Did Somebody Spike Trump's Baby Formula With Trucker Speed Last Night?
Donald Trump took to Twitter last night, ostensibly after shoving his entire head into a trough of Bennies and milk, to yell a lot about Hillary Clinton, Russia, and healthcare.
Apparently frustrated by the recent investigations into his son-in-law Jared Kushner, whom he has given at least 45 new jobs in the last week, and his ties to Russia, Trump demanded an investigation into his dumb, and already debunked, conspiracy theory about Hillary Clinton selling uranium ore to the Russians for nefarious purposes.
It's really cool he clearly thinks he is still campaigning against Hillary Clinton, but even cooler how he ends it "Trump Russia story a HOAX!" like he is a person other than Donald Trump weighing in on this situation. It's almost like he's throwing his Twitter voice! Or maybe he's writing this in the persona of former Trump spokesman John Barron? Who knows!
Following that, he started yelling about healthcare again, and how mad he is that the Republican House Freedom Caucus sabotaged all his beautiful plans. Apparently no one saw fit to tell him about the new narrative that Sean Spicer is trying to peddle in which Trump actually walked away from Ryan's healthcare plan because it was a bad deal.
But really, the deal not going through is really the fault of the Democrats not going along with it, even though the GOP had enough seats to win. But once Obamacare folds, they will be forced to make a deal with him. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And then, also, they will give him ONE MILLION DOLLARS, or else he will blow up the moon.
"It's all coming together -- this, surely, is a plan that cannot fail" he whispered to himself, while gently stroking his daughter Ivanka on the head in lieu of a cat because he doesn't do pets. "It's all coming together."
Yes, it surely is.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse