FISA abuses.
UH HUH. Well, conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and contempt of court are not "statutes" per se. And only a judge can find someone in contempt of court. And 50 U.S. Code § 1809 does refer to unlawful electronic surveillance, but specifically exempts searches "authorized by and conducted pursuant to a search warrant or court order." And no, STFU, Carter Page was being actively recruited by Russian spies over several years! The US government did not violate his Civil Rights under 18 U.S.C. § 242 by lawfully obtaining a FISA warrant on him and renewing it when they caught him doing all that weird Russia stuff.
And your letter relies on an outdated 2011 version of the FBI Manual. Here's the current version, you illiterate Udder Grabber!
DEVIN! Next time you want to dress up and play Bigboy Superlawyer Matlock, get one of the IRL lawyers on the Committee to show you how to use the section symbol "§." You'll still get made as an idiot, but it might take a few more minutes.
Yeah, it's a real mystery why IRL lawyer Trey Gowdy wouldn't co-sign this very important investigative letter. Can't wait to see the FBI's response! Personally, if we'd just gotten caught leaking classified Senate documents to the media, we might be a little more careful about poking the FBI. But Devin Nunes will keep his own wise counsel.
All we are saying is, "MOOOOOOOOOO."
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.