What's inside the great bag of stuff given to America's Media (plus the foreigners) at the DNC? Let's examine it, together, and wish we were at a fancier event, like the Golden Globes or something.

From left to right:

• The bag itself: Just a blue sack with Coke and AT&T logos. Probably made in China by armless children orphaned in the Georgian war.
• Brochure for something called "Joint Juice."
• Hike/Bike map of Denver. Too bad bicycles aren't allowed anywhere near Pepsi Center!
• Invite for Starz chill-out lounge, where you watch cable movies and cry.
• Can of "Joint Juice." It's liquid dope!
• Big-ass notebook made of recycled crap.
• Scary little emergency radio with earbuds, to let you know when Putin launches the nukes on Denver.
• Little plastic boxes of ... mints? We can't get them to open. Let's say they're mints.
• Logo pens, more brochures for various crap, "Dale Carnegie's Golden Book," which is just a tiny brochure of like two pages.
• Post-It notes. We have been leaving these all over with cryptic warnings about the space monster invasion.
• More goddamned "Joint Juice." It is actually a way for old people to get a hip replacement.
• Piece of garbage you are supposed to plant in the dirt, to make a "garbage plant."
• Water bottle made out of that poison plastic that makes babies grow beaks.
• Hand sanitizer with handy belt clip. Use after touching Democrat genitalia or hands.
• Little windmill lapel pin to prove you love windmills.
• Little bicycle lapel pin to prove you love bicycles.
• (There is no American Flag lapel pin, obvs.)
• Free AT&T ringtone card! (We got "Jack U Off.")
• Flier for solar something or other.
• $10 coupon at Macy's, to buy some more hand sanitizer.