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You were expecting something different?


Donald J. Trump, of the Donald J. Trump campaign to make Donald J. Trump president of Donald J. Trump's America, is not fond of details. Don't worry about how he's going to Make America Great Again! -- he just will. It says so on his hat! He will do terrific things to America, the best you've ever seen, so great, just beautiful stuff. So consider yourselves blessed, lowly commoners, that Trump has introduced a fresh new tax reform plan, full of terrific details, and you should read it, it's the best thing you will ever read, after the Bible and Trump's bestselling bestseller The Art of the Deal, of course, which is pretty much like the Bible, except there's a good chance Donald Trump has actually read it.

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Because Trump is a TEN BILLIONAIRE! and the world's greatest business man ever, you know his tax plan is full of fresh, original ideas no human persons have ever imagined because they are not Donald Trump. First off, his plan is brilliantly titled TAX REFORM THAT WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, so we're halfway to American greatness already. His plan sets out, and has practically already accomplished, simply by virtue of being typed on a webpage, four simple goals that you won't hear any other presidential candidates jibber-jabbering about: (1) tax relief for middle class Americans; (2) simplify the tax code; (3) grow the American economy; and (4) doesn't add to our debt and deficit. Does that not sound terrific? Of course it does!

So much better than, say, Jeb! Bush's dumb tax plan, to give tax cuts to the richest som'bitches in America, just like how his brother did, only worse, even. (Who knew "Just Like My Brother, Only Worse Even" was going to be Jeb's campaign platform? No one could have predicted.)

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But Donald J. Trump has a real big heart, and he's going to give the best damn income tax cut to America's low-income earners, it will be a 100 PERCENT income tax cut!

They get a new one page form to send the IRS saying, “I win,” those who would otherwise owe income taxes will save an average of nearly $1,000 each.

That sounds amazing! But wait, there’s more! If you are a married couple, earning $51,000 a year (the median household income), you're going to see your tax rate cut about 5 percent. Neat! If you're one of Trump's best buddies, earning $413k a year or more, you're going to see a much bigger cut, of almost 15 percent. That's even neater!

Here, let us show you some pictures of some numbers, for you to see for yourselves just how awesome Trump's tax plan is for people who already have all the money. Here's what all y'all have to scrimp and save to send to the IRS now:

Image via eFile

And here's how much better your life is going to be if you'll just let Donald Trump Make America Great Again!

Awesome deal for some folks, AWESOMEST DEAL EVER for the six-figures-or-more earners out there. You know, the ones who most desperately need tax relief, as they sit at the kitchen table in one of their various homes, maybe their winter home in Florida or their summer-as-a-verb home in the Hamptons, scratching their heads trying to figure out how to send Junior to college and build a library in his name.

What else is Trump gonna do to America great again, that no other Republican except for every single other Republican, wants to do? He's going to eliminate the estate tax because it "punishes families for achieving the American dream." Probably mere oversight that Trump failed to mention the estate tax only "punishes" families whose estates are worth $10 million or more, which, contrary to what you might think from watching Republicans say words about it, is a teeny tiny point zero something percent of American families.

But look. It's not all to the benefit of the toppingest top of America's earners. Trump, man o' the people, is going to take on corporate greed by slashing the corporate tax rate from 35 to 15 percent, just like during St. Ronald Reagan's reign of glory, when he "imposed the largest corporate tax increase in history." Also, Trump's plan promises to cut or eliminate "some corporate loopholes that cater to special interests." Which some loopholes for which special interests? Dunno, guess we'll have to let Donald Trump move into the White House to find out.

So what's the TL;DR Wonksplainer takeaway here? Donald J. Trump's Donald J. Trump Tax Plan will cut everyone's taxes, yes, but the biggest cuts go to corporations and rich people and their obnoxious trust fund babies. And, bonus, it's pretty much UNPOSSIBLE that this tax plan would be "revenue neutral" or reduce our debt, because trickle-down Reaganomics has never worked and will never work, and letting rich people keep their money so it can drip down their legs to the poors beneath their gold-plated bootstraps is not a legitimate economic plan, as was ultimately recognized (but not spoken of much) even by the St. Ronnie Church of Unicorn Farts And Wishful Thinking. But, on the plus side, the Small Government anti-tax conservatives can breathe a sigh of relief, because it turns out Trump is a Real Republican after all.

[Donald Trump campaign site]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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