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thinkin bout titties


Ew. Ew. Ew! Why do we warm up food and then look at Twitter? So, that new "Daily Show" host Trevor Noah decided to do a happy nice time segment about how the one position Donald J. Trump has never flip-flopped on is that women are gross pig sex objects. And ooh, Trevor The Squirrel found a NUT, and proceeded to eat that nut in front of his entire live studio audience. In a 1994 episode of "Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous," Trump and his then wife Marla Maples were talking about their AWWW SQUEEE SO CUTE one-year-old daughter Tiffany, and the following exchange ensued:

ROBIN LEACH: Donald, what does Tiffany have of yours, and what does Tiffany have of Marla's?

TRUMP: Well, I think that she's got a lot of Marla. She's a beautiful baby, and she's got, um, she's got Marla's legs ...

Got it, the baby has hot legs. Other girl babies with dumb chubby legs are not terrific.

TRUMP: We don't know whether she's got this part [TRUMP CUPS HIS HAND AROUND HIS MAN BOOBY AREA IN THE UNIVERSAL SYMBOL FOR TITS] yet, but time will tell ...

Every daddy in America, when he has a little girl, listens to that "Butterfly Kisses" song all day long, and prays to Jesus that his baby daughter will grow up to have a nice rack, WAIT NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS. EW!

Like ... can we even continue writing this post? Or do you need to all go and bleach your brains and, if you are ladies, thank your lucky Jesus stars that your dad never talked about your future HOT-ASS TITTIES to Robin Leach. Or to the mailman. Or to anyone.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/593764/donald-trump-is-your-new-ronald-reagan-but-dumber-and-less-classy"></a>[/wonkbar]We must, however, send warm wishes to the other Trump daughter, Ivanka. Up to this point, we were only aware that The Donald harbored OMG YUCK SO GROSS sex thoughts about her, and we'd hate to think she's suffering this morning, or maybe crying on the phone to Tiffany Trump about "SNIFFLE SNIFFLE I was raised to believe dad thought I was the most fuckable Trump daughter SOB CRY BOO HOO!" (She is probably not doing that, but just in case, Wonkette sends a hug.)

Ready for more Trump Tit Thoughts? Of course you are! Because guess who has WAY WORSER TITS than Ivanka and Tiffany Trump? It is Carla Bruni, former first lady of France, who may or may not have dated Trump as his tiny Trump Erection was halfway out the door of his marriage to Maples.

Bruni vehemently denied the affair way back in 1991, and in 2008, Trump wouldn't confirm or deny whether he bumped uglies with her back in the day, but told Howard Stern this:

“Very flat-chested women, not your kind of women, Howard,” Trump said the second Stern mentioned her name, saying reports she broke up his affair with future wife Marla Maples were “not true.” [...]

“There are better by large margins,” continued Trump, when asked if she was beautiful.

“You stop when you meet someone better,” he added Stern when asked why he would ever stop “banging” Bruni.

If you're keeping score at home:

  • Ivanka Trump: BONERS TO ELEVENTY INFINITY.
  • Tiffany Trump: Wow he sure did hope she would be stupendously fuckable but she was a baby so her tits were not yoooge yet.
  • Carla Bruni: Bad hooters, no boners.
  • Megyn Kelly: Wherever-bleeding harpy-hole, not gonna Make Trump's Down Theres Great Again.
  • Melania Trump: Way hotter than Ted Cruz's fugly wife.
  • Heidi Cruz: Way fuglier than Donald Trump's smokin' hot wife.
  • Rosie O'Donnell: Unattractive fat slob who "talks like a truck driver."
  • Carly Fiorina: TERRIBLE face, who would even vote for that ugly face? Wait, he meant to say her "persona" was terrible and bad.
  • All other women and little girls and tiny lady babies in world: TBD.

This man is the front-runner for the Republican nomination, y'all.

[Salon / Buzzfeed]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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