There is no conspiracy theory too stupid for President Early Bird Menu to latch onto.
Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.
No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.
Good news for Sinemaphiles
After election-night vote tallies showed her narrowly trailing Republican Martha McSally, Democrat Kyrsten Sinema now leads the Arizona race for US Senate by nearly 10,000 votes, with about half a million mail-in ballots yet to be counted. Not surprisingly, both campaigns insist the remaining votes will result in victory, but just to help nudge things along, the state Republican Party is suing to prevent any further counting of ballots in the state's two biggest counties, which lean Democratic, because how is counting Democrat votes even fair?
2000 deja vu all over again
Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!
Everybody hates Matthew Whittaker, ANOTHER Florida recount, and Tucker Carlson clutches his pearls. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Guess he'd know from shitholes.
Ted Nugent, a native of Michigan, took to Facebook Wednesday to express his displeasure at the
Badger Chevrolet Wolverine State for electing a whole bunch of Democrats, and maybe one Democrat in particular if you know what he means and we think you do.
He's done his job real good.
Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp resigned his job Thursday, declaring himself the winner of Georgia's gubernatorial election before all the votes have been counted and before the election has been certified. He's a busy guy, and since he's fairly sure Georgia's election was sufficiently fucked up that Democrat Stacey Abrams won't have a chance at a runoff election, he's skedaddling to start his transition.
Abrams, for her part, isn't conceding a damn thing and is gearing up to sue if necessary, to ensure all outstanding ballots are both accounted for and counted.
All of them, Katie.
Now that Democrats have taken over the House of Representatives -- or will, come January -- they'll be able to remind the Trump administration that "oversight" isn't just a noun wedged between "inexcusable" and "by compliant Republicans." That's going to be a bit of a change from the first two years of this "presidency," when House committees mostly did everything they could to help Trump cover up and deflect attention from his shady behavior, not to mention taking a wrecking ball to consumer protections and regulations on industry. Now that there'll be a whole new crop of committee chairs with subpoena power, let's look at the wish list for the top investigations they should get on right away.
Good news from the frontlines!
Election night upsets are what justify getting only five hours sleep because you stayed up watching returns. What happened in Florida, Georgia, and Texas -- while upsetting -- aren't genuine upsets. They are both disappointing and something the "man, this country bites" part of you expected to happen all along. So, let's focus on the fun upsets, where creeps are sent packing and good folks prevail.
Lucy McBath, Georgia's Sixth District
This is the district Tom Price vacated to screw over the nation during a short-lived and shameful tenure as secretary of Health and Human Services. McBath is an electoral Batman -- inspired to run for office after her 17-year-old son, Jordan Davis, was murdered by a gun-toting white asshole in 2012. Davis couldn't vote for his mom but the 15 percent of black folks in the suburban Atlanta district sure as hell did. She will probably defeat the anti-gay by even Anita Bryant standards Karen Handel. I say "probably" because there's likely a recount and the assorted underhanded Georgia shadiness to plow through first, but McBath's kicked breast cancer's ass twice so I think she's got this. For Jordan.
Oh, and I'm officially greenlighting a "Lucy McBath" movie, and I expect a Best Actress nomination -- not Best Supporting, Best Actress -- for the
lead (Zoe Saldana or Kerry Washington), not Emma Stone or Mandy Moore or whoever they cast to play Handel.
And she shouldn't. Look at her opponent, this disgusting crook!
Voting in Georgia yesterday was exactly the sort of disorganized frustrating fuck-tussle you might expect in a state where the Republican Secretary of State Brian Kemp is simultaneously running for governor AND in charge of making the election run smoothly. Big surprise! In many areas with large black populations, the voting didn't go so smoothly! After "technical issues" at multiple sites -- little things, like poll workers forgetting power cords for machines -- many voters had to wait three or four hours to vote. And that is perfectly convenient and normal and not at all a form of voter suppression because as any fool knows, there's no such thing as voter suppression.
Oh, he'll have a legacy all right!
It's easy to blame Georgia's Secretary of State Brian Kemp, a less charming Boss Hogg-style villain, for the blatant voter suppression efforts in the state: electronic voting machines not working because someone "forgot" to send electrical cords for them, and the four-and-a-half hour lines in black districts as if the polling places were holding one-night-only concerts with the ghosts of Prince, Michael Jackson, and Aretha Franklin. It may be a winning campaign strategy: "I'm not racist. I'm just incompetent. Hell, I'm probably both. Make me governor." But Kemp was only in position for such large-scale corruption because the Supreme Court in 2013 ruled to make Jim Crow great again and gutted the Voting Rights Act.
"Our country has changed," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. wrote for the majority. "While any racial discrimination in voting is too much, Congress must ensure that the legislation it passes to remedy that problem speaks to current conditions."
Roberts was correct the the country had changed. Barack Obama won re-election in 2012 with a smaller percentage of the white vote than Michael Dukakis in 1988. Racial demographics had changed dramatically in almost a quarter century: White voters had gone from 85 percent of the electorate to 72, with a corresponding -- and concerning for Republicans -- increase in the electorate for blacks and Hispanics. After Mitt Romney's defeat, there were "autopsies" that argued the GOP would have to expand its tent and reach out to minorities. This was all superficial talk. Immigration reform flopped in the Senate the same month the Supreme Court gave Republicans an easier path to retaining power: cheating.
