Putin Invites Trump To Moscow For Season Two Of '50 Shades Of Pee'

At press time Trump was already on Air Force One incessantly shouting 'AIRP-ANE! AIRP-ANE!'

OK, WHERE WERE WE? Oh yes, we remember!

When we last left this story, Donald Trump was blowing gleeful ropes all over the West Wing, just like jizz everywhere, even on the sconces, because he had invited Vladimir Putin to come see him this fall, just in time for the mid-term elections. Vladimir Putin is his FAVORITE, and also his KGB handler. But then OMG SAD, Putin, through all his various spokes-spies, said actually he thinks he is busy rearranging all of his cookbooks this year, like don't get the wrong idea, Donald, just because Putin is the boss of you and has major league kompromat on you doesn't mean he actually wants to hang out with you. Like, maybe they can see each other at the G20 in Argentina? But, like, please don't sit next to Putin, otherwise everybody will think Putin is a loser who hangs out with the deplorable unfuckable nerd kids, OK?

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Hillary Clinton Trying To Start War With Iran, Wait Our Bad We Meant Donald Trump

Declaration Of War: The Really Short Form

Donald Trump, apparently catching up on Fox News after returning from another important golf trip to his Bedminster club in New Jersey, had himself a fine meltdown late last night, threatening Iran with all-caps "CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED," as a perfectly stable genius with the launch codes does. This could mean John Bolton will finally get that war with Iran he's always dreamed of, or maybe that in six months Trump will hold a summit with Iranian leaders that accomplishes nothing but lets Trump paint himself as a peacemaker.

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Rand Paul Bernie Sanders Cage Match, GO

Either you agree with Putin or you're demanding thermonuclear war. Duh.

Bernie Sanders offered a little resolution in the US Senate today, calling for his colleagues to back the intelligence community's assessment of Russian fuckery in the 2016 election and also to insist that Donald Trump should actually enact the sanctions against Russia that Congress passed last year. By golly, Senator Rand Paul simply was not going to stand for such crazy warmongering from people who are seething with hatred against Donald Trump, and he blocked the resolution, because why is old Bernie "Nuke 'Em All" Sanders rattling his saber like that?

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Meet Paul Erickson, Maria Butina's Middle-Aged, Balding, Debt-Ridden 'Boy Toy'

Butina and the Beast

Accused Russian agent Maria Butina is currently safely tucked away in jail, pending her trial and likely conviction for spying without proper permits. Folks seem baffled at how this Anna Karenina of Green Gables managed to infiltrate "elite" conservative circles when it seemed so obvious she was a spy. However, she did have some inside help from longtime GOP gadfly Paul Erickson.

An article in The Daily Beast described the 56-year-old Erickson from South Dakota as the 29-year-old Butina's "boy toy," which is not in any way how that concept works. When I applied for the open position of Madonna's "boy toy" in the early '90s, the job description made clear that youth was a required attribute. (I also looked awful in a cone bra, so I never got a second interview.) Erickson, in truth, is a bald, gross patsy, to whom Butina attached herself for his connections -- not that they were all that impressive. Their "relationship" didn't even pass the government's giggle test when determining if Butina had legitimate ties to the community.

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Vladimir Putin Can Have Michael McFaul Over America's Dead Fucking Body

Is this Trump's idea of 'The Art Of The Deal'?

Wednesday, during Sarah Huckabee Sanders's first public explosion of lies in 16 days, she gave a very unclear answer to a question from the New York Times's Maggie Haberman, which was "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Specifically the question was about Russian reports that Putin's rogue shithole state would like to question/detain 11 Americans for their supposed "crimes" against Russia, in exchange for Russia's cooperation in letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian military intelligence officials he indicted last week for hacking our 2016 election. Putin's list of pals he would like to have for a chat starts with businessman Bill Browder, who used to be Russia's biggest foreign investor, who is actually a British citizen (LOL Russia is stupid), and who is Vladimir Putin's arch-enemy because Browder and his Russian accountant Sergei Magnitsky (whom Putin later had killed in jail) exposed massive Russian government corruption that led to the creation of "Magnitsky Acts" all over the world that sanction the ever-loving fuck out of Putin and his buddies.

Getting rid of the Magnitsky Act is Putin's number one foreign policy priority, so it's probably safe to say it's high on Donald Trump's list too. Indeed, during Trump's shameful press conference with Putin, Trump said Putin had made an "incredible offer" during their private meeting, and it was MOAR PEE HOOKERS! for the quid pro quo we described above. How sweet of Trump's KGB boss to offer to make such an Art Of The Deal with him!

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Everywhere Else News

Barack Obama's Here To Help Us Get Past These Hell Times

Remember what a real president sounds like?

Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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We Have Always Been At War With ... Montenegro???

Get ready for Grenada 2: The Grenada-ing.

Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!

Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)

Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!

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On the bright side, Putin gave Trump a soccer ball that probably has a listening device in it. That's pretty cool, right?

We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!


When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!


[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

Wonkette is ad-free and reader supported, and thinks Elon Musk should STFU.

Post-Racial America

Hey, What's Up With Trump And This Wanktwat Tommy Robinson?

Meet this knucklehead.

While Donald Trump went to make fart noises at America's foes in the EU and shit all over our traditional enemy, the United Kingdom, it seems his administration had some tough talk for those darned Britons or English or Ukies -- they have many names! -- about the UK's oppression of religious minorities. Or at least the oppression of one guy: Tommy Robinson, the founder of the far-right anti-Muslim English Defence League, and his religious freedom to violate a court order, Reuters reports.

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Trump's Big Meeting With His KGB Handler Going Just GREAT

What a fun day to be an American!

Wouldn't you agree that everything is JUST GREAT right now? On Friday, special counsel Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian officers of the GRU, also known as Russian military intelligence, for alleged election hacking offenses. President Vladimir Putin of course personally ordered that operation. We're not sure if he ordered all the recent poisoning attacks in the UK, or whether he let one of his underlings sign off on them, but that is a thing that's been happening. Also on Friday, Dan Coats, the director of national intelligence, said out loud that the lights are "blinking red" on incoming Russian cyberattacks on the upcoming midterms, and just on America in general. He compared it to the warning signs our intel community got before 9/11, you know, the ones that were ignored. So of course, Donald Trump has just finished an All By Myself meeting with Putin, who is probably literally his handler.

Wanna see what Trump looks like when he's really nervous and excited and terrified and awestruck? Wanna see what he looks like when he knows he's sitting next to DADDY? Check out this video of the pool spray Putin and Trump did with reporters before they retired to their private quarters:

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Dickish Trump Is Even A Dick To That Nice Old Lady From 'The Crown'

Can you believe this guy?

We all know, unfortunately, that Donald Trump can't do anything normal and human because he's a blight on all that is good in the world. The president met the queen of England and The Beatles yesterday and it went as horribly as you might expect.

The British public does not appear amused with President Donald Trump walking in front of Queen Elizabeth II on Friday, with one royal commentator describing the awkward stroll as reminiscent of "wandering up and down a golf course."

Trump ruffled feathers on social media after momentarily walking in front of the Queen during a reviewing of the troops at Windsor Castle.In the encounter, Elizabeth appears to gesture Trump forward before he walks ahead and promptly puts on the brakes -- forcