Trump Surrogate: Mexico Border Wall Actually Just Donald Trump's Imaginary Friend
Ever since presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump first announced his intentions to build a GIANT WALL along the border of Mexico, to keep all the Mexicans out, that Mexico will pay for, as well as his intentions to deport like, eleventy billion people the very day he assumes office, SOME people have said that he was a liar and a crazy person. Like the President of Mexico who was all like "No, we're not paying for your stupid wall, dude who very much reminds me of Hitler!"
However, it turns out that perhaps we were looking at this ALL WRONG. According to Rep. Chris Collins of Buffalo, New York, who was the first member of Congress to endorse Trump, the wall will only exist INSIDE TRUMP'S MIND. Also, the 12,000 people he deports on his first day in office will all be "rhetorical" people. By which we assume he means imaginary friends.
Via Buffalo News:
“I have called it a virtual wall,” Rep. Chris Collins said in an interview with The Buffalo News.
“Maybe we will be building a wall over some aspects of it; I don’t know,” the Clarence Republican said of Trump’s proposed barrier to keep illegal immigrants and drugs from crossing the southern border.
Collins, who has become one of the presumptive GOP nominee’s main media surrogates, also cast doubts on another central Trump campaign promise: the candidate’s vow to deport the nation’s 12 million undocumented immigrants.
“I call it a rhetorical deportation of 12 million people,” Collins said.
He then gestured toward a door in his Capitol Hill office.
“They go out that door, they go in that room, they get their work papers, Social Security number, then they come in that door, and they’ve got legal work status but are not citizens of the United States,” Collins said. “So there was a virtual deportation as they left that door for processing and came in this door.”
Collins added: “We’re not going to put them on a bus, and we’re not going to drive them across the border.”
OHHHHHH. So like, instead of deporting 12 million people, he's just going to make it legal for them to be here? That ... does not seem at all like what Trump was going for when he said he was going to create a massive "deportation force" tasked specifically with getting those 12 million people out of the country.
When pressed, Collins said that Trump would probably disagree with his interpretation of this, and that said interpretation existed only in his mind. And that he, Chris Collins, is actually a dead person who only exists inside Bruce Willis's mind, while Trump's entire campaign is really just a weird dream Bob Newhart had one time, and also the entire country of "America" exists only in a snowglobe owned by one Tommy Westphall.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse