How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

There is no drinking game, because we're all terribly MATOOR now and drinking games are FOR RUFFIANS and also I haven't been able to drink all month since that dumb dick sued me and I ended up in the ER with chest pains and if MAMA AIN'T DRINKING AIN'T NOBODY DRINKING, just kidding, you do how you do. Hey, here is an idea! You could always send money!


While you are waiting for the debate to start, why not go read Ashley Feinberg's perfect zaprudering of ... christ this 2016 pileup of fucking dumb. Tonight will not be a pileup of fucking dumb, unless Tim Ryan ... well, it's best not to worry our beautiful minds.

See you back here in a minute, jerks! AND THEN WE ... we do not rumble, we are goofballs and nerds!

The First Democratic Debate | Decision 2020 | NBC News, MSNBC, Telemundo

8:55 p.m.

Sorry, we'd give you a picture of the "group photo," but the MSNBC livestream is a commercial for Lester Holt. The MSNBC panel is slap-happy, just cackling while Brian Williams says some bullshit about "tweet fusillage" like he is Dan Rather's hopping frogs with their pockets. I am annoyed. Someone get me a drink.

9 p.m.

AND IN THIS CORNER! Immigrant children lying on concrete! What WILL the candidates say?

9:03 IT'S LIZ! 

"You have so many plans! But the economy is awesome! What do you say to people who think you are too prepared, we are talking about Chuck Todd."

9:05 IT'S AMY! 

"Amy Klobuchar, can you explain why Elizabeth Warren is full of shit?"

"No. Also, have people thought about community college? Those are good." (They are good!)

9:06 IT'S BETO! 

"Beto, your father in law is a billionaire. Should Elizabeth Warren hang him by the neck until dead?"


9:09 IT'S CORY! 

"Cory Booker, why is Elizabeth Warren full of shit when she says we should execute Facebook?"

"She's not? Fuck you?"

"But you said?"



"Elizabeth Warren, why are you picking winners and losers?"

"Savannah Guthrie, how about you eat this lovely dick we like, we are OVER THIS." -- Wonkette

9:13 IT'S TULSI! 

I will say a nice thing about Tulsi Gabbard: I like her Susan Sontag silver streak. She is going to come out of this with a bump, talking about hating war and loving the environment (she will leave out the part about it's only war against ASSAD she hates. She loves wars against other Muslins). Now Bill de Blasio is attempting to smile while he explains (CORRECTLY) that Democrats are SUPPOSED to be for free college and wealth taxes and socialism, and he is RIGHT!

But seriously, this shit is going tooooooo fassssssst, STOP IT. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Wonkette is now the leader of the SLOW DEBATE MOVEMENT. Look there's already been seven questions plus AT LEAST TWO MORE WE MISSED and this shit's been on for THIRTEEN MINUTES. COME ON.

Savannah Guthrie, eating this dick

9:17 IT'S one of the Tims

Tim Ryan said some words everyone. How sad that the debate went by too fast for us to listen at his little petulant Nancy-Pelosi-NON-POSSE puss.

9:21 Why does government-run healthcare suck?

Here's a funny question: would you give up your private health insurance? Amy Klobuchar is all naw mang. I truly do not get this worry for the delicate souls who are so WORRIED about losing their private insurance. This is all of a sudden a thing people LOVE? When they can go bankrupt WHILE insured? Giving some money to the middle man? Wonkette has pretty good insurance! (Platinum? Gold? I FORGET! THANKS WONKERS!) I do not trust them ONE RED CENT to cover things when shit really goes down.


Bill de Blasio is correct -- while talking over Beto like it is the old Crossfire -- that private insurance is not working. John Delaney says Medicare for All is bad because hospitals say they would close if they had to operate on Medicare rates. That's one less vote for John Delaney! Cory Booker, lover of Wall Street, pharma, and charter schools, IS CORRECT I THINK? WHO FUCKING KNOWS IT IS A FREE FOR ALL NOW. Eizabeth Warren is getting lost in this dogpile. BANISH THE REST OF THEM.

9:29 Jay Inslee, Pro-Choice Daddy

"You guys wanna talk healthcare? How about some SEXY PRO-CHOICE GOVERNMENt DADDY!"

Jay Inslee, you may be Elizabeth Warren's vice president. ONCE YOU FIGHT KAMALA FOR IT IN THE SEXY THUNDERDOME.

