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What he does when he's lonely.


Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The "president" is up to important business again, and it is watching "Fox & Friends." He's also still apparently participating in the 2016 election, which, by our calculations, ended in 2016.

Nope. Doesn't matter how many times he says that's "the real story," it's still not The Real Story. But we're glad to hear the president still has a network that licks his butt the way he likes, because we doubt Melania's willing to do it. (This is the story he's talking about from Fox. It is a bullshit story, as you'd imagine.)

Oh gosh, we just don't know. Maybe we should hold President Hillary Clinton, who won three million more votes than Donald Trump, to account about this. We also ought to find out if Hillary Clinton had something to do with changing the GOP platform on Russia, because Hillary is definitely what we should be concerned with right now.

We are Just Asking if Donald Trump should be on some sort of medication to control his Twitter urges, and also we are curious who is presidenting the country while Trump is busy dry-drunk-tweeting morning "news" programs.

Oh for Christ's sake. Until the moment indictments finally happen, this is what we are going to be dealing with. President Shit-Fer-Brains will never stop talking about the surveillance fantasy he has about himself, the one he made up because he was watching dramatic fictional television masquerading as news. It's worth noting, by the way, that actual Trump-supporting human beings with actual sexual relationships with their own sisters are retweeting and liking these tweets, because they think he is telling them the real truth. He is further dividing normal humans from the people who voted for him, because authoritarians need people who love them like a daddy.

But all the preceding tweets were just from THIS MORNING. Trump, of course, "worked very hard" this weekend, which means he tweeted. Surprise, his weekend shit is basically the same as his Monday shit.

That tweet, from Sunday morning, is weak and pathetic and sad and "YOU'RE FIRED!" and also it probably hasn't achieved a natural human erection since the Studio 54 days.

Let's see what else President Cum Sock tweeted Sunday morning:

All righty, well we imagine Trump will do "The Art Of The Deal" on that as soon as he stumbles downstairs to his office, just like he did several weeks ago, on the same issue.

Did Trump tweet on Saturday morning? Oh gosh, of course he did. Saturday is the day when Ivanka and Jared are all "SHHHHH BE QUIET WE ARE JEWISHING RIGHT NOW," which means it is a very fun Twitter day for the president of America.

Awesome. The president just said Chuck Todd has bedroom eyes. This is really the world we live in, because God has clearly abandoned us.

Anyway, we're sure a bunch more shoes will drop in the Trump Russia story this week, even though it's a completely fake story and THE REAL STORY is that Obama secretly recorded Crown Prince Pussgrab through his microwave, ayup, you bet, so you can be sure yr Wonkette will tell you all the fun new Trump Russia stories when they come out!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Let the quitfiring begin! Donald Trump's own internal polls are shit, so obviously it's time to fire the pollsters. Last week, the New York Times reported that Trump is freaking out and using his ancient, unsecured cellphone to make late night booty calls to his old pals for a little rub and tug to his ego. Russia, if you're listening ... and we know you are.

The Ego in Chief is flipping his shit because his own pollster Tony Fabrizio -- of Paul Manafort kickback and internal polling shared with Russians fame -- showed Trump trailing Biden badly this March in 11 swing states, with close races in six others. Trump's campaign manager Brad "Pube Beard" Parscale has been bragging about expanding his campaign into New Mexico, New Hampshire, and Nevada, at the same time his internal polls show them losing Pennsylvania by 16, Wisconsin by 11, Minnesota by 14, Michigan by 13, North Carolina by 8, Virginia by 17, and Ohio by 1. Fabrizio even showed him losing Georgia by 6!

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