Do Not Tell Anyone About The Secret Rocket Launch!
The U.S. military has launched a Secret Space Rocket that is going to send Muppet alien Eliot Spitzer back to his maiden planet, and when it lands he will hit a trigger in the hatch that he thinks will let him out but in fact it will explode, as per the wishes of Joe Bruno. Nobody except the Associated Press and the whole world is allowed to know about it, because it is secret!
But for serious, what might this amazing Rocket of Doom hold clutched in its bowels? "A classified satellite," say shadowy sources. The rocket should have launched two weeks ago, but it was delayed on account of another secret spy satellite getting blown up and spreading top-secret Space Debris in what officials are calling "the atmosphere."