Erick Erickson Now Sharing Ayahuasca Visions About Uncle Sam's 'Man-Boobs,' 'Unicorn Farts'


Oh, golly, Erick, son of Erick, is not pleased with the state of our union. For that matter, he isn't too happy with that word, either. Here's his astute assessment of where we stand today:

Tonight, Barack Obama will stand before the Parliament of Whores in Washington, D.C. with Chuckles and the Orange Man behind him and, in more ways than one, say, “Ask now what you can do for your government, but rather ask what your government can do for you.”

You know what the government can do for me? Leave me the hell alone. They can’t get us through airports without groping us, they can’t deliver our mail without a bailout, they can’t fight a war without turning the military in a sociological experiment, and they can’t manage healthcare without 404 errors, death panels, and rigged numbers to hide massive debt.

Leave us alone.

Poor Erick. The mean old government has just ruined his life because he has to live in a world with other people, and damned if all those other people will do him the courtesy of not living the way Erick Erickson wants. Worse, they refuse to get any of the plentiful jobs that are everywhere so they can escape poverty! And don't even get him started on how oppressed by things that don't even exist, like death panels. His cri de butthurt continues with what may be the squickiest metaphor we've seen in some time:

Tonight in Washington, Barack Obama will rhetorically tell us he wants to give Uncle Sam a boob job so there’s more of his man boob to go around for more people either addicted to the government teet or unable to remove themselves from it because Barack Obama and his meddling policies have corrupted and collapsed the free market so only his hand picked Wall Street winners are creating any jobs.

First off, it's "teat." And secondly, ew. And thirdly, do you have any actual understanding of biology? And fourthly, ew again. For this, you get paid to be on CNN?

If we're all feeling a bit tired for this go-round of the SOTU -- we've heard Barry Bamz try to reach out to the Republicans, compromise with them, lecture them, try to shame them, try to appeal to the simple mathematics of keeping a government running, and now he's mostly going to announce that if Congress is useless, he'll push at the edges of things that can be changed by executive orders -- if we're a bit jaded toward Barry, we're just plain fed up with the bullshit "I'd rather live in Somalia where a man can be free" line that Erick and his teabagging pals keep pushing. Oh, but he keeps saying the magic words:

If they’d just leave us alone, I suspect we’d be just fine, have more freedom, and Main Street could be productive again ... Barack Obama just wants to take from the haves to give to the have nots and conjure up magical mythical unicorn farts to pay for everything. Karl Marx out of the ivory tower into the marble hall, toned down to avoid scaring the trust funders and Wall Street.

What Erick's talking about there, of course, isn't Marx but Keynes, and it has a hell of a lot better track record than the austerity and self-reliance idiocy of the Austrian fantasists worshiped by the teabaggers. But we've been over this before, and apparently we're going to keep hearing about how poor oppressed Erick, whose face is all over teevee and who gets plenty of invitations to tell rich assholes how bad they've got it, is being held back from success by the fact that some woman in Detroit is only going to lose half her food stamps, not all of them.

For our part, we'd be more than happy to leave Erick alone. It's his insistence on trying to drag the rest of us off to Galt's Gulch that's getting tiresome.

As for this "unicorn fart" business, let us give the final word to a pegasus, our spokespony Fluttershy, being adorable:


Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He's listening to Pete Seeger songs all day, and not even Erick son of Erick can ruin that.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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