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Elections

Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election

Something something 'own goal.'

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.

Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.

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Russia

Everyone Is 'You're Fired.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Nov. 14, 2018

Trump has locked himself in his room, an alt-right nutjob is arrested, and Nancy Pelosi gets ready for war. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Elections

Wingnuts Finding 'Midterm Vote Fraud' In Their Breakfast Cereal

The most intense minds on the internet are hard at work.

The freakout over "widespread" but surprisingly difficult to specify "fraud" in the counting of last week's remaining votes has the wingnuttosphere in a tizzy, with Chief Wingnut Donald Trump tweeting early Monday morning that the Democrats are such huge cheats that really, they should just stop counting the ballots and declare Republicans the winners, which is of course exactly how elections work. The most impressive aspect of this red tide of "fraud" claims is that nobody making them has managed to find any actual stolen votes to report to law enforcement. Instead, they saw changing vote tallies between the partial results from Election Night and a week later, when most or all the ballots have been counted, and then they point and scream like evil pod-damned Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (spoiler from 1978).

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Elections

Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want

Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?

Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.

We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.

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Elections

Senator Sinema. Wonkagenda For Tues., Nov. 13, 2018

Sinema wins Arizona election, Trump's just going to "You're Fired" everyone, and the Facebook tries to fix its shitshow. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Elections

GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith Is A Mississippi Goddam ... Racist

Lynching humor!

Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith made a gross comment earlier this month that is both clueless of history and casually racist. On November 2, just before the midterm election, she was at a campaign event with cattle rancher Colin Hutchinson. Demonstrating just how "ride or die" she was for Hutchinson, she boasted, "If he invited me to a public hanging, I'd be on the front row!"

This is an odd statement because public hangings are historically general admission. Maybe she's saying she'd be willing to camp out overnight to ensure she can watch some poor bastard dance at the end of a rope like a common psychopath. She is, of course, un-ironically "100 percent pro-life," because life has value until it's born. Eventually ending that life in a sickening, extrajudicial manner is a pleasant spectator sport. Bring the popcorn.

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Elections

Looks Like Kyrsten Sinema Just Deported Martha McSally To McLoserville

Another Senate pickup! And a special goodbye to Dana Rohrabacher also too!

Senator Sinema, FTW! Maricopa County dropped another batch of votes last night, bringing the Arizona Democrat's lead up to about 32,000. McSally would have to take the remaining uncounted votes by a margin of 22 percent to win at this point. Which means Martha McSally is more likely to melt from someone throwing a bucket of water on her than to take Jeff Flake's seat.

Remember last Wednesday when Trump gave that bonkers presser and bragged about "retiring" Jeff Flake?

Hey, THANKS, DONALD!

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Russia

Trump Knows The DODGY DOSSIER Is Stealing Elections For Democrats, And HE. IS. PISSED.

There is no conspiracy theory too stupid for President Early Bird Menu to latch onto.

Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.

No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.

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Elections

Arizona GOP Says No More Counting Votes, Out Of Fairness To Arizona GOP

Good news for Sinemaphiles

After election-night vote tallies showed her narrowly trailing Republican Martha McSally, Democrat Kyrsten Sinema now leads the Arizona race for US Senate by nearly 10,000 votes, with about half a million mail-in ballots yet to be counted. Not surprisingly, both campaigns insist the remaining votes will result in victory, but just to help nudge things along, the state Republican Party is suing to prevent any further counting of ballots in the state's two biggest counties, which lean Democratic, because how is counting Democrat votes even fair?

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Culture

Rick Scott Wants Florida To Cut Out All This 'Counting Votes' Nonsense

2000 deja vu all over again

Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!

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Post-Racial America

Ted Nugent Being Subtle Again

Guess he'd know from shitholes.

Ted Nugent, a native of Michigan, took to Facebook Wednesday to express his displeasure at the Badger Chevrolet Wolverine State for electing a whole bunch of Democrats, and maybe one Democrat in particular if you know what he means and we think you do.

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Post-Racial America

Brian Kemp Declares Victory, Quits Job. He Can Move Into 'Tara' Now, He Means Governor's Mansion?

He's done his job real good.

Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp resigned his job Thursday, declaring himself the winner of Georgia's gubernatorial election before all the votes have been counted and before the election has been certified. He's a busy guy, and since he's fairly sure Georgia's election was sufficiently fucked up that Democrat Stacey Abrams won't have a chance at a runoff election, he's skedaddling to start his transition.

Abrams, for her part, isn't conceding a damn thing and is gearing up to sue if necessary, to ensure all outstanding ballots are both accounted for and counted.

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Elections

SO! What Should Democrats Investigate First????

All of them, Katie.

Now that Democrats have taken over the House of Representatives -- or will, come January -- they'll be able to remind the Trump administration that "oversight" isn't just a noun wedged between "inexcusable" and "by compliant Republicans." That's going to be a bit of a change from the first two years of this "presidency," when House committees mostly did everything they could to help Trump cover up and deflect attention from his shady behavior, not to mention taking a wrecking ball to consumer protections and regulations on industry. Now that there'll be a whole new crop of committee chairs with subpoena power, let's look at the wish list for the top investigations they should get on right away.

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Elections

Let's Toast Our Winners, Gloat Over GOP Losers Because We're Petty That Way

Good news from the frontlines!

Election night upsets are what justify getting only five hours sleep because you stayed up watching returns. What happened in Florida, Georgia, and Texas -- while upsetting -- aren't genuine upsets. They are both disappointing and something the "man, this country bites" part of you expected to happen all along. So, let's focus on the fun upsets, where creeps are sent packing and good folks prevail.

Lucy McBath, Georgia's Sixth District

This is the district Tom Price vacated to screw over the nation during a short-lived and shameful tenure as secretary of Health and Human Services. McBath is an electoral Batman -- inspired to run for office after her 17-year-old son, Jordan Davis, was murdered by a gun-toting white asshole in 2012. Davis couldn't vote for his mom but the 15 percent of black folks in the suburban Atlanta district sure as hell did. She will probably defeat the anti-gay by even Anita Bryant standards Karen Handel. I say "probably" because there's likely a recount and the assorted underhanded Georgia shadiness to plow through first, but McBath's kicked breast cancer's ass twice so I think she's got this. For Jordan.

Oh, and I'm officially greenlighting a "Lucy McBath" movie, and I expect a Best Actress nomination -- not Best Supporting, Best Actress -- for the lead (Zoe Saldana or Kerry Washington), not Emma Stone or Mandy Moore or whoever they cast to play Handel.

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Post-Racial America

Stacey Abrams Not Conceding A Goddamn Thing!

And she shouldn't. Look at her opponent, this disgusting crook!

Voting in Georgia yesterday was exactly the sort of disorganized frustrating fuck-tussle you might expect in a state where the Republican Secretary of State Brian Kemp is simultaneously running for governor AND in charge of making the election run smoothly. Big surprise! In many areas with large black populations, the voting didn't go so smoothly! After "technical issues" at multiple sites -- little things, like poll workers forgetting power cords for machines -- many voters had to wait three or four hours to vote. And that is perfectly convenient and normal and not at all a form of voter suppression because as any fool knows, there's no such thing as voter suppression.

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