Elizabeth Warren Writes A Book, Which Means She Is Running For President
America's favorite fake Indian, Senator Perfesser Lizbeth Warren, has written a new booky wook, squeeeeeeee, aaaaaah, ARE YOU GOING TO BUY IT, I KNOW ME TOO!! The book is called A Fighting Chance (buy it here, we get money), and the Boston Globe and The New Yorker already have reviews up if you want to read them. But will the Globe and the New Yorker join you in freaking out about this, oh my god it's going to be so good? They will not, so we will now blockquote at you:
On her first day on the job, [former Treasury Secretary Tim] Geithner — who Warren often disagreed with — took her out to lunch. When she showed up at his office, he presented her with a present: a cop’s hat.
Then they got into the back seat of an SUV that was driven by a security detail. Warren put her seat belt on; Geithner didn’t.
“Like a bossy third-grade teacher, I looked at him and said, ‘Put on your seat belt, Mr. Secretary,’ ” Warren writes. “Like a naughty kid, he looked back and said, ‘I don’t have to.’ ”
SASS FACTOR OF TEN, MADAM SENIOR SENATOR OF MASSACHUSETTS. We look forward to reading the slash fic in which Geithner and Lizzy Dubs just totally do it, right there in the SUV, with the Secret Service watching and everything. (We are not good at writing slash fic.) But also, Geithner "presented her with a present"? Unacceptable, especially when there's a perfectly good thesaurus available to all Microsoft Encarta users.
That's enough copyediting snark for today. Do you want more ambiguously sexual dialogue to snicker at?
“You’re jamming me, Elizabeth,” Obama said.
YEAH YOU ARE, SENATOR SEXYTIMES.
“He urged me not to overplay my hand,’’ she writes. “Got it.’’
Let it build...let it build...
There are also lines in here that will make progressives maybe begin to wonder, Hey, why for my favrit Senator Perfesser have most 'spensive Senate race, how make? At one point, Elizabeth is up in the actual ivory tower that they have at Harvard, the one with all the champagne and Priuses inside, and she's talking to LARRY SUMMERS:
“He teed it up this way: I had a choice. I could be an insider, or I could be an outsider,” Warren writes. Outsiders could say what they want, he told her, but people on the inside don’t listen to them. Insiders get more access to push their ideas to powerful people.
“But insiders also understand one unbreakable rule: They don’t criticize other insiders,” Summers told Warren, she writes. “I had been warned.”
"LARRY SUMMERS!?" groans every progressive in America, like the way the cowboys used to say "NEW YORK CITY!?" in that old salsa commercial. Yes indeedy, Larry "Derivatives Markets Will Police Themselves" Summers, though the Globe review hints that Summers is one of the antagonists of Warren's book. "WHEW!" sighs every progressive in America, in all caps, just like that.
The important thing here is that this does not mean Elizabeth Warren is running for President. I mean, how could she have the time to run for President, she just wrote this book?