Entire McCain Campaign Up to This Point An Elaborate Hoax
John McCain has an announcement to make: he's still running for President! And he'd like a do-over, if that's ok. Come on, the first quarter of '07 was just practice, now it's for real. No, seriously, he won't fuck up this time.
McCain will restart his campaign in New Hampshire, the state that made him a national power in the Republican Party with his victory over Bush in the 2000 primary. He will then go to South Carolina, where he was thrashed by the Bush forces, and to Iowa, which he skipped during his first campaign. After a stop in Nevada, he will end with a rally in his home state of Arizona.
Then he'll fire his finance team again and re-relaunch his campaign in June with a whirlwind bus tour of the same states in the opposite order. Then he'll appear on Leno to announce his withdrawal from the race, followed the next morning by a Regis and Kelly stop to announce his reentry. Autumn will come and go, and he'll go into hibernation in the winter, leading to a brief spike in his poll numbers. Eventually he'll take a recurring role on CSI: Miami to try to siphon away some of Fred Thompson's support, but by then it will be early 2009 and President Obama will have already given all our jobs to Mexicans and turned our public schools into radical Madrassas.