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Eliot Spitzer, Kathleen Parker To Be Quarantined On Terrible CNN Show

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Do you worry every time you leave your house about encountering Eliot Spitzer, who will attempt to pay you for sex, or Kathleen Parker, who will attempt to determine if you are a"full-blooded American," and then bludgeon you with her Pulitzer Prize if you aren't? Well, now at least the period from 8 to 9 p.m. every night will be safe, because these two will be busy making eyes at each other on CNN during that time period. Quick, scurry out and purchase supplies!


Spitzer and Parker's Olde Time Politics Variety Hour will replace Campbell Brown, who was too good and pure for this world. Remember how CNN used to have shouty shows where political enemies would shout at each other, loudly, before Jon Stewart shamed them out of it? Well, that's not what this show is about! Instead, it will offer "a lively roundup of all the best ideas." ALL THE BEST IDEAS, ON ANY TOPIC. If your idea isn't rounded up by this show, it is not the best, or even very good.

But wait, with Spitzer an avowed liberal whoremonger and Parker a self-described "rational conservative," won't the show inevitably devolve into acrimony?

"As a veteran print journalist, I am appropriately respectful of the challenges posed by the medium," said Parker. "But I'm thrilled by the opportunity to discuss the issues that matter to me -- and that aren't heard often enough on television -- in a conversation with one of the nation's most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers. With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street will finally meet. It can't possibly be boring."

...

"Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect whose sharp observations and wit are certain to resonate with viewers," said Spitzer. "I look forward to working alongside her in a discussion that will inform, challenge, and entertain."

Whichever CNN marketing intern came up with those lines and attributed them to these two hosts deserves a Pulitzer plus the governorship of New York plus a Congressional Medal of Honor, for being able to put those words in that order, in reference to Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker, without vomiting to death.

(Your Wonkette morning editor, in case you aren't picking up on it, will probably not be watching this show.) [CNN]

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If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if that doesn't work, just make shit up.

Talking hairpiece Jay Sekulow went on Chris Cuomo's CNN show Wednesday night to barf out the latest Trumpland nonsense on the Russian WITCH HUNT. Remember way back in May, 2017 when Donald Trump told Lester Holt about that hilarious time he fired James Comey to murder the Russia investigation?

"I was going to fire Comey knowing there's no good time to do it. And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.'"

Did you think that meant he actually fired Comey TO MURDER THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION? Watch and learn, kids!

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In the words of the great Tammy Wynette, sometimes it's hard to be a woman. This week has been such a time for many of us out there, what with the impending prospect of seeing yet another sex predator who wants to take away our reproductive rights getting confirmed to the highest court in the land. Oh, it's almost like we, and our bodily autonomy, don't even matter at all.

Thankfully, several conservative columnists have graciously taken the time to explain to the rest of us why we should stand by their man. Not for his good, but for our own. Because it will be empowering. So come on gals, let's switch out our sneakers for pumps like the the working gals in 1980s movies, set up our desk salads, and just really lean in to see what they have to say!

First up, we've got Catherine Glenn Foster over at The Federalist, who wants us to know that losing our reproductive rights will empower us beyond our wildest dreams, according to the actual title of her essay.

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