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Everything Turning Up Horse Poop for Michele Bachmann

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Beloved nut Michele Bachmann, whom we mostly picture these days as a wee Roomba whirring around on the carpet of her House offices sucking up dropped pain pills, is having some legal problems lately. Have you heard? The chief justice of the Iowa Supreme Court will name an independent investigator to look at claims she illegally hired Iowa state Sen. Kent Sorenson to work for her failed (in the political not the comedy sense) presidential campaign. This allegation was recently backed up by her former staffer Andy Parrish with an affidavit along the lines of, "yeah, she knew about it." The situation is apparently Quite Serious because "hella campaign finance violations," and the stress is taking such a toll on Michele Bachmann that Michele Bachmann claimed during a House speech that Michele Bachmann voted against spending cuts out of fear they would hurt the poor. Shit is serious.

Collectively, these signs together mean the universe is at last maybe preparing to suck Michele Bachmann back into the worm hole from whence she sprang, according to experts who spoke with Salon's Alex Seitz-Wald:

“This is very serious,” said Craig Holman, a government ethics lobbyist at liberal-leaning watchdog group Public Citizen. “It’s not Watergate, or at least not yet, but these are a series of allegations that are each serious on their own, and when you put them all together, this could be a career ender for Michele Bachmann.”

Ken Boehm, chairman of the conservative-leaning National Legal and Policy Center, told Salon that we should wait to see what investigators find — indeed, no wrongdoing has been reported so far — though he acknowledged the escalating scrutiny could be a major headache for the congresswoman down the line.

The only evidence we can find that Michele Bachmann is still holding onto a shred of Michele Bachmann's reality is this nice little clipping about a recent speech where she took the time to brutally mangle a quotation from Shakespeare:

Bachmann called out Democrats, including House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), for their passionate responses to sequestration despite the fact that President Barack Obama, a Democrat, signed the sequestration bill.

"Thou protesteth too much," Bachmann declared.

Hang in there, fruit bat! [Salon]

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Guys!

Last

month

was

crazy!

First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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