DNC Night 1: From Abortion To Zabortion, Everything You Want And Need

DNC Night 1: From Abortion To Zabortion, Everything You Want And Need

Welcome, Wonketeers! This is night one of the Democratic National Convention, where principled leaders get together to discuss a bold future for liberali...liber...

HAHAHAHAHAHA they're totally going to pander for independent voters and toss out red meat, but everyone there is a vegan, so it's dyed tofu.

Naturally dyed tofu, none of that Red-5. Monster.

9:03 PM - TED STRICKLAND IS GIVING A LITERAL SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF OHIO. (Disclaimer: he is my former boss and I love him.)

9:06 PM - Someone apparently showed Ted the Urban Dictionary definition of "HAM". And he then said, "I would like to go that."

9:08 PM - Kathleen Sebelius is out, I wonder when she's going to burn a crucifix, hm?

9:10 PM - "Nixoncare"? Damn, Richard Nixon is ghost-taping her dad right now.

9:11 PM - Insurance companies can no longer discriminate against women, but they probably can against men, now, certainly. #WarOnMen

9:13 PM - It would have been great if someone had explained all of this to the American public sometime between 2009 and RIGHT NOW.

9:14 PM - I know you're bored as hell right now, but this is electric for Kathleen Sebelius.

9:16 PM - Rahm Emanuel on to "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'", and I hope that somethin' is an unnecessary fight with a fast-food chain.

9:17 PM - We can rest easy - if there were easy solutions, Rahm would have found them!

9:22 PM - MC Hammer is at the DNC!!!

9:24 PM - I miss the RNC's constant repetition of a single edited soundbite. All these different things being said are confusing and scary.

9:26 PM - Kumar's on stage! I guess Obama let him out of Gitmo, then? CHANGE.

9:27 PM - Kal Penn makes an empty chair joke and just lost the lead in Million Dollar Baby 2: Billion Dollar Tween.

9:28 PM - Nobody better to tell me about how well Obama has done than a rich actor who left a show I really liked to go do something for Obama that I can't really remember or define.

9:31 PM - Mark this as the first moment a Twitter hashtag was ever sardonically distributed via political convention. We are all heroes today.

9:33 PM - It is time for some token diversity as the Obamas bring out what I'm sure are hired family members.

9:37 PM - Barack Obama is talking about women eating bacon at home, which I'm entirely sure is sexist. Romney bounce?

9:39 PM - Lilly Ledbetter is onstage, and will be the only person with a Texas accent at this entire convention.

9:45 PM - If Barack Obama continues to intervene in every Supreme Court decision and naming laws after the losers, he will be President for Life!

9:49 PM - I am watching a convention where people are steadfastly supporting  marriage and government health insurance but hahaha it's gay healthcare for everyone! Paul Ryan must feel lost.

9:52 PM - Not to bring policy into this, but Obamacare doesn't actually cover everyone. It covers a lot of people! And a lot more than before! But not everyone.

9:57 PM - Deval Patrick pretends that the "I Have A Dream" speech was about more than Americans needing to avoid talking about or noticing race. FOR SHAME, BLACK MITT ROMNEY.

9:59 PM - Martin O'Malley kind of has a bootleg Michael Caine thing going on.

10:01 PM - Martin O'Malley should leave to Aaliyah's "Back and Forth". Just saying.

10:02 PM - O'Malley is so goddamn happy to be giving the message line over and over again.

10:07 PM - Tim Duncan's mayor is on!

10:08 PM - Oh, wait, that wasn't him, that was his...identical twin? Democrats couldn't even find different-looking Hispanics for prime time???

10:11 PM - There should be a third Castro sibling, an evil anarchist Castro sibling. Also Julian > Joaquin.

10:12 PM - There's so much aspiration and wishing at this thing. This convention needs more looming evil on the horizon.

10:14 PM - "We know you can't be pro-business unless you're pro-education." A number of Southeast Asian factories would like to have a word with you.

10:18 PM - Castro pulled the funniest joke any Castro has pulled since Fidel convinced us he was still alive.

10:24 PM - This Julian Castro fellow will be on many of your television talky shows in the near future, I predict. Or his brother when he's got the runs.

10:26 PM - So, an unknown guy comes out and gives a really quite great speech about his mother, using Spanish, supporting his nominee, and hey, what's Chris Christie yelling at right now?


10:30 PM - Michelle Obama intro video. Surprisingly devoid of her snatching donuts out of fat children's hands.

10:33 PM - Can we vote for Michelle Obama for first lady as like a separate thing?

10:38 PM - This lady is voting for Michelle Obama just because Michelle wrote a letter back to her, but I get letters back from Sallie Mae all the time and I am not voting for her.

10:40 PM - Fact Check: some injured soldiers may not run marathons. (Submitted by Paul Ryan.)

10:42 PM - Michelle Obama talks about her daughters and how much she loves them. Fact check: she does love them.

10:43 PM - Michelle Obama talks about her and Barack being poor. Not Romney poor, where they lived in an apartment instead of a home, but like, actually poor.

10:45 PM - Michelle said, "Barack was brought up all the way across the country," but you know she was going to say "the Kenya". ALMOST, BIRTHERS!

10:48 PM - This speech is basically going right at everything Ann and Mitt said, but never once saying the word "Romney" or "rich-ass white folk". Remarkable restraint.

10:51 PM - I am so bored by nobody talking about who actually built things. PICK IT UP, FITNESS LADY.

10:55 PM - Michelle Obama defends community organizing? Is there nothing she cannot do? Besides eat fried foods?

10:57 PM - I can't believe all the class warfare that isn't in this speech.

11:02 PM - Some might say Michelle Obama ran over, I say she made time stop.

11:04 PM - C-SPAN just did a series of shots of people trying to pretend they aren't crying.

11:06 PM - And I'm out. I'm not going to remark on the fact that Michelle Obama gave a legitimately great speech that was a stirring embrace of American values and ideals, or that she is awesome. Must maintain cynicism. Look over there. LOOK OVER THERE NOW.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc