Will Tucker Carlson put this on the show tonight?
Sorry, but this is really the only political story happening in America — the case of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls what are actually in the nation of Trinidad and Tobago, and whether they became super-sized by the COVID vaccine — and there's an important update.
Last night, Tucker Carlson offered, like the important journalist he is, to travel in an aeroplane over the sea to Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago, to stick a microphone down Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's pants to see if that cousin's friend's balls were very big because of the COVID vaccine. "Hello there, Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls!" Tucker would say enthusiastically, like he was greeting the Hungarian prime minister.
As of that publishing, we did not know whether Tucker would end up making that journey. And we still don't.
But the internet is telling us that the minister of health for Trinidad and Tobago, whose name is Terrence Deyalsingh, felt compelled to address the size of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls in his COVID update, because of how misinformation is such bullshit. He said they "wasted so much time yesterday running down this false claim," and concluded that there is no known side effect to the COVID vaccine that includes your balls or Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls getting OMG BIG. (It can be a side effect of chlamydia and gonorrhea, though, by the way.)
Clearly annoyed that he was even having to spend more time on this, Deyalsingh said, "There is absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse event of testicular swelling in Trinidad or [...] anywhere else in the world."
🇹🇹Minister of Health Terrence Deyalsingh says claims made by @NICKIMINAJ are Not True! https://t.co/dcApHfsq1n— Marie Hull 💉💉 (@Marie Hull 💉💉) 1631720787.0
You hear that, Tucker? No need to sail the high seas to investigate engorged balls in faraway lands.
From what we can tell, this is all real and true and not some amazing parody. Terrence Deyalsingh is definitely the minister of health for Trinidad and Tobago. And WHATEVER caused Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls to have all the problems, it wasn't the COVID vaccine.
Of course, Tucker will probably tell us tonight that Deyalsingh is part of the Deep State (of Trinidad and Tobago) and demand to know what Dr. Fauci knew and when he knew it about Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls.
And then maybe Tucker can have Glenn Greenwald on and they can talk about how maybe Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls might just need a spoonful of horse dewormer to return to their usual size. (Glenn is mad about the cancel culturing of horse dewormer.)
What? Sounds about as reasonable as whatever else they talk about together.
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Yes, Catholic Church still awful about 'bortion, that's not changing.
Pope Francis today seemed to tell American Catholic leaders who want to ban Joe Biden from taking communion that they might want to cool their jets,or at least stop blowing so hard on their incense burners. Francis didn't directly take a position on whether Biden should be denied the sacrament because of his filthy pro-choice views, but he did suggest it's not bishops' job to be mixing up politics with their pastoral duties.
While flying back to Rome from a visit to Bratislava, Slovakia, the Vatican correspondent from the US Jesuit magazine America asked Francis about the controversy over whether pro-choice political leaders should be allowed to eat Christ incarnate in the holy host and wine. Since Biden's election, conservative Catholics have called, sometimes very publicly, for that to be a transubstantial issue in the Church.
Francis said that well of course abortion is "homicide," because no, he's never going to change on that, but also said bishops shouldn't be doing churchy stuff with politics in mind:
"If we look at the history of the church, we can see that every time the bishops did not act like shepherds when dealing with a problem, they aligned themselves with political life, on political problems," he said.
The pope told journalists that when defending a principle, some bishops act in a way "that is not pastoral" and "enter the political sphere."
"And what should a shepherd do? Be a shepherd. Not going around condemning," the pope added. "They must be a shepherd, in God's style, which is closeness, compassion and tenderness."
"A shepherd that doesn't know how to act in God's style slips and enters into many things that are not of a shepherd."
Say what you will about the Church's condemnation of women having control over their own bodies (and there's plenty to be said!), that admonition to separate church and state sounds fairly enlightened coming from the Bishop of Rome.
Francis also said he'd rather not be more specific on the question of denying communion to US Catholics who support the right to choose, "because I do not know the details; I am speaking of the principle" of pastoral duties.
When asked if he'd ever refused to give communion to a backslider like Biden or Nancy Pelosi, Francis seemed a bit taken aback at the very freakin' idea:
"No, I have never denied the Eucharist to anyone; to anyone! I don't know if someone came to me under these conditions, but I have never refused them the Eucharist, since the time I was a priest."
But, he added, "I was never aware of anyone in front of me under those conditions that you mentioned."
Francis reiterated a point he's made in his writings, that
"Communion is not a prize for the perfect," but rather "a gift, the presence of Jesus in his church and in the community. That is the theology."
Most of the rest of what Francis said was a lot more abortion-is-murder stuff that just makes me think less of him, so like any former cafeteria Catholic, I'll just say I liked part of what he said and ignore the rest because it's anti-woman garbage, so there.
But even with the condemnation of abortion as sinful, he also noted that even outright heretics who are "temporarily outside" the Church's teachings "are children of God and need our pastoral action."
So that's nice too, and we bet those words of grace and charity will pretty much quiet down the hotheads calling for Biden to be excommunicated for political reasons, because surely no bishop would allow mere politics to lead them away from their commitment to treating people with Christlike decency and forgiveness, right?
And I am Marie of Roumania.
As of blogtime, we are not aware of any calls for the excommunication of Pope Francis over his remarks, the end.
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Everything you need to know!
Trumplander Jason Miller has a long history of sticking his naughty bits in places they don't belong. But unless you were paying a whole lot of attention, you probably didn't realize he was working to bone Brazil on behalf of its wannabe despot Jair Bolsonaro. And who even knew that CPAC had a traveling roadshow for fascist grifters in Not America?
While you were watching all the rest of the dumpster fires, Jason Miller got himself detained at Brasília International Airport on his way home from CPAC Brasil 2021, which is apparently a thing that Matt Schlapp made happen last weekend with help from Donald Trump Jr., sitting Republican Rep. Mark Green, and GETTR CEO Jason Miller.
"This afternoon my traveling party was questioned for three hours at the airport in Brasilia, after having attended this weekend's CPAC Brasil Conference," Miller said. "We were not accused of any wrongdoing, and told only that they 'wanted to talk.' We informed them that we had nothing to say and were eventually released to fly back to the United States. Our goal of sharing free speech around the world continues!"
But Brazilian news outlet Metropoles says that Miller was detained in relation to an ongoing Brazilian Supreme Court investigation into misinformation and "anti-democratic acts." The investigation is part of the trench war between President Jair Bolsonaro and Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, who has used his position to investigate several members of Bolsonaro's administration and his family. In turn, Bolsonaro attempted to have de Moraes impeached, although his motion was promptly discarded by the senate.
"We will no longer accept that people like Alexandre de Moraes continue to lash out at our democracy and disrespect our constitution," Bolsonaro said in Sao Paulo Tuesday at one of the massive nationwide rallies of his supporters in the wake of massive anger over unemployment and disastrous mismanagement of the coronavirus epidemic.
"I will never be jailed," continued Bolsonaro, reprising his vow to evangelical leaders in August that "I have three alternatives for my future: being arrested, killed or victory."
And like Trump, Bolsonaro has predicted that he cannot possibly lose next year's election without cheating by his opponent, even as his support craters to about 25 percent, prompting his fans to call for violent overthrow of the country's institutions. Which all sounds eerily familiar!
But what does this have to do with Jason Miller, you are asking.
As Talking Points Memo and Business Insider have pointed out, Miller's traveling companions documented him visiting with Bolsonaro and getting chatty with the embattled leader, as well as his son Eduardo Bolsonaro.
Isn't it nice when friends get together to bolster each other's insane conspiracy theories? Just last month the younger Bolsonaro was in South Dakota at Mike Lindell's cyber fraud hootenanny lending credence to American election conspiracies. And now here's Jason Miller buddying up with a guy threatening to STOP THE STEAL his own country's election and do LOCK HER UPS to his political opponents.
Naturally, Miller headed for Steve Bannon's authoritarian circle jerk podcast today to discuss his ordeal and explain how he got cancel cultured at the Brazilian airport in violation of the First Amendment, or something. TL,DR, manly man Jason Miller stood up to the Deep State in Brazil and Bolsonaro is, uhh, wildly popular as evidenced by his rallies.
Nothing to see here, folks. Just authoritarian grifters helping authoritarian grifters. Move along.
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OMG get a room, freak!
Can we all chip in to buy Lindsey Graham a calendar? Because the South Carolina senator appears to be having a bit of trouble with the concept of linear time. To wit, he seems to believe that Joe Biden was president in February 2020 when the US signed a no-strings-attached agreement with the Taliban to GTFO out of Afghanistan.
"If you had any doubt of how ill-advised the Biden Administration decision to withdraw from Afghanistan was, ALL DOUBT should now be removed by the lineup of thugs and butchers who now form the interim government of Afghanistan," he scream-tweeted yesterday, adding, "I will oppose any and all efforts by the Biden Administration to legitimize the Afghan Taliban as the government of Afghanistan."
In point of fact, President Biden didn't decide to leave Afghanistan. And he wasn't the one who started treating the Taliban as the Afghan government in waiting, inviting them to Camp David in 2019 to ink a "peace" deal on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks. That was Donald Trump, Senator Graham's North Star. His alpha and omega. Simultaneously the pole upon which he gyrates and the distracted customer tossing the odd, crumpled bill in his general direction.
And literally the only thing the Trump administration wanted from the Taliban was a promise not to give safe haven to Al Qaeda. Lindsey Graham can profess indignation about the return of Taliban hardliners and terrorists to the Afghanistan government — "If you're a radical Islamic sympathizer, this is the All-Star lineup. If you believe in human decency, particularly for women, it is a nightmare." — but we didn't give a shit about any of that 18 months ago when we inked the pull-out deal.
Here's the actual language from the agreement:
The United States and the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan which is not recognized by the United States as a state and is known as the Taliban seek positive relations with each other and expect that the relations between the United States and the new post-settlement Afghan Islamic government as determined by the intra-Afghan dialogue and negotiations will be positive.
The United States will seek economic cooperation for reconstruction with the new post settlement Afghan Islamic government as determined by the intra-Afghan dialogue and negotiations, and will not intervene in its internal affairs.
That wasn't Joe Biden promising to be BFFs with the Taliban and look the other way as they banished women from the public square and outlawed music again. Trump even dangled the possibility of sanctions relief and reconstruction money if the Taliban could just pretty-please not murder any Americans during the 14 months it would take to get all our troops and contractors out of the country.
Which brings us to another bit of Graham bullshittery which took place Monday in an interview with BBC journalist Stephen Sackur.
According to Senator Pilot Fish, Al Qaeda and ISIS became entrenched in Afghanistan under Clinton and Obama. Again, he seems to have lost eight intervening years of the "W" administration, plus that whole 20 year stretch where we handed out arms to literally everyone in Afghanistan because, hey, they had to be better than the Soviets, right? Only a manly man like Donald Trump had the power to destroy the Caliphate by revamping our sissified military, Graham insisted, praising the military genius of a person who is out there blarping that he'd have blown up Bagram Air Base before withdrawing the troops.
"When he left, there were 2,500 US soldiers on the ground with NATO allies," Graham told the visibly skeptical Sackur. "They're no longer there."
Journalist Stephen Sackur is all of us right nowScreengrab BBC
It's a line that's been used by Sen. Mitch McConnell in an attempt to blame Biden for getting out of Afghanistan, a Trump policy which is broadly popular with Americans of every political party.
"With the continued deployment of 2,500 people, we were in effect keeping a lid on, keeping terrorists from reconstituting and having a light footprint in the country," the Senate minority leader said. "The policy was working."
Which is true, as far as it goes. But that's not very far, because starting the clock in January of 2020, almost a year after Trump had begun withdrawing troops, is some olympic-level salami hiding. We weren't keeping a lid on terrorists with 2,500 troops — we'd given the Taliban a date certain for our exit, and they weren't about to delay our departure by conspicuously attacking American troops before we handed over the keys. They were still waging brutal attacks against Afghan government and civilian targets during that time, though.
And even when we had 9,000 troops on the ground and untold numbers of contractors, the Taliban controlled half the country by land mass. So it's only the most disingenuous sumbitches pretending that everything would have been just fine if Biden had reneged on the deal Trump made a year before and left a handful of American military personnel on the ground to keep a lid on things.
But Lindsey Graham wasn't finished talking, confidently predicting to Sackur that the US would be reinvading Afghanistan any day now.
"They're going to give safe haven to Al Qaeda, who has ambitions to drive us out of the Mideast writ large and attack us because of our way of life," Graham said. "We will be going back into Afghanistan as we went back into Iraq and Syria," adding that Afghanistan would become a "cauldron for radical Islamic behavior."
Looks like someone misses his Forever War. And also is rooting for the Taliban to start cozying up to Al Qaeda again so Republicans can blame Joe Biden for carrying out Trump's policy. What a true American patriot!
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