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thinkin bout titties


Ew. Ew. Ew! Why do we warm up food and then look at Twitter? So, that new "Daily Show" host Trevor Noah decided to do a happy nice time segment about how the one position Donald J. Trump has never flip-flopped on is that women are gross pig sex objects. And ooh, Trevor The Squirrel found a NUT, and proceeded to eat that nut in front of his entire live studio audience. In a 1994 episode of "Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous," Trump and his then wife Marla Maples were talking about their AWWW SQUEEE SO CUTE one-year-old daughter Tiffany, and the following exchange ensued:

ROBIN LEACH: Donald, what does Tiffany have of yours, and what does Tiffany have of Marla's?

TRUMP: Well, I think that she's got a lot of Marla. She's a beautiful baby, and she's got, um, she's got Marla's legs ...

Got it, the baby has hot legs. Other girl babies with dumb chubby legs are not terrific.

TRUMP: We don't know whether she's got this part [TRUMP CUPS HIS HAND AROUND HIS MAN BOOBY AREA IN THE UNIVERSAL SYMBOL FOR TITS] yet, but time will tell ...

Every daddy in America, when he has a little girl, listens to that "Butterfly Kisses" song all day long, and prays to Jesus that his baby daughter will grow up to have a nice rack, WAIT NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS. EW!

Like ... can we even continue writing this post? Or do you need to all go and bleach your brains and, if you are ladies, thank your lucky Jesus stars that your dad never talked about your future HOT-ASS TITTIES to Robin Leach. Or to the mailman. Or to anyone.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/593764/donald-trump-is-your-new-ronald-reagan-but-dumber-and-less-classy"></a>[/wonkbar]We must, however, send warm wishes to the other Trump daughter, Ivanka. Up to this point, we were only aware that The Donald harbored OMG YUCK SO GROSS sex thoughts about her, and we'd hate to think she's suffering this morning, or maybe crying on the phone to Tiffany Trump about "SNIFFLE SNIFFLE I was raised to believe dad thought I was the most fuckable Trump daughter SOB CRY BOO HOO!" (She is probably not doing that, but just in case, Wonkette sends a hug.)

Ready for more Trump Tit Thoughts? Of course you are! Because guess who has WAY WORSER TITS than Ivanka and Tiffany Trump? It is Carla Bruni, former first lady of France, who may or may not have dated Trump as his tiny Trump Erection was halfway out the door of his marriage to Maples.

Bruni vehemently denied the affair way back in 1991, and in 2008, Trump wouldn't confirm or deny whether he bumped uglies with her back in the day, but told Howard Stern this:

“Very flat-chested women, not your kind of women, Howard,” Trump said the second Stern mentioned her name, saying reports she broke up his affair with future wife Marla Maples were “not true.” [...]

“There are better by large margins,” continued Trump, when asked if she was beautiful.

“You stop when you meet someone better,” he added Stern when asked why he would ever stop “banging” Bruni.

If you're keeping score at home:

  • Ivanka Trump: BONERS TO ELEVENTY INFINITY.
  • Tiffany Trump: Wow he sure did hope she would be stupendously fuckable but she was a baby so her tits were not yoooge yet.
  • Carla Bruni: Bad hooters, no boners.
  • Megyn Kelly: Wherever-bleeding harpy-hole, not gonna Make Trump's Down Theres Great Again.
  • Melania Trump: Way hotter than Ted Cruz's fugly wife.
  • Heidi Cruz: Way fuglier than Donald Trump's smokin' hot wife.
  • Rosie O'Donnell: Unattractive fat slob who "talks like a truck driver."
  • Carly Fiorina: TERRIBLE face, who would even vote for that ugly face? Wait, he meant to say her "persona" was terrible and bad.
  • All other women and little girls and tiny lady babies in world: TBD.

This man is the front-runner for the Republican nomination, y'all.

[Salon / Buzzfeed]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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