Dick Cheney Offers Opinions, Irony Meters Become Sentient Long Enough To Jump From Tall Buildings


How unfair is it that (insert name of a beloved family member/spouse/friend/celebrity/pet/serial killer/Iraqi citizen/American soldier here) is dead and Dick Cheney still roams the earth? Just the thought of that ancient visage sneering at all of us from the crypt where he hangs out in between feedings is enough to send yr Wonkette into apoplectic shock. If he couldn’t retire to a cell in the Hague, is it too much to ask that he at least stay the fuck out of the public eye for the rest of eternity?

Alas, there are still some who think Dick Cheney’s opinion matters, and those people have airtime to fill on the teevee. So, taking a break from his usual daily activity of disemboweling virgins and feasting on their bloody entrails for sustenance, the former president vice-president appeared on "Fox News Sunday" to opine on America’s recent “discovery” that our government knows about every time we have ever called out for Chinese food in the last decade.

Here’s Dick defending the NSA program by invoking 9/11 NEVER FORGET:

If we’d been able to read their mail and intercept those communications and pick up from the calls overseas the numbers they were using here in the United States we would then probably have been able to thwart that attack.

Or you and the president could have paid attention to your daily intelligence briefings. But don’t let us stop you from trying to scare the living piss out of the elderly shut-ins who watch "Fox News Sunday."

I don’t pay a lot of attention to what Barack Obama says. I find a lot of it’s in other areas…for example IRS, Benghazi, not credible.

Keep that one in mind for just a second…

He’s wrong. It (the War on Terror) is not winding down…the other problem we’ve got is nuclear weapons and weapons of mass destruction.

Ha ha ha, Mr. “Last Throes” doesn’t think the War on Terror is winding down, which means it probably ended around 2006 and nobody bothered to tell us. And did not Dick Cheney lose the last of whatever tiny shard of credibility he might have once possessed on weapons of mass destruction when we occupied Iraq and put a big fat goose egg up on the WMD scoreboard? Based on what we have seen recently, the WMD we have to worry about can be found on sale at Target for fifty bucks. We should probably ban all sales of nails, glass, and ball bearings while we’re at it. Maybe Bamz should order the military to invade Home Depot.

By now Dick Cheney only exists to give our cardiologist a reason for concern. There can be no other point to his continued occupation of space in the universe.

After those nuggets of wisdom dripped from his lips like ichor from the dread nostrils of some unspeakable eldritch hellbeast, Cheney argled and bargled for another ten minutes about how John McCain is right that we should bomb the ever-loving shit out of some Syrians because his bloodlust is never sated, and also that we should have sent the entire Sixth Fleet to BENGHAAAAZI!!1!! the minute our consulate came under attack and Susan Rice cover-up IRS something something, by which point we had stopped listening and laid down on our nice kitchen floor until the blood vessels in our eyes stopped exploding.

[Hulu, because we are not in the mood to give Fox any web traffic today, goddammit]


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