- Ole Blaggy is literally signing bills over Abraham Lincoln's dead body, in Springfield! [Top of the Ticket]
- Throwy Journalist is being held in Camp Cropper right now, where he is maybe being tortured. [Crooks and Liars]
- Socks the Cat is dying of cancer, making him the only occupant of the Clinton White House that Obama will not bringing back. [NY Daily News]
- Paul Wolfowitz is an adult retard who can neither fill up his car with gas nor nation-build correctly. [Yeas and Nays]
- Prostitute- and irony-enthusiast Eliot Spitzer attended Slate's fancy contrarian holiday party at a whorehouse formerly called Happy Ending. [HuffPost]
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