Epic Fail Carly Fiorina Officially Announces She's Just Like Hillary Clinton Only Better
With not a single demon sheep in sight, Carly Fiorina officially announced that she is also tossing her name in the hat for the great Hillary Clinton Ass-Kicking Raffle of 2016. Unlike all the other presidential candidates except for one (some lady, can't remember who right now), Fiorina made her announcement on her website, with a video we're assuming is titled "Me too! Me too!" We'd show you the video, but cutting edge leader in technology Carly Fiorina hasn't made the video embeddable, so you'll have to go watch it yourself, sorry. But here's the opening shot, and yes, we do wish Dr. Sigmund Freud himself were here to analyze the hell out of it:
Carly, as she appears to want to be called, delivers all the "OMG, you guys, she's serious about this!" hilarity she's been promising since she first begged America to beg her to run for president. In her video, she declares "that it's time to declare the end of identity politics," which, as she recently explained, is only possible if Republicans nominate her to run against Hillary, because Carly's ladyparts will neutralize Hillary's ladyparts, and then no one will have to talk about women or the Republican war on women or any of that petty girl stuff.
Best of all, as promised, Carly Fiorina is running on her record as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, which is a fancily wrapped gift with a big ol' bow for liberals and comedians everywhere, because her record at HP, of almost murdering it TO DEATH, is one of the most infamous failures in America's corporate history, which is why she was forced by the board to get the hell out forever. (Or maybe she was forced out because SEXISM, but that would be a ludicrous "gender card" to play.)
However, on her Carly for President website, she is quite proud of her success at Hewlett-Packard, and has many words about how great she was at that. And how even though she "didn’t always make the most popular decisions at HP--but, time and time again, they would prove to be the right ones." And just in case you're vaguely recalling the measured-in-billions dollars she cost the company, the staggering drop in profits (82 percent is a lot, right?), the tens of thousands of jobs she outsourced to not-America countries, and the spectacular failed merger with Compaq, that she insisted on -- forget all that. Because here is a handy graphic that proves Carly's tenure at HP was a great success, ACTUALLY, which is why we should elect her to lead America to that same kind of greatness.
She also insists that it's time for citizens to "stand up to the political class" and have "a voice in our government," which is pretty adorable, coming from a woman who for an entire decade, couldn't be bothered to vote, which is exactly how citizens do that voice thing in government, if they care to. But she did say she regretted not caring back in the '90s, so water under the bridge, CEO, vagina, "record of success," Carly for President.