In the wee hours of Saturday morning, Donald Trump apologized for his entire existence and everything about himself. "I said it, I was wrong, and I apologize," he said, in a VERY ANGRY taped statement that was marginally better (ha ha no it wasn't) than his earlier one where he apologized IF anyone was offended that he was caught bragging about women, and how when you're famous you can do anything, like "grab them by the pussy."


But is he a changed man, America? Yes. YOU'VE changed him. "I've been to America," he seemed to say, "but I've never been to me."

"I've never said I'm a perfect person, nor pretended to be someone that I'm not. I've said and done things I regret, and the words released today on this more than a decade-old video are one of them. Anyone who knows me knows these words don't reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong and I apologize.

I have traveled the country talking about change for America, but my travels have also changed me. I've spent time with grieving mothers who've lost their children, laid-off workers whose jobs have gone to other countries, and people from all walks of life who just want a better future. I have gotten to know the great people of our country and I've been humbled by the faith they've placed in me. I pledge to be a better man tomorrow, and will never, ever let you down.

Let's be honest, we're living in the real world. This is nothing more than a distraction from the important issues we're facing today.

We are losing our jobs, we are less safe than we were eight years ago and Washington is totally broken. Hillary Clinton and her kind have run our country into the ground. I've said some foolish things, but there's a big difference between the words and actions of other people. Bill Clinton has actually abused women, and Hillary has bullied, attacked, shamed and intimidated his victims. We will discuss this more in the coming days. See you at the debate on Sunday."

A few things.

  • Donald Trump just can't help walking up to strange women and kissing them with his gross tongue. We've certainly had strangers walk up and kiss us, and while we didn't particularly take offense, we did slap the glasses off Andy Dick. (We were just drawing a boundary, with our palm and his face.) But we cannot think of a single man -- up to and including your Brad Pitts and your Justin Trudeaus -- who wouldn't get an elbow straight to his jaw, followed by three to six very fast and angry rights and some VERY SHRILL SHRIEKING, if he walked up and stuck his hand on our person in such a manner. It is sexual assault, full stop. It's not boys being boys. It's not "lewd talk." It's bragging about assaulting a woman, and thinking it's funny and alpha and somehow charming. It is not those things.
  • Donald Trump has been accused of violent rape by his ex-wife Ivana (under oath) and by a girl who was 13 at the time of the alleged attacks. In "the real world," we always believed the first, and the second is seeming a lot more likely by the day. Just saying.
  • A month or two ago, we tried to explore what it would mean if Bill Clinton is actually guilty of raping Juanita Broaddrick. (We said that while we couldn't know, she comes across as believable, and we think we believe her.) Could you still vote for his wife? Did it mean you have to hate him? Is he now an Unforgivable? We made some people extremely angry by musing that if Clinton (presuming he was guilty) had been so truly ashamed by his actions that it led him to actually change his ways, he could even, going forward, be a good feminist. (Angry people seemed to miss that this was all extremely conditional, and we weren't in fact vouching for his shame, his regret or his changed ways.) Regardless: Donald Trump is what a man looks like when he hasn't tried to change, because he's certain there was nothing wrong with what he was doing in the first place, he's great and terrific, and why is Hillary Clinton grabbing those women's pussies???
  • Trump was bragging to impress Billy Bush, of Access Hollywood. Let that sink in.
  • According to the Daily Beast, the married woman he complained wouldn't "fuck" him even though he really tried hard, so is that even allowed?, was Nancy O'Dell, host of Access Hollywood and his Miss USA pageants. After she didn't "fuck" him, he tried to get her fired. While she was pregnant. Either of those is a very illegal reason to fire someone. Has Trump, champion of women, best guy who hires so many women, never had an HR seminar on DON'T DO THAT?

Those are our thoughts, until all our other thoughts, which will be coming shortly. Fucking Trump making us work every weekend.

READ MORE: Trump Debuts New Campaign Slogan: 'Grab Them By the Pussy'

Let's Try Talking About Juanita Broaddrick, Again

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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