Dumb A-Hole Scott Walker Not Going To Be President, Just Like We Told You

Who knew? WE DID!

Recall, if you will, the puppy days of summer, when we told you dumb a-hole Scott Walker was not going to be president. We had many fine reasons at the time, like how nobody was impressed that he's traveled to Europe AND China; that "slash their pensions" is not a real military strategy to defeat ISIS; that no, Scott Walker, all your ideas are "lame"; and that he pisses his pull-ups every time he's asked a question he's terrified to answer, in case he answers it wrong. (And he usually does.)

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Well ta-freaking-da, here is the moment when we tell you we told you so, because we did:

Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin has concluded he no longer has a path to the Republican presidential nomination and plans to drop out of the 2016 campaign, according to three Republicans familiar with his decision, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Or as POLITICO put it, he's "registering as an asterisk in the latest national poll." Oh, ouch, that's gonna leave a mark.

Walker was supposed to be one of the Serious Candidates, remember? He defeated the Democrats in Wisconsin three times, by surviving a recall and then managing to win re-election. So clearly, he had cracked the code and would grind all of his Republican rivals to dust, with the help of a thousand bajillion Koch brothers bucks, plus his own epic Rolodex of small donors and his mad fundraising skillz, and then shazam! President Walker!

But a funny thing happened on the way to losing the White House. The rest of U.S. America decided those morons in Wisconsin don't know what they're talking about because holy Jesus, Scott Walker sure is one Dumb A-Hole. He is bad at science, bad at history, bad at philosophy, bad at ladies, bad at Jews, and bad at not looking like a goddamned idiot during a presidential debate.

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Now that Walker has introduced himself and his neat sweatshop ideas to the rest of the country, and the rest of the country has given him a resounding "No frickin' way," he is free to go back to full-time fucking up Wisconsin. Heck, maybe the voters will give him yet another term to make even fewer jobs and slash even more pensions. (Seriously, Wisconsin, no term limits? What the eff?)

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But whatever he does -- maybe he'll go to some gay weddings, what a RINO -- he is not going to be prancing around calling himself President Walker, at least not outside the privacy of his own bedroom. Nor will he be forcing other countries to tell him he is A Idiot (probably). And he still can't write for Wonkette.

UPDATE: During his press conference announcing that he's dropping out like a common quitter, LAME, Walker started by mentioning Reagan (drink!), certain unnamed candidates who are being mean (Trump!), and that he believes he has been "called by God" to drop out and be a loser. Oh, and to encourage other losers like him to hurry up and quit, so Republicans can figure out which one the Real Serious Not Trump Candidate is going to be. Ya know, we buy that, actually.



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