Elizabeth Warren Castrates Trump, David Brooks Still Sucks. It's Your Weekly Top Ten!
Back in her rightful place at the top of the Top Ten.
Oh hey, Wonkettigentsia, what are you doing? Hmmmm, OK not sure we're interested in hearing about how sexy it is to collect stamps and magnets with your cats, so we'll just pretend you didn't understand that for the rhetorical question it was. So! Lots of things happened this week, mostly about Donald Trump and Ted Cruz arguing over how bone-able their wives are, because our political discourse has sunk to that level. Well, the REPUBLICANS' discourse has. We over here on the blue team are still cute and wonderful and only still murdering each other over Hillary and Bernie A LITTLE BIT.
Shall we now count down the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall, ALLEGEDLY.
1. This week's Off The Menu is restaurant customers who are STAGGERINGLY dumb.
2. Hey, remember that time badass Sen. Elizabeth Warren decided to relieve Donald Trump of his eeny-meeny-miney-mo of a dickstump? LET'S RELIVE IT!
3. Um, something kind of bad happened to Gawker. Eek?
4. Uh oh sketti-o, David Brooks finally realized he sucks at his job.
5. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley is SUPER SORRY for boning that chick he totally never boned in the first place, wink wink nudge nudge.
6. Hey guys, how about a post from 2014 about John Kasich being an asshat? Would you like to read something like that, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME IN A ROW, WHY IS IT IN HERE AGAIN?
7. Where the Ted Cruz/Donald Trump Very Important Twitter Fight Began: Classy Donald Trump Suggesting Ted Cruz's Wife Is Dirty Girl With Dirty Secret.
8. You guys love those polling pieces. This time it was about how EVERYBODY hates the Senate Republicans. Especially Republicans!
9. Important PSA for you: Please DO NOT poison Donald Trump's creepy-ass son with powdered lemonde. Just don't do it, OK?
10. And finally, House Speaker Paul Ryan has had an epiphany: White people? They get food stamps too!
So there you go! Your top stories of the week. They are all AMAZING, right? Thank you for saying that! If you love your Wonkette and want to help keep our staff happy, please to click this link and throw $5 dollars at our faces, will ya? While you get your wallets out, we will allow you to watch this short video of Wonkette Baby Donna Rose learning to say "poop":
— Rebecca Schoenkopf (@commiegirl1) March 24, 2016
OK, Wonkers, you have one task left and this is it. You need to put Wonkette in your box, if you have not done so already. Getting us your box is the easiest, because all you have to do is put your name and your email address in the box just below! See? You do OUR box right now, you get us in YOUR box every morning. (It is for a newsletter, were we send you the secret jokes and the recaps and the special promotions.) We promise not to share your information with anybody except each other, in the Seekrit Wonket Chat Cave.
Good job inserting yourself in our box!
Now will we will go away from this post and leave you hanging, like we always do. Peace, haters!