Have you voted for the guy on the left? You are now free to go to the guy on the right!

Hoo boy, sounds like that Donald Trump rally in Henderson, Nevada, was SUPER fun. He threatened to sue Hillary Clinton for releasing mean ads consisting mostly of video of his appleheaded vagina mouth yapping, because that's obviously libel. And he also had a message for any out there who are suffering with some kind of terminal illness, people who may be headed to hospice after struggling for years and can't fight any more, who might have decided it's time to go. He would like you to reschedule your death, please, so that you may hobble your way to the polls and vote for him.



I don't care how sick you are. I don't care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it's over. You won't be around in two weeks. Doesn't matter. Hang out until November 8, get out and vote. And then all we're going to say is we love you and we will remember you always.

That's right. You tell that cancer you're Making America Great Again. And then it's PROBABLY cool if you die on November 9. Sayonara and stuff!

However, before you pencil in "Heading off to meet the Lord" on your calendar for November 9, Trump needs you to consider whether or not you live in a swing state. See, if Trump loses any of those states by close margins, he's probably going to stomp his feet and whine about how it was #rigged against him, and he might tie the election up in the courts, so if there's any chance Hillary might take your state by surprise -- like if you live in Arizona or Georgia or something -- he's going to need you to reschedule again, in case you need to prove you voted or something. How about the day after Inauguration Day?

NOTE: This only applies to old Trump-supporting white people. If you are a Muslim or a black person or a woman or a gay or a refugee or a veteran with PTSD or a disabled reporter or an Asian or a Mexican (even the kind Trump assumes might be good people) or a former employee at one of Trump's golf clubs or a "graduate" of Trump University or Alicia Machado or a Gold Star family or Rosie O'Donnell or a member of ANY OTHER KIND OF GROUP Trump has either insulted, or among whom he is polling poorly, we imagine you are free to die whenever you want, preferably before the election if you can get around to it.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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