Donald Trump Wants The Hispanics To Vote For Him, Even The Ones Who Look Norwegian
Photo via Scott Dworkin on Instagram

Donald Trump traveled to New Mexico Monday night to do a campaign rally in the Albuquerque suburb of Rio Rancho, in hopes of maybe flipping the state where he lost by eight points in 2016. In among the usual stew of lies, Trump offered his own unique pitch to the Latinx voters of the Land of Enchantment: He just LOVES the Hispanics, and they love him! Even the ones who look like white people, such as CNN commentator Steve Cortes, a member of the Trump campaign's Hispanic Advisory Council.

"He happens to be Hispanic, but I never quite figured it out because he looks more like a WASP than I do," Trump said, which is a true statement because Donald Trump looks more like a mutant Oompa Loompa than a WASP.

Then, to top that, Trump asked Cortes if his ethnicity ever got in the way of his Americanism, because "America" and "The Hispanics" are wholly exclusive categories. Then Trump made his own very funny joke!

From the stage, he asked Cortes: "Who do you like more, the country or Hispanics?" Cortes appeared to mouth "country," to which Trump replied: "I don't know. I may have to go for the Hispanics, to be honest with you. We got a lot of Hispanics."

It is OK, Mr. President, we know you would never sell out America for the Hispanics! You are such a kidder! You would only do that for the Russians!

Trump also insisted that The Hispanics will surely love WALL, because The Hispanics, having brought in all the drugs, are especially aware how bad the drugs are, and now they say "¡Yo quiero NO TO DRUGS!"

And at the center of America's drug crisis, this is where the Hispanics know it better than anybody, people said, "Oh, the Hispanics won't like a wall." I said, "I think they are going to love it." You know why? Because you understand it better than other people, but at the whole center of this crisis is the drugs that are pouring in, and you understand that when other people don't understand it.

Especially with how they drive around the vans made of marijuana! Donald Trump saw a documentary about that, but he didn't care for the scruffy-looking men in it. Maybe they should be deported.

NBC News noted that Trump was mystified by his 2016 loss in New Mexico.

"How do I lose New Mexico? Explain that one," Trump asked the crowd, as he touted his support from Hispanics.

Trump's disapproval rating among Hispanics stood at 79 percent in a Pew Research Center poll last month.

In other news, The Great Man declared war on a new threat to America, the criminal gang MS-3, or perhaps M - eh - three.

He also claimed that since California is so uncooperative on immigration, he "priced out" the cost of dismantling every bit of WALL in California and moving it to where good people live, like New Mexico, which sure he did.

Then Trump promised to force Detroit to start building big gas-guzzling cars again because they're safer, and gee our old LaSalle ran great, also, Democrats will only let you own one car and you can't ever travel more than 162 miles from home because they hate you, and you wouldn't want that, would you?

In conclusion, you should definitely vote for Donald Trump if you are one of The Hispanics, because he LOVES the Hispanics, but could you please explain to him about why some of you look like regular people? He worries that may be sort of sneaky of you.

[USA Today / NBC News / Aaron Rupar on Twitter / Photo: Scott Dworkin on Instagram]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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