I can has nuclear launch codes now?

So here's a fun fact: Once Donald Trump is officially declared the Republican nominee for president at July's Republican National Convention, he'll start getting classified intelligence briefings from the CIA. When Chris Hayes mentioned that little detail of the campaign process, he added, "Just let that sink in for a moment." Yeah, sorry, we should have warned you to have an emergency defibrillator nearby.

Or as Rachel Maddow put it Wednesday:

Yesterday he was accusing Ted Cruz’s dad of being in on the JFK assassination. Now, he’s about to start getting classified CIA briefings as the Republican Party’s nominee for president.

What could possibly go wrong? After all, if the voters have decided he's ready to be president, then obviously he's ready to get all the information a well-informed presidential candidate will need to be able to make good decisions. Heaven knows, Trump has already proven his ability to read generalizations about foreign policy from a teleprompter, so he should be just fine. Plus, he might learn how to pronounce some countries' names. Besides, as a Very Rich Billionaire, he knows how to handle sensitive information -- there's probably all sorts of important Big Billionaire Secrets that he's been privy to when he was making all those yooge deals which only ended in a few corporate bankruptcies.

Oh, sure, there are some naysayers who worry there might be something a little questionable about giving national security information to a man given to blurting out whatever stray thoughts come into his weirdly coifed head. Josh Marshall from Talking Points Memo tweeted an amusing fact about Trump's new campaign guru, Paul Manafort:

Honestly, no one needs to worry about that. Just because Manafort has repped a few dictators and oligarchs shouldn't bother anyone. Stop being so paranoid. And you certainly shouldn't lose any sleep over this purely hypothetical question from MaddowBlog editor Steve Benen:

What would Trump do, for example, if the CIA told him that his anti-Muslim rhetoric was creating a national security threat?

Duh, he'd get tougher on Muslims, and we'd win bigly. We don't win anymore, and part of the reason is that we don't act on our secret information to wipe out ISIS and take their oil. Then, once he's elected, Trump can find out who the rats in the CIA were who said those nasty things about him and get them fired. Or at least unleash the IRS on them. Also, if he does become president, he'll be at the top of the intelligence food chain, and can make decisions about what's classified or not. And as The Guardian cheerfully reminds us, "Trump could, theoretically, pardon himself for any legal action taken if he actually wins."

Then of course there are the exciting prospects for Trump interviews and debates -- even if he manages not to blurt out secrets from his briefings, he already has a habit of telling crowds insane shit that simply isn't true, assuring them it's from Top Sources. Once he actually has access to genuine secrets, we won't know whether his "informed sources" are Alex Jones or the spooks from Fairfax. Not that Trumpers worry too much about sources anyway. Since everyone already assumes he's full of shit, our enemies will never know whether he's spouting nonsense or real secrets -- it's a brilliant variation on Nixon's "Madman Theory" strategy. And if he accidentally does reveal something classified, Trump can always scream at Hillary Clinton for endangering America with her private email server.

Ultimately, there's probably nothing to worry about. If you need proof Donald Trump can keep a secret, just look at the history of his scammy real estate seminars, "Trump University." The promotional materials for those seminars promised that if you signed up for the advanced classes, you'd learn all of Donald Trump's secrets to getting rich, and now he's getting sued for delivering no secrets at all. This is clearly a man who can keep things under his hat, which is a beautiful red hat with "Make America Great Again" printed on it.

[Guardian / MaddowBlog / Slate]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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