9:36 IMMIGRANT BABIES DEAD. Would you kill more, or fewer?

Julian Castro: It is heartbreaking. "It should also piss us all off." He would sign an EO to get rid of everything Trump's done. As he should. Path to citizenship, ALLOW PEOPLE TO ASK FOR ASYLUM, LIKE THE LAW SAYS, and Marshall Plan for Central America. Absofuckinglutely.

Cory Booker: ESPANOL. Reinstate DACA, pathways to citizenship, and major investments (LIKE A MARSHALL PLAN) in Central America.

Pretty sure there's not going to be a lot of daylight between anyone on this stage, because none of these people are ACTIVELY EVIL. (Maybe Tim Ryan.)

Beto: "OK my turn to Spanish. Gonna Spanish the shit out of this."

De Blasio horning in about the tragic circumstances for "that child" and how Americans are being told immigrants are to blame: The one percent are. Again, NOT WRONG. Well, sort of wrong. The one percent doesn't hate immigrants. They are very nice workers. Really, they're only scapegoated at Fox and its wannabes. Beto is trying to talk but de Blasio likes his own voice too much and isn't letting him.

Castro is horning in to be well-informed oh and to CALL OUT Beto O'Rourke for "NOT DOING HIS HOMEWORK ON THIS ISSUE" and the moderators are pulling AWAY?

Castro wants to repeal the law that says crossing the border without papers is a (MISDEMEANOR) crime. Amy Klobuchar, you're a big moderate, wanna be a dick about this?

SURPRISINGLY, NO! Klobuchar: Immigrants are awesome. I'd look at the legislation, I just want to make sure there's consequences for trafficking. Well okay!

Tim Ryan: Why doesn't the president pick on somebody his own size instead of picking on sick babies???

Well. Tim Ryan. Huh! Gonna need a minute to consider this.

Jay Inslee: I was the first governor to stand up against Donald Trump with the Muslim ban and all the other things. I am still a hot daddy. The editrix is still super into it, for sure. (He's right!)

9:53 Iran. Be a bitch, Amy Klobuchar!

"I don't think we should conduct foreign policy in our bathrobe at five in the morning."


Tulsi: I am going to be correct about not going to war with Iran so I can fool people into thinking I am a reasonable choice.

Bill de Blasio: I AM JUST GOING TO SHOUT BECAUSE I SHOULD GET TO ANSWER EVERY QUESTION. Seeing why New York is SUPER ANNOYED with its mayor even though he's very tall and also a socialist.

10:00 Welcome Rachel! And Chuck Todd is here too.

Chuck Todd is not being a total wad RIGHT out of the gate; rather, he is asking whether the feds have a role to play in getting guns off the street, and it is not a terrible question. Meanwhile, big laughs as the previous (TERRIBLE) moderators mics were on. We expect them all to confess to murder, like on The Jinx.

Is this going to be the night we reconsider Tim Ryan AND Chuck Todd? I have to go lie down.


Oh hi this is Evan! You know who I am, I am very famous!

Anyway, the president of the United States is a fucking dork.

10:12 GUN TALK

They are all doing #GunTalk, and we missed some of it, but we are pretty sure they all say they're not gonna GRAB YER GUNS, but we need common sense gun control, and other assorted #DemocratTalk about guns.


CHUCK TODD: Why is Amy Klobuchar going to confiscate all yer guns?

AMY KLOBUCHAR: Why is Chuck Todd A Idiot?

(That may be a paraphrase but we feel it captures the spirit.)


Cory Booker is JUST SAYING it is very important for us to win the Senate. He is JUST SAYING, to anybody running for president who might need to hear.

And then John Delaney just tried to yell in some words when it wasn't his turn and Rachel Maddow dropkicked him into space, but don't worry he got better.


CHUCK TODD: You got a plan for dealing with Mitch McConnell?


Basically it is that we have to stop acting like goddamned Democrats who are so excited when we win an election, and then quit caring about politics because we assume Barack Obama is president and everything is being taken care of, when there are still MITCH MCCONNELLS everywhere. In other words, we have to keep kicking their asses the whole time always forever, even if President Elizabeth Warren is in the Oval.


Rachel just dropkicked Jay Inslee into outer space as well, but he also got better, and he just said we have to start dealing with climate change by ripping the filibuster out of Mitch McConnell's cold stinky turtle paws. Also many other things, because Jay Inslee is the Governor of Climates!


