Donald Trump Certain Joe Biden’s Gonna Lance Armstrong His Way To Debate Victory


Donald Trump and Joe Biden face off in their first presidential debate on Tuesday. Despite having bested the combined mental might of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, Trump is running scared. His campaign has started to admit that Biden is a solid debater, who pantsed Paul Ryan on live TV. Trump himself has gone so far as to accuse the the former vice president of doping, which is a serious issue in competitive debating.

President Slander McLibelson has no evidence for his baseless juicing charges. Biden's last debate was with Bernie Sanders in March. Prior to that, his debate performances were fine. He held his own against Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, and Kamala Harris, all of whom are better debaters than Trump because they each possess a human brain.

It's unclear what Trump means by an “uneven performance," unless he's also comparing Biden's shakier earlier debates with his most recent roof-raising town hall. It's most likely that Biden was just rusty early on and has gotten better with more consistent practice, as opposed to Trump whose mind has rotted like that Halloween pumpkin you forgot about and left on your porch until after New Year's.

Biden is also better suited for this specific moment than he arguably was before the world ended. More than 200,000 Americans have died, partly because of Trump's malicious stupidity, and the economy's in the crapper. Biden's poll numbers rise whenever he expresses basic human empathy. Trump is incapable of caring about anyone, and his master showman bravado falls flat outside of a a controlled setting — a rally filled with COVID-denying idiots.

Trump reportedly is planning to attack Biden personally and go after his son, Hunter, who isn't running for anything. This tactic will also fail because it has nothing to do with the coronavirus or rising unemployment. But Democrats wouldn't be Democrats if they weren't peeing their pants over how Biden might respond to Trump's “venomous barrage."

"When you go at his family, he becomes hotter than hell, which is part of the thing I worry about," said John Morgan, a Florida trial lawyer and major Biden donor. "I think what Biden has to be careful about is not letting his Irish temper blow when that happens."

What's more likely to happen is that Trump will blow his stack when called to account for his four-year failure marathon. Biden reading Trump for filth is what the president deserves and America needs right now.

So, Trump is already waving a white flag and proactively defending his anticipated ass-kicking with this absurd drug test challenge, which we all know Trump won't publicly subject himself to. After all, this is how Trump speaks in front of people.

Comedian Noel Casler, who worked on "The Celebrity Apprentice" — you know, the thing Trump did literally before he was president —has claimed his former boss is a speed freak, who used to snort Adderall on set.

CASLER: He crushes up his Adderall and he sniffs it, 'cause he can't read, so he gets really nervous when he has to read cue cards. I'm not kidding. This is true. [...] I'm telling you everything I know. So he gets nervous and he crushes up these pills, and that's why he's sniffing when you see him in debates and when you see him reading. It's why he's tweeting, you know, it's like he's out of his mind.

Tom Arnold was also on "The Celebrity Apprentice" (they were very generous with that definition) and backed up Casler's claims. In his recent personal appearances, Donald Trump Jr. has played the role of every coked-out Wall Street douchebag from a 1980s movie.

If we were Biden, we'd call Trump's bluff and show up with an assortment of drug tests, maybe a few cognitive ones for good measure. We know Trump would bail because he's probably scared of needles. He's a big wimp that way.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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