Donald Trump Borrowed Obama's Time Machine, James Comey Edition
Donald Trump took some time out of his busy schedule of hate-tweeting everyone and sat down for an interview with The Hill. The interview was conducted by fawning wingnut toady John Solomon, formerly of the Washington Moonie Times and currently of Sinclair Broadcasting, so you know it's reliable journamalism that will report only what Trump says without too much pesky fact-checking. The Hill dribbled details from the interview out over several articles, and thank Crom we didn't have to watch the accompanying "TheHillTV" videos, yuck, phooey. The big takeaway: Trump says Trump is the best, he still hates his own Cabinet, and he's a moron who understands nothing, hooray!
For one thing, Trump really can't stand that idiot Jeff Sessions, who is of no use to Trump whatsoever. Trump is SO VERY HEARTBROKED about this: "I don't have an attorney general. It's very sad," the feckless dipshit whined to a sympathetic audience.
Trump wasn't even pleased that Sessions has tried to suck up by implementing immigration policies just short of the Chinese Exclusion Act of the 1920s. Such a disappointment! "I'm not happy at the border, I'm not happy with numerous things, not just this," the orange bag of mostly bile lamented.
Honestly, this is his own fault, really, Trump "reflected," because you know what? Trump is just a big sentimental pushover who thinks people won't disappoint him, yet they always do, they always do:
"I'm so sad over Jeff Sessions because he came to me. He was the first senator that endorsed me. And he wanted to be attorney general, and I didn't see it," he said.
"And then he went through the nominating process and he did very poorly. I mean, he was mixed up and confused, and people that worked with him for, you know, a long time in the Senate were not nice to him, but he was giving very confusing answers. Answers that should have been easily answered.
He is talking about how Sessions accidentally lied to the Senate, when he lied that he had never met with Russian Ambassador Sergei Kislyak while involved in Trump's presidential campaign, and thus had to recuse himself from the Trump-Russia investigation. Would you believe Trump is still mad about Sessions recusing himself on Russia, just because of silly "ethics" rules and "perjury"? If only Trump had mentioned that once or a thousand million times before. Truly, it makes one sigh. Not that Trump is willing to say he plans to fire Sessions, except in the most obvious hard-to-decipher code ever:
"We'll see what happens. A lot of people have asked me to do that. And I guess I study history, and I say I just want to leave things alone, but it was very unfair what he did," he said, referring to the recusal decision.
"And my worst enemies, I mean, people that, you know, are on the other side of me in a lot of ways, including politically, have said that was a very unfair thing he did."
Ah, yes, those numerous unnamed enemies who agree 100 percent with Trump, he knows they are there. He just can't say yet what he'll do, but he'll definitely see how it goes. So very disappointed.
In another Interview driblet, Trump predicted that one day, historians may well see his attempts to derail the Mueller investigation as "one of my crowning achievements that I was able to ... expose something that is truly a cancer in our country," especially if he gets to appoint all the historians, which really is only fair because he will be the victor, duh. Therefore, declassifying a whole bunch of cherry-picked texts from people he decided are his enemies, while an investigation is still underway, isn't "obstruction of justice." Heck no! It's actually the greatest thing he can do, for the American People, who deserve to know they can't trust anyone in the Justice Department:
"What we've done is a great service to the country, really [...] I hope to be able to call this, along with tax cuts and regulation and all the things I've done ... in its own way this might be the most important thing because this was corrupt," he said.
Trump also -- surprise! -- had more thoughts on when he should have fired that interfering jerk James Comey, like maybe BEFORE HE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT, because yes he actually said that:
"If I did one mistake with Comey, I should have fired him before I got here. I should have fired him the day I won the primaries," Trump said. "I should have fired him right after the convention, say I don't want that guy."
In a very rare moment of what we might call with anyone else "self awareness," Trump appeared to revise on the fly, as if it suddenly occurred to him that presidential candidates cannot fire anyone until they take office. It's truly remarkable and will surely be remembered as one of the top achievements of his presidency:
Or at least fired him the first day on the job. ... I would have been better off firing him or putting out a statement that I don't want him there when I get there.
We hope Mr. Solomon handed him a cookie to reward him for that rare achievement in seemingly understanding the complex nature of time. We bet that happened (NO YOU CANNOT MAKE US WATCH THE VIDEO TO CHECK!), because Trump went on to compliment John Solomon's excellent "reporting" on the unfair witch hunt against him.
Finally, in a third uncritical report, Trump promised that he had a major huge announcement to make on immigration, in his favorite imaginary timeframe for pure fantasies, "the next two weeks":
"I'll be doing things over the next two weeks having to do with immigration, which I think you'll be very impressed at," the president said [...]
He declined to say what the impending action might be. Several senior aides told Hill.TV that they didn't know what the president intends to do.
But just like Glenn Beck's frequent intimations of national doom or Jim Bakker's prophecies that an event will happen soon, you just know there'll be a thing, a very major thing, but he can't say what it is. Maybe it involves a wall, maybe not. We'll see! (Nothing. He will announce nothing.)
Trump also explained, like the statesman he is, that literally the only thing Democrats believe in is stopping him from building his wall, but he will build it, because he is good and they are very bad.
The entire Democrat life is to try and make sure we don't have a wall, not because we don't need it, because we do. But because that was a promise that I made, and they want to try to make sure I don't deliver on that promise.
How true this is -- we heard it on "This Democrat Life." Trump also looks forward to Republicans winning a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, because then he can finally do whatever he wants, just as the American People demand. We ALL want babies in cages, don't we?
Finally, because a Trump interview must contain at least one completely new moment of surrealism, Trump offered this beautiful reflection on the True Meaning of September 11, 2018 (oh, and the other one 17 years ago, sure), which is that if you can build a memorial in the shape of a wall, surely you can build a thousand-mile wall on the border, because they are both walls, are they not?
"They built this gorgeous wall where the plane went down in Pennsylvania, Shanksville. And I was there. I made the speech. And it's sort of beautiful, what they did is incredible," he said. "They have a series of walls, I'm saying, it's like perfect. So, so, we are pushing very hard."
So remember, when you think of 9/11, don't waste your time thinking of a nation coming together in tragedy. Instead, think of keeping Mexicans out of our beautiful America with a beautiful wall. Maybe Trump will even sex up the border wall by promising to inscribe the names of Americans murdered by immigrants on it in twenty-foot letters, the entire length of the wall, the end.
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