Just kidding, he is not doing that. He is talking about using the resources and resourcefulness we already have to tackle climate change, yadda yadda something Texas, can you believe how mean and terrible that screengrab of Beto right there is?


TIM RYAN: Yelling about carbon taxes! Namechecking the gays while doing so!

JOHN DELANEY: Yelling about carbon taxes also! Got nothin' for the gays!

CHUCK TODD: Speaking of gays, TULSI??????????


Very nice, Cory Booker says Tulsi's nice talk is "not enough" and brings up trans people of color, LGBT youth being scared to go to school, says it's "not enough" to be a co-sponsor of the Equality Act. LIke can you do any less? That is what Cory Booker would like to know.


Time for questions from viewers! It is "John" in "New York," who wants to know if we have a responsibility to intervene for humanitarian purposes even if it has nothing to do with our American interests.

BETO: Yes, but we should do it with our friends and allies. (Haha, we don't have those anymore after Trump, WOMP WOMP.)


Bill de Blasio says we really have to get back to congressional authorization for wars, even if it's purely for humanitarian purposes, BETO YOU DUMB IDIOT.

Now Maddow asks Tim Ryan why he thinks he could be the guy to get us out of Afghanistan, and he said ... words ... which left an opening for Tulsi Gabbard to say "I AM THE WAR LADY IN THIS ROOM, and I will BRING THEM THE DAMN FUCK HOME," and now everybody forgot about how her answer on "gay" was "not good enough."

Tulsi G. might actually get a slight bump out of this, but then everybody will read about how weird she is again and she will get unbumped.


DELANEY: China, nukes

INSLEE: Donald Trump (cheeeers!)

GABBARD: Nuke stuff

KLOBUCHAR: China, Iran

BETO: Climate change

WARREN: Climate change

BOOKER: Nukes climate change


De Blasio said "UM, RUSSIA HELLO?"

10:43 Should we INPEACH?

Beto O'Rourke said a lot of nice things about how Trump is not above the law and must be held accountable, etc., yadda yadda,

Maddow asks John Delaney about the idea of prosecuting Trump after he's gone, which by itself made the crowd cheer. "First time for everything," said John Delaney! He also says Nancy Pelosi is right about holding off on INPEACH for a while.


And now it is break time!


JOHN DELANEY says we are on a mission to find America again and do some stuff and things, and now his 45 seconds is up, because they only get 45 seconds.

BILL DE BLASIO says "it matters" that he used to be poor and knows what that is, and that he gave everybody $15 an hour and healthcare and these are the things he has done, the end.

JAY INSLEE says when he dies he wants to be able to look at his kids and grandkids and say he Superman-ned climate change to death. And by the way he is the ONLY candidate who says climate is his top priority.


TIM RYAN: I'm Tim Ryan and I approve this message. Go team! I'm goin' in, coach! OFFENSE! "When I walk into that Oval Office every morning," LOLOLOL.

TULSI GABBARD: A noun and a verb and 9/11, just kidding, that is not her closing statement.


JULIAN CASTRO: Gonna say my closing statement in Spanish so it looks dumb when Beto does it after I do it. "On January 20, 2021, we'll say ADIOS to Donald Trump!"

AMY KLOBUCHAR: *throws a plate at everybody* Just kidding! She says she can win in lots of places where Trump has won, because she already has. Also she is not "establishment," so do not say that!

CORY BOOKER: I know how to beat bullies in the face. Donald Trump is a bully. We will beat Trump in the face WITH TOGETHERNESS AND WITH VOTES.

BETO O'ROURKE: Does not even start in Spanish, what a non-Spanisher! Goes straight to talking about Trump's concentration camps, says thing about "new kind of politics," something something the end.

ELIZABETH WARREN: Are you all aware that I am already president? I will put all of you in my cabinet, if I feel like it!

Warren's statement is very good, about how she never dreamed she would be standing htere, about how she managed to have the opportunities to become who she is today, and how she will fight like hell to make that happen.


Or as Beto O'Rourke would say, "THE END IN SPANISH!"

Tomorrow we do this all over again! Remember, loves, Wonkette is 100 percent funded by YOU, so if you love our coverage and our dick jokes, please HIT THE TIP JAR and hit us in the face with some money.


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