Whatever happens tonight, we will be together!
OH MY GOD, WONKETTE PEOPLE AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO MAY BE READING THIS NOW, IT IS TIME TO DO THE THING!
First of all, we want to tell you that we feel pretty good about things. But we also want to say that polls are still open in lots of places! So if there's anybody you know who might not have voted and there's still time, GTFO and get them there! But we also want you to know that if we win tonight, we're in the win together. If we ... grrrrrrrr ... NON-WIN tonight, then first of all if it's Stacey Abrams in Georgia, we're calling for an investigation. But if things somehow don't break our way (on top of calling for investigations) we are STILL in this together. Because win or lose, our work is not over tonight! But let's hope we win.
Isn't that, like, a sin or something?
Great rightwing thought leader Erick Erickson saw a news story today that proved there is NO VOTER SUPPRESSION in Georgia, and in fact, if there's any problems with voting, they were actually caused by LAZY VOTERS. So he took to the Tweeting Machine to tell the world all about it. Without providing a link to the original story, of course, because there's no chance he'd ever fib.
Now, thanks to years of experience parsing rightwing lies, Yr Wonkette was a tad suspicious about this. For one thing, what the hell is the original story? We scanned down the thread, and some helpful soul had posted the link, to a story by Macon teevee station WMAZ, with a triumphant, "see, it's REAL!" or some such comment. Except golly, Erick is stretching things more than just a tiny bit.
What's with this guy?
David Brooks, member of the Mediocre White Men Society (his uncle was on the board), is concerned that America is becoming a chocolate city. Brooks scribbled out his scary thoughts in yesterday's New York Times.
Here's the central challenge of our age: Over the next few decades, America will become a majority-minority country. It is hard to think of other major nations, down through history, that have managed such a transition and still held together.
Let's "kick the ballistics" here: "Majority-minority country" is a white supremacist concept. How are the current minorities still "minorities" if we suddenly outnumber what was once the "majority"? I remember an interview with Steven Tyler back in 1998 when he described himself as an "18 year old with 32 years experience!" This is a similarly pathetic denial of reality and the ongoing march of time except also really racist.
And who the fuck thought it was a good idea in the first place?
US Customs and Border Protection has decided maybe election day isn't such a great day to practice Border Patrol "crowd control" techniques in the west Texas town of El Paso after all. Or specifically, after Texas and national media brought attention to the exercise with a unified, incredulous, "WHAT EVEN THE FUCK?"
Mind you, it was a routine exercise, the sort of thing law enforcement agencies do routinely, although maybe what's not routine is a very public show of force in a border town ON ELECTION DAY, at the end of a campaign in which Donald Trump has been hyping fears of a "caravan" of asylum-seekers who won't arrive for weeks. Oh, yeah, and in the home town of Beto O'Rourke, the Democratic nominee for US Senate. Other than THAT, it was a perfectly routine training operation.
We have finally come to the paradoxical point where Trump did something so racist, even racists are attempting to distance themselves from the diabolical nonsense. When the "Migrant Caravan Ad" first dropped, CNN (probably realizing the media has hired enough racists) immediately declined to play that bullshit on air, because, hey, who even wants to see that shit? Well, unfortunately for us, NBC decided we really really wanted to see it during Sunday Night Football, but they were DEAD WRONG and regretted it. Because we dragged them. But we are now saved from having to see the "Hispanic Willie Horton" ad ever again, even on Fox News, because they BANNED it. Even Facebook banned it, and we all know they love doing the opposite of what's right, so, this is pretty stunning.
From the New York Times:
"NBC and Facebook, both of which had run the ad over the weekend, reversed course after a backlash on Monday and announced that the commercial would be removed, saying it fell short of their in-house advertising standards. CNN had refused to air the ad from the start, calling it "racist."
First of all, BOTH NBC and Facebook ought to be ashamed that they keep helping Trump spread hate -- NBC with nonstop coverage of his rallies, and Facebook literally giving our data to his campaign. After all the help they gave him, and all the shit they got for it since 2016, why the ever-loving fuck did they let this ad run in the first place? CNN obviously learned some shit this year, and chose to act right in the first place. Good.
Hey, New York Times, see how easy it is to say Trump's lying?
Donald Trump is a lying sack of garbage. We can accept this fact and still find ourselves stunned by his mendacity. During his fifty or so minutes of hate in Missouri last night, Trump warned of what might happen if Democrats gain power today. It's basically a disaster of Biblical proportions, real "wrath of God type of stuff," not just "fire and brimstone" but higher taxes on your boiling seas and rivers.
"One of [the Democrats'] very first projects will be a socialist takeover of American health care. You know what's happening: Your taxes are gonna triple, maybe quadruple. You're not gonna be happy. I know you well."
This is all a very ambitious agenda for a Democratic Party whose Senate minority leader, Chuck Schumer, can't even negotiate bathroom breaks for his caucus. Poor Heidi Heitkamp has been hopping on one leg for weeks now. Still, it's fairly standard Republican fear-mongering. From the bouquet, I would place this as a 1994 Gingrich with an unpleasant Limbaugh finish. But then Trump started offering tasting samples from his home distillery.
The Democrat plan would obliterate Obamacare.
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