For the second time in a week, Donald Trump's hosts had to apologize for crazy shit that he said on their podium. On Thursday, the chief of the Boy Scouts of America agreed that maybe, perhaps the President ought not to regale young boys with tales of yacht orgies and lead them in booing his political opponents. Ya think?

And on Friday, police chiefs across the country were forced to clarify that they did not endorse beating prisoners up in squad cars, unlike the President.


Against a backdrop of uniformed officers from the Suffolk County Police Department, Trump warmed up the crowd with stories of "animals" from Latino gangs turning the once-peaceful parks of Long Island into "bloodstained killing fields." Then he got to his A-material.

And when you see these towns and when you see these thugs being thrown into the back of a paddy wagon — you just see them thrown in, rough — I said, please don’t be too nice. Like when you guys put somebody in the car and you’re protecting their head, you know, the way you put their hand over? Like, don’t hit their head and they’ve just killed somebody — don’t hit their head. I said, you can take the hand away, okay?

And the cops laughed! Because, har-dee-har, beating up suspects is hilarious.

The Suffolk County police immediately tweeted that they would never, not ever beat a suspect. Well, not anymore. Sure their previous chief of police is in jail for beating a shackled prisoner half to death in an interrogation room at the station. But since then, everything's been above board.

Other police departments who have been experimenting with the novel strategy of working with communities, rather than terrorizing them into submission, were quick to distance themselves from the president's comments.

Houston Police Chief

But Dead Breitbart's Home for Pitchfork-Wielding Manbabies just can't stop giggling! Donald Trump's Comedy Special made them wet their diapers laughing on Thursday - that joke about the Mexican gang members slicing up white girls just slays. And Friday they had to buy another case of Pull-Ups watching snowflake "Leftists" freak out because they can't do humor. Wonkers, we all just need to chill out and learn to take a joke!

I'll start:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Racist fuckwit trolls.

Racist fuckwit trolls who?

Racist fuckwit trolls who have no understanding of civil rights or regard for basic human dignity.

See? It's easy if you just lighten up a little!

Once place where we are not laughing is Baltimore. Because police brutality is NOT FUCKING FUNNY. And because we lived through a riot two years ago after the police killed Freddy Gray by beating the shit out of him and throwing him in the back of the paddy wagon for one of their notorious "rough rides."

In Baltimore, we don't get an erection thinking about banging people's heads into the hard metal side of a police car. As Donald Trump himself pointed out, "there are very few Republicans in Baltimore." NOT A COINCIDENCE. There's just something about living in a city where being poor and black means the cops can harass you with impunity that makes it hard to pretend that people deserve what they get.

Trump went on to promise to reform a system which turns cops into victims.

And I have to tell you, you know, the laws are so horrendously stacked against us, because for years and years they’ve been made to protect the criminal. Totally made to protect the criminal, not the officers. If you do something wrong, you’re in more jeopardy than they are. These laws are stacked against you. We’re changing those laws.

Which is news to us in Baltimore, where all six of the cops who participated in killing Freddy Gray were acquitted. But perhaps there is a nationwide plague of cops being jailed for not protecting suspect's heads as they gently help them into the back of the cruiser.

Spoiler Alert: There is not.

Back in Long Island, Trump wowed the crowd with more braindead argle-bargle.

But in the meantime, we need judges for the simplest thing — things that you should be able to do without a judge. But we have to have those judges quickly. In the meantime, we’re trying to change the laws.


The entire brownshirt rally was a gonzo, immigrant bashing horror show. You can read the whole transcript here. Or watch the video of the whole thing here. We'd personally rather jam an icepick into our eyeballs, but hey, it takes all kinds.

We will instead enjoy the hilarious responses to this Twitter post where the NYPD brags about keeping the community safe from "gang members" carrying $100 and 3 ounces of pot.

Later, Wonkers!


Only for you would we watch video of that demented loon on a Saturday! Show us some love!

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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