Edward Snowden Gives Putin Super-Duper-Secret Info On President Obama's DNA, Says Not-At-All-Crazy Birther
We know everyone within the Wonkette universe has complicated feels about floor wax/dessert topping Edward Snowden, but a new story about the Libertarian Man of Mystery has totally blown our minds, and now we don’t know what to think. If this newest claim being made about the documents he stole from the NSA turns out to be true, Edward Snowden may just turn out to be the greatest American hero since Nick Mancusowas offering his Corvette Stingray for barter.
Seriously, it’s that big.
Did we mention how big it is? Because holy crap, it’s big.
Here is the big scoop: as part of his deal to leave Hong Kong, Snowden promised to turn over to Vladimir Putin the secret US intelligence file on President Obama’s DNA that proves Stanley Dunham was not Obama’s biological mother.
We told you people!
Here is what we know. Birther Supreme Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., brings us the story of British barrister Michael Shrimpton, a diehard birther who has somehow flown beneath our radar, in 2008 the CIA bagged a water glass Obama used at a fundraiser. The DNA collected from this glass proved that Obama was not biologically related to his “mother,” Stanley Dunham. Not only that, Shrimpton claims Dunham was not even pregnant in July 1961, and yet she claimed she gave birth to baby Barack on August 4 of that year. (Whether Shrimpton has considered the possibility that Barack Obama was some sort of fast-gestating lizard-human hybrid birthed only weeks after doctors secretly implanted a genetically altered egg in Stanley Dunham’s abdominal cavity is unclear.)
The rest of it is -- surprise! -- a little murky. Like, how did this super-secret CIA file come to be on an NSA server, where Edward Snowden could get access to it? Is Snowden’s claim that he only intended to pass through the Moscow airport on his way to another country a smokescreen to cover up his collaboration with Vladimir Putin? Is Putin blackmailing President Obama into allowing him to run roughshod over half of Eastern Europe in exchange for not revealing the president’s terrible secret? If Snowden has this information, why doesn’t he blackmail the president himself into returning his passport and granting him clemency so that he can travel to one of those true freedom-loving countries like Venezuela or Brazil?
We don’t know, but when Obama unconditionally surrenders America to Putin’s shock troops rather than allow the truth to come out, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Your Wonkette for one welcomes our new vodka-guzzling overlords.