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Entire McCain Campaign Up to This Point An Elaborate Hoax

Me and my shadow, strollin' down the avenue - WonketteJohn McCain has an announcement to make: he's still running for President! And he'd like a do-over, if that's ok. Come on, the first quarter of '07 was just practice, now it's for real. No, seriously, he won't fuck up this time.


McCain will restart his campaign in New Hampshire, the state that made him a national power in the Republican Party with his victory over Bush in the 2000 primary. He will then go to South Carolina, where he was thrashed by the Bush forces, and to Iowa, which he skipped during his first campaign. After a stop in Nevada, he will end with a rally in his home state of Arizona.

Then he'll fire his finance team again and re-relaunch his campaign in June with a whirlwind bus tour of the same states in the opposite order. Then he'll appear on Leno to announce his withdrawal from the race, followed the next morning by a Regis and Kelly stop to announce his reentry. Autumn will come and go, and he'll go into hibernation in the winter, leading to a brief spike in his poll numbers. Eventually he'll take a recurring role on CSI: Miami to try to siphon away some of Fred Thompson's support, but by then it will be early 2009 and President Obama will have already given all our jobs to Mexicans and turned our public schools into radical Madrassas.

As He Enters Race, McCain Appears to Be Off His Stride [WP]

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Among the primary results from Tuesday that we didn't report: Chris Murphy, US Senator from Connecticut, managed to hold on to the Democratic nomination for a second term. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, he didn't win the nom Tuesday -- he'd already been nominated at the state party convention in May, and the Dem primary was cancelled since Murphy was the only one to file. Murphy's also heavily favored to win reelection this fall. The biggest question for Murphy is whether he's hoping to seek some other office in a couple years. (As if any prominent Democratic senator hasn't already mentally compared their inaugural crowd size to Trump's.)

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In 2014, Pastor Jamie Coots of the Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus' Name church in Middlesborough, Kentucky died from a rattlesnake bite. Was it a camping accident? Did something go terribly wrong at the zoo? No, he was handling those snakes on purpose, in order to demonstrate how super holy he was. Not holy enough, it seems,

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