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Drunken Burrito-Pants Captain America Jailed In Florida

'The trouble with super heroes is what to do between phone booths.' - Wonkette

Hey everybody, Captain America wasn't shot dead after all! He's totally alive, and also in jail for drunkenly fondling some gal at a bar in Florida.


Watch America's corpse get defiled again, after the jump.

It was just six weeks ago when the tragic news swept over the nation: Beloved Nazi/Jap fighter Captain America had been shot dead (or suicided) outside a courthouse right before he was supposed to be shipped to a Syrian prison and tortured to death by the CIA on Alberto Gonzales' orders which he doesn't recall.

But was it really true? There was a glimmer of hope this morning as rumors spread about the Captain's fate: He was alive, in Florida ... in jail.

Shoulda stayed dead. - WonketteWhat did he do? According to the New York Post (the best comic-universe newspaper ever), Cap and several friends -- alleged enemy Iron Man, the Sub-Mariner, Thor and Shuma-Gorath -- were having a pub crawl in the Florida town of Melbourne when things went weird.

The Captain stuck a burrito in his tights and encouraged women in the bar to touch it. When the repulsed gals ran away, he grabbed one with his super strength and forced her to touch his burrito. Soon the cops were out in force and the drunken, shamed Cap was in no shape to fight back. They took his ass to jail, according to The Thing.

Shame on you, America - Wonkette

Later, it was revealed that the real Captain America was indeed still dead.

The impostor was Florida doctor Raymond Adamcik, who was later caught allegedly trying to flush a joint down the jail cell's toilet.

CAP'N CREEP GRABS GAL [NY Post]

When Capt. America Throws His Mighty Burrito [The Smoking Gun]

Earlier: Comic Book Version of America Dies, Too

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