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Ukraine

Rudy Giuliani's Ukrainian Fixers MAYBE Did Crimes With US Congressman, Are In Jail

Rudy will have to go on ALL THE SHOWS to show he's not worried at all.

Life comes at you fast! One minute you're blowing off congressional testimony, having assured yourself that Donald Trump's NO IMPEACHMENT! Get Out of Jail Free Card still has a couple punches left on it for you. The next, you're in detention as a guest of the United States Attorney's Office, getting arraigned on multiple campaign finance and conspiracy charges in a federal court in Virginia. It's a wild ride!

The Wall Street Journal was first to report that Rudy Giuliani's co-conspirators Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, AKA "The Chucklefucks," were arrested at Dulles airport last night as they were attempting to leave the country. The pair will thus be missing their scheduled testimony in the House today and tomorrow -- which they were going to blow off anyway, because LOL, YOU CAN'T MAKE ... WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE CUFFS, OFFICER?

Why yes, these are the same chucklefucks who allegedly roped the Department of Energy into their efforts to muscle in on Ukraine's natural gas import business by putting their allies in charge of the state-owned energy company Naftogaz. The very same ones who have been "assisting" Trump's off-books lawyers Joe diGenova and Victoria Toensing with their Ukrainian investigations. Because, if there's a harebrained grift laid out in a bunch of incriminating text messages, these idiots are in on it.

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2020 democratic primary

Crazy Aunt Tulsi Gabbard Running Around Screaming 'RIGGED' Again

Putin sends his thanks.

Tulsi Gabbard is sad and mad because her presidential campaign is a joke no one finds funny. She's yet to reach the comedic heights of Marianne Williamson, and God knows she's tried. The congresswoman from Hawaii, a state that deserves better, is polling at roughly half a percentage point. She didn't qualify for the September Democratic primary debate but a rounding error earned her an invitation to the October 15 showdown. (Yes, we just looked it up; there is one.) Now she's not so sure she even wants to attend their crummy debate. She knows no one likes her. Maybe she'll just stay home.

I'm so tired of the "corporate media" epithet. It's simplistic and reductive. There's crap produced "authentically" in someone's basement, and there's decent work published by organizations with shareholders. The Democratic National Committee has bent over backwards to accommodate the exploding clown car of candidates, but Gabbard believes there's some conspiracy between the DNC and "corporate media" to "rig" the primary. Lady, you sound like a goddamn child or, worse, Donald Trump when you claim elections are "rigged" without any fact-based evidence.

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Nice Time

Nice Time! Polls Show Elizabeth Warren Looking Pretty Damn 'Electable'

WE GOT US A FRONTRUNNER!

Elizabeth Warren can't win. That's what the dude punditry kept telling us even before she officially launched her presidential campaign. She's too left -- and who wants that in a left-of-center political party? She shares the same chromosomal makeup as Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump would destroy her with his politically savvy racial epithets.

We're still a few months away from actual voting, but today marks an important shift in the Democratic primary, one that perhaps will finally bury all this tired "conventional wisdom." According to Real Clear Politics' national polling average, Warren enjoys 26.6 percent average support. Joe Biden -- Mr. Electability himself -- comes in second with an average support of 26.4 percent. Yeah, baby, Planmaster Liz is our new Democratic frontrunner!

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2020 presidential election

What Dumb Wingnut Lie About Elizabeth Warren Shall We Debunk Today?

Elizabeth Warren appropriated her pregnancy.

With election season and impeachment both heating up, the (mostly) rightwing bullshit factory is swinging into gear and trying to find stuff that might tarnish Democratic candidates. At the moment, those without too many critical thinking skills are giddily announcing they've caught Elizabeth Warren in a HUGE LIE about having been fired from her first teaching job for being pregnant, because the school never wrote down "Fired for being a pregnant married lady" as the reason for her dismissal. It's bullshit, of course, and for the most part, respectable media outlets aren't buying into the wingnut (and a few unfortunate leftists') gaslighting. But as with the Obama birther conspiracy bullshit, just the existence of the gaslighting campaign makes a debunking necessary. Doing that debunking without reinforcing the bullshit is the trick -- and believers in (mostly) rightwing bullshit are remarkably resistant to mere facts. Which is, not for nothing, why it's taken 40 years to start doing anything about climate change. Worse, some supporters of other Democratic and/or Democrat-caucusing independent candidates are piling on, advancing the rightwing bullshit, because some people never learn.

Yes, it's all incredibly stupid, and relies on deliberately presenting misleading partial information and insisting minor differences in what Warren has said about the firing -- decades later -- constitute a "lie," even when there are no real inconsistencies in her statements. Let's unwind this fucktangle, shall we? We shall.

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Ukraine

It's Getting Hard Out Here For Trump's Henchmen

It's the Sunday show rundown!


After a week where Trump was exposed by a whistleblower for keeping aid from Ukraine to extort them for political help, confirming all the facts himself with the transcript of the call, involving the Attorney General in the scheme, and revelations of a secret server ("But HER EMAILS!!!), Trump's liddle' defenders have had such a hard time, they even made Chuck Todd do journalism! But that doesn't mean the clown car of sycophants didn't try on ALL the Sunday shows. So let's take a look at these idiots in chronological order.

We begin with Ohio congressman and proof that dumb jocks in high school just get dumber with age, Rep. Jim Jordan. Appearing bright and early on CNN's "State of the Union," Jordan tried his best to steer the conversation away from Trump's many impeachable crimes over to the bullshit Ukrainium One story that the GOP has settled on. After listening on and on to Jordan spit lies, Jake Tapper finally facted check Jordan and left him sputtering like a the moron he is.

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Impeachment

Remember When Kamala Harris Made Bill Barr Crap His Pants? We Do. It Was Awesome.

Barr is up to his neck in it.

I don't believe Confederate monument Jeff Sessions had any positive traits, but if I must grudgingly allow him one, then it's the former attorney general's refusal to serve as Donald Trump's personal Tom Hagen. However, his replacement, Bill Barr, has had no problem catering to Trump's mostly corrupt interests. Now he might need his own lawyer. You'll recall that Trump reportedly pressured the Ukrainian president to help him dig up dirt on political rival Joe Biden, who is now polling below Elizabeth Warren. (That's not technically relevant; I just like saying it.) Trump even stated he'd have Barr and his other stooge, Rudy Giuliani, contact the president to "get to the bottom of it" and "figure it out."

Trump seemed fairly confident in the lackey skills of his new attorney general. This reminds us of Barr's pathetic performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee in May. Our girl Kamala Harris was grilling him like she was my uncle at a summer cookout. She doused him in lighter fluid and threw him directly on hot coals until he was burnt to a crisp cooked medium well. She hit him with a direct question and he stammered and stalled like a beauty pageant contestant asked to solve the Mideast crisis.

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Nice Time

Nice Time! Elizabeth Warren Will Help Bounce Susan Collins From Senate Like She's A Drunk At Last Call

Are ya scared, Senator Collins? You should be.

Elizabeth Warren is coming for Susan Collins. It's a lovely thing. Warren is working hard to take down Donald Trump, but she'll still make time for Collins's trifling ass. The Maine senator is a Trump stooge posing as a moderate. We couldn't be happier that Warren is spending her own money to beat Collins silly at the ballot box.

Warren's campaign manager Roger Lau sent a memo to supporters Tuesday detailing investments for upcoming primary races. The campaign isn't just fueling the Warren machine. It's also devoting resources to help Democrats in key congressional and state races next year. Ranking high on the target list is Maine, where House Speaker Susan Gideon and other local Democrats are already itching to pounce.

LAU: [W]e're targeting our resources to invest in places that will be critical to keeping the House, taking back the U.S. Senate, and regaining ground in key state legislatures in 2020. That includes states like Illinois and California, where Democrats won a whole bunch of House seats in 2018 in close elections that we'll need to defend. It also includes states like Maine, which has a competitive Senate race and Georgia, where there will be two Senate seats up for election.

Our lady of the badass plans isn't petty. She just knows that a president doesn't govern with a magic wand. If she wants do anything productive, she needs to make sure Republicans have no more actual political power than a high school student council. We love a Democrat who understands the importance of the Senate.

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Impeachment

Why The Dems Finally Pulled This Car Over, So Help Them God

*CLICK*

Yes, it's from the Intercept, and yes, it's some fascinating reporting on what finally flipped the Democrats to impeachment.

Patience also wore thin as the politics of passivity no longer seem to be benefiting even frontliners, as the demobilization of the Democratic base began to look like an existential electoral concern. And the arguments some frontliners [members repping districts that had flipped from Republican] were making on behalf of doing nothing had gotten increasingly strained. "It's not hard at all to demand impeachment," one argued to colleagues. "What actually takes courage is not demanding impeachment."

The same frontliners who had been the most vocal against pursuing impeachment had also generally been the ones most hostile publicly and internally toward the Squad. As more of the caucus began to see passivity rather than radicalism as the party's bigger problem, the caucus moved away from the idea that the Squad was going to be their death knell, and even some frontliners grew less patient with internal attacks on them. Rep. Angie Craig, a freshman frontliner from Minnesota, made the case privately to her frontline colleagues that if they have a problem with the Squad or anybody else, they should feel free to say so publicly back home, and use the contrast to set themselves apart. But, she argued at a private meeting just before the August recess, members should stop battling internally to have the Squad shut down. Each member, she argued, has a district to represent, and that's the case too with Ocasio Cortez, Omar, Tlaib and Pressley.


*CLICK*

Media/Entertainment

Breaking New York Times Scoop: Trump Doesn't Care If Journalists Live Or Die

He prefers journalists who don't get captured.

A.G. Sulzberger wrote an op-ed for Monday's New York Times. He's the publisher so he can do that if he wants. We're guaranteed to enjoy it more than the average David Brooks piece. Sulzberger has a serious issue to discuss with us slobs whose fathers and grandfathers never owned newspapers.

New York Times

That "growing threat" isn't really an opinion. He should've printed this in the "fact" section of the Times. This op-ed was recycled from remarks Sulzberger made yesterday at Brown University. So we start off with a "joke."

SULZBERGER: Our mission at The New York Times is to seek the truth and help people understand the world. That takes many forms, from investigations on sexual abuse that helped spark the global #MeToo movement; to expert reporting that reveals how technology is reshaping every facet of modern life; to important and hard-hitting cultural commentary, like when we proclaimed "the Aperol spritz is not a good drink."

Yes, the Times declared in May that the Aperol spritz "drinks like a Capri Sun after soccer practice on a hot day." I was in New York a couple weeks ago and people were still ordering the hell out of that drink, which tells you what cultural clout the Times wields these days. Jay-Z did more damage to Cristal. However, this somewhat buries the lede that Donald Trump left A NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER TO DIE IN EGYPT!

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2020 democratic primary

Tom Steyer Won't Tell You Where His Money Comes From So Please Make Him President

He's now our least favorite Tim Ryan.

Billionaire Tom Steyer's vanity campaign for president is coming along nicely. He's bought his way onto the stage for the next Democratic debate. Sure, he doesn't propose stopping hurricanes with mental telepathy but he's still not remotely qualified for the job. We've tried electing rich white guys with no political experience. We don't think it'll work out better even if Steyer's significantly less racist.

One big issue -- and there are so many -- with Donald Trump is that he keeps his skeevy finances on the QT and very hush-hush. Turns out Steyer doesn't want to tell us where his money comes from, either. He gave a "broad view of his extensive assets and sources of income," but he won't go into detail about "significant segments of his investment portfolio" because of confidentiality agreements and other reasons that benefit rich guys.

Steyer's down low assets have a reported worth between $370 million and $742 million. That's quite a range. And the total could be even higher. It's at the point where you don't even bother counting the money any more. His financial advisers could be stealing from him and he'd never notice, like barnacles on a whale.

The Office of Government Ethics was repeatedly told to fuck off by Steyer in the most polite legalese. Regarding his holdings in 43 different "investment vehicles," Steyer stated that "underlying assets are not disclosed due to a preexisting confidentiality agreement." But don't worry. He pledges to fully divest from them all if he's elected president. Wait ... why can't he do that now?

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Congress

Ayanna Pressley Wants to Impeach Brett Kavanaugh & We're Bringing The Torches & Pitchforks

We're done playing nice with Republicans.

Rep. Ayanna Pressley filed a resolution Tuesday to open an impeachment inquiry into Justice Brett Kavanaugh. A survivor of sexual assault herself, Pressley doesn't believe an alleged attempted rapist belongs on the Supreme Court. There are only nine justices. It's not too much to ask that none of them have any credible rape accusations against them.

PRESSLEY: Sexual predators do not deserve a seat on the nation's highest court and Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation process set a dangerous precedent. We must demand justice for survivors and hold Kavanaugh accountable for his actions.

Elizabeth Warren approves of this plan, but not every Democrat is on board. Jerry Nadler, who chairs the House Judiciary Committee, claims they're too busy never actually impeaching Donald Trump to waste time never actually impeaching Kavanaugh. Republicans would've made this a big talking point with a President Clinton: "OMG, there's just so much crime and corruption! But we'll rack up the overtime ... for America."

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2020 democratic primary

Biden Guy Ed Rendell Hits Elizabeth Warren And It's ... Really? That's It?

This all you got?

During the 2016 presidential campaign, former governor of Pennsylvania and smooth talker Ed Rendell predicted that Donald Trump would lose based on the scientific principle that there are more "ugly women in America than attractive women." Turns out there were more hot women voters who are also xenophobic bigots than Penthouse Forum ever led us to believe. Donald Trump is now president and Rendell should've never been heard from again. But aren't we lucky! Rendell, a surrogate for Joe Biden, is back with more words about women, specifically the woman known as Elizabeth Warren.

Rendell called Planmaster Liz a "hypocrite" in a Washington Post op-ed yesterday. He also claims to like her. He thinks she's a great senator and happily co-chaired a fundraiser for her 2018 re-election campaign. But Warren the presidential candidate wants nothing to do with "high-dollar fundraising events." What makes Warren a hypocrite in Rendell's mind is that she transferred $10.4 million from her reelection fund to her presidential campaign.

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News

Stacey Abrams Has A PLAN FOR THAT.

And believe it or not, there's a Democrat running for Senate.

Stacey Abrams believes Democrats should and can compete in the South. Don't laugh. It's not such a crazy idea. We used to do all right in the land that grows Huckabees. Democratic presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were both Southerners, and even gangland Chicago's Barack "The Tan Suit" Obama was practically one of us. Remember how he belted out "Amazing Grace" at Charleston's Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church?

Abrams specially argues that Georgia is winnable. She lost the governor's race there by just 55,000 votes, and the "winner" had his grubby fingers on the scale. Abrams released a playbook this week that lays out a path to Democratic victory, and her proposed strategy is more comprehensive than "don't let Republicans cheat."

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News

North Carolina Will Get 2018 Election Right This Time, You Betcha!

But did Republicans hire a more competent ratfucker this time?

The final congressional election of 2018 will take place tomorrow, as North Carolina's 9th district holds a do-over of the race that was marred -- besmirched, even -- by alleged election fraud, stemming from a Republican operative's operation to fuck with the absentee vote. The state Board of Elections voted in February to hold a new election after plenty of evidence suggested Republican Mark Harris's 2018 "win" over Democrat Dan McCready was tainted by the alleged absentee ballot fraud, and the alleged frauder, McCrae Dowless, has been charged with a whole load of felonies related to the scheme.

Harris decided not to run, possibly because of all his self-beclowning in the hearings into the 2018 mess, so while McCready is running again, the R candidate this time out will be state Senator Dan Bishop, the author of the state's notorious trans bathroom bill. Sadly, Harris's endorsed candidate, Boss Hogg cosplayer Stony Rushing, lost the do-over primary. And those Duke boys will never get caught at this rate.

Donald Trump is traveling to the district tonight for a rally in Fayetteville, where he's expected to remember Bishop at some point, and to accuse McCready of personally teaching illegal immigrants to murder white girls while singing the praises of Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Ilhan Omar. Who he'll also blame for Hurricane Dorian. "We never had Hurricane Dorian before those two were elected," he'll point out, shedding a single tear in Alabama's direction as a symbol of his unwavering promise to #NeverForget.

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Environment

CNN Did A Democrat Climate Thing And It Was Pretty Good!

The part where Amy Klobuchar ate a supercharged V-6 engine onstage was cool, too.

CNN held its great big Climate Change Town Hall last night, a SEVEN-HOUR marathon of detailed discussion about what the 10 Democrats who'll be in the next debate want to do about what they all agree is the greatest challenge we face. Considering how hard it is to do anything on TV for seven hours and keep people engaged (your own video game or streaming addictions excepted), it turned out to be pretty good! Especially with a nap during part of it. We won't try to summarize everything (here are some good rundowns and takeawayses; the consensus seems to be that Jay Inslee won by getting the thing to even happen), so here are Yr Wonkette's Top Four impressions of the whole darn affair.

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Featured

Trump Cornholes Farmers

With no butter.

Donald Trump is highly unlikely to lose the farm vote in 2020. Although he is giving it the old college try! Seriously, what the hell is this?

Suck it, FARMERS! If you only knew how to agriculture good, you'd find someone else to buy your soybeans when the Chinese close their markets in retaliation for yet another round of punitive American tariffs. Russia, if you're listening ... oh, whoops, Russia is ramping up its soybean sales to China to take advantage of the trade war. Excuses!

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