Dope Smoking Morons to Join Regular Morons at FBI
Has your life of hallucinogenic experimentation led you to decide to persue a career hunting aliens and investigating paranormal activities, like on The X-Files? But are your many drug-related arrests ruining your chances with the FBI? Good news, weirdo -- they've relaxed the standards! You're in!
If you've always dreamed of busting drug-running mobsters but have been held back by your love of the drugs they run, it's your lucky day. The FBI now says you're free to join, as long as you swear you haven't had a snort in ten years (only three for the ganj!).
The FBI has long has one the most stringent drug policies of any law enforcement or intelligence organization, thanks in part to the bold leadership of hippie-bashing J. Edgar Hoover, who's dire warnings of the generation full of the "false courage from a Marijuana cigarette" eventually taking over our public institutions and running them into the ground have proven to be all too true.
But the FBI had to modernize, as they could no longer find anyone at all who didn't smoke weed all the time in college, or at least anyone who could remember if they didn't or not. Or something.
Under the FBI's previous policy, many job applicants who, for example, had experimented with marijuana in college often had difficulty recalling precisely how many times they may have used the drug, according to FBI officials and others. Even the definition of what constituted a single use -- one joint? a whole night of partying? -- was open to debate.
And what about bongs? Pipes? Brownies? Spliffs? Vaporizers? If you're going to bust the makers and distrubtors of each of these cannabinoid delivery systems, you'll want investigators with as much first-hand experience as possible.
Pizzerias surrounding the Hoover building immediately celebrated the news.