Donald Trump Heads To Iowa, Locals Not Fap-fapping To Dreams Of President The Hair

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Self-made son of a millionaire Donald Trump -- who isonly slightly more popular than Congress, which is significantly less popular than head lice -- is not finished humiliating himself just yet. True to form, the man whose personal motto is More! Bigger! Tackier! Argle Bargle! is taking his totes real hair to Iowa to pretend that he will maybe run for president this time, since he will not have to run against Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate:


Two-time-almost-but-not-quite presidential candidate Donald Trump will make his very first trip to Iowa in August to speak to religious conservative activists sizing up a lineup of possible 2016 candidates. [...]

After flirting with a White House bid in both 2000 and 2011, Trump decided against running. Three days after pulling the plug in 2011, he jilted Iowa Republicans who had purchased tickets to hear him speak at the state party’s spring fundraising dinner.

'Course, if Trump couldn't even face his own party, we don't know how he will face the terrorists and make the U.S./Europe border less secure, like O'Bummer refuses to do because he hates whitey. Maybe he will private investigator them to death?

Sadly for Trump, even Iowa Republicans -- you know, those stark-raving morons who gave their straw poll blue ribbon to Michele Bachmann -- cannot seem to find two shits to give:

Iowa Republicans have said it would be hard to take serious a potential presidential bid by Trump, a fixture in popular culture as a reality TV show host, GOP commentator and billionaire business giant.

Whatevs, Iowa. It's not like anyone listens to you during presidential election cycles anyway. Certainly not Trump; that's why he's spent "more than $1 million to research his political standing in each state." Of course, we here at Wonkette will happily tell him his political standing -- it is about eleventy million miles outside of Bumfuck, Nowhere. You're welcome, Donald. That will be $1 million, please.

Still, we are happy to see that Donald is embracing his inner honeybadger: He don't give a fuck if the entire Republican Party tells him to sit down and shut up already. He will waste his millions any damn way he pleases. And we certainly encourage him to do that, and lots of it, so good on The Donald for taking his crazy to Iowa, whether Iowa wants it or not.

No word yet on whether he plans to take his caviar-slathered 7-year-old spawn Barron -- yes, that is his actual for-reals-not-even-kidding-you name -- with him.

[Des Moines Register via TPM]

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