You gave him a boo-boo, Iowa, ON HIS FEELINGS.


[contextly_sidebar id="Mx2yqWxpVOUyB78otJV3KDcDN1zKOujl"]Well we knew Donald Trump's relative nice-nice over coming in second place (WHICH IS FIRST LOSER) in Iowa wouldn't last long. He hasn't completely unleashed the yooge dragons of his fury, but his hands have stopped shaking long enough for him to open up the Tweeter, and wouldn't you know it, he has opinions.

He starts slow, like maybe he's still under sedation and his tweets are being managed by an intern:

See? He had a nice time. The cows were just lovely. Some of them rapists and murders, obviously, but otherwise just friendly cows. But then something stirs, and Trump's appleheaded vagina mouth peeks open, and a tiny grievance starts to escape:

See? He woulda beat all the foreigners if he had spent any money, but he didn't, so ...

[contextly_sidebar id="KF6AGWiceL9CE3Rgb0IyjIGGKaweskPH"]UH OH, the media is being stupid again! Is Megyn Kelly up there doing menstrual bloodsport to the real story of how Donald Trump -- who has been ahead in most national polls for eleventy months now -- was a "longshot" who shocked the nation by winning second place? These Trump supporters crying "VOTER FRAUD!" sure seem surprised their fair-haired boy hasn't already been crowned King Of Iowa, but maybe there really IS an untold story of how Donald J. Trump, Boy Wonder, came from out of nowhere to win second.

Well, don't worry, everything's going to be terrific in New Hampshire, and Trump will talk about how nice Iowa was and how not nice the media is, and there will be millions of people, and Trump will be back on top where he belongs:

But then, UH OH! At the end of the tweetstorm, we're going to have to guess his intern went off to the Little Trump's Room to make a dump, because the REAL Donald Trump decided to do a tweet:

THERE IT IS, IOWA! You are stupid and you didn't pay attention to how Donald Trump is using HIS OWN ALLOWANCE to pay for this nice campaign, and now you let that Canadian brown Cuban Ted Cruz win everything, and you know what? Trump will keep running for president, to Make America Great Again, but the truth is YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT.

[contextly_sidebar id="ZoXy2ykT3dN4LalOKHsIWw59y5WoHC0Z"]And after all he did for you! He sticked it to the lamestream Fox News by skipping the last Republican debate, he did a sexytime event for veterans at the same time, he flew Alaskan Snow Grump Sarah Palin in and made her work the pole for you, HE EVEN THREATENED TO DO MURDER FOR YOU, and this is how you thank him?

[contextly_sidebar id="ThcpV3orY7yhqjUs841OI7CrnTal0wlY"]But whatever. Donald J. Trump is going to take his hot daughter to New Hampshire now, where the people appreciate him! And as for you, Iowa? Well, don't be surprised if he builds a beautiful, gold-plated wall around your dumb state, or maybe just divorces you like a common first or second wife.

[h/t Talking Points Memo]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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