Did Roy Moore Make A Grifty Fib? Lucky He Has That Hotline To Jesus!
— ABC News (@ABC) September 26, 2017
You know he got booted off the judicial bench twice for Moses cosplay.
BUT WHAT IF WE TOLD YOU HE WAS COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT TOO!
Yesterday, The Daily Beast reported on several discrepancies between Moore's Senate finance disclosure in June, and the one he submitted to the Alabama Ethics Commission in April.
For instance, Moore told the state of Alabama that he got between $50,000 and $150,000 in speaking fees last year.
But he told fedrul gubmint that no one paid him nothin' nohow for no speakin' fees. And anyone that says otherwise is a lowdown dirty varmint!
Okay, we made up the varmint part. But, like WHYYYYYY???? This is the dumbest lie ever.
Or maybe this is the dumbest lie ever. Here's Judge Roy telling the fed that he don't owe nothin' to no one.
And here he is telling Alabama that he's got somewhere north of $150,000 in debt.
Did he think no one would notice? Okay, it's been 40 years since he graduated from University of Alabama Law School, and he isn't exactly Perry Mason. But it says right in the instructions that false statements are subject to criminal penalty. WTF, dude? In the millionaires' club of the US Senate, no one gives a shit whether you got a pissant $150,000 in speaking fees, credit card debt, or handjobs from a rentboy behind the Piggly Wiggly. Why lie?
Because when you lie about stupid shit, it makes people think about that other lie you told. The one about your Foundation for Moral Law (FML!). You know, the one Mitch McConnell's PAC ran this ad about.
The Daily Beast reports,
Moore’s recent disclosure reports are not the only ones that have potential discrepancies. In a 2014 report to state ethics officials, Moore noted that his wife, Kayla Moore, drew a $65,000 salary from the Foundation for Moral Law, the non-profit group that Moore ran before assuming his state judgeship. But FML’s annual tax filing for that year says that Mrs. Moore did not receive any compensation from the group.
“Both can’t be true,” [Campaign Legal Center director Brendan] Fischer noted. “Either Roy Moore is misleading Alabama or Kayla Moore is misleading the IRS.”
We get why you told that fib. You and your wife rotated out of the presidency of your foundation, paying yourselves a salary that amounted to more than a million dollars between 2005 and 2013. Donors know that you're not using ALL of their money to build giant Ten Commandments statues to dump in public buildings. But there's a difference between knowing and seeing you and the missus take home $100,000 in a state where the average salary is $39,000.
The Foundation hasn't filed the 2015 and 2016 returns yet, so we don't know what Mrs. Moore got paid this year. But in true party of personal responsibility style, you blamed the help. Via AL.com,
"The accountant that normally does our tax returns has been sick and almost died," said [Kayla Moore's assistant]. "He has since spoken with the IRS and the missing 2015 return will be filed in the next few days. And we have an extension on the 2016 return."
We can't help but wonder what those returns are going to say if and when you ever get around to filing them. Did you take all those good people's donations and use them to try to get mandatory prayer to White Jesus in all primary schools? Or did the foundation give your wife a raise after you lost your job in September? Did you maybe put yourself back on the payroll as a legal consultant? And were you planning to file those returns before voters go to the polls in December?
Oh, we make funny. We know damn well your accountant is going to be "sick" until after the election. Lucky thing he called the IRS -- they are always chill about those things!
Now we are not saying that Roy Moore is 2017's Todd Akin. But we are starting to smell something funny coming out of Alabama. And to think, we'd never have noticed it if you hadn't told a pack of stupid, pointless lies. WHOA IF TRUE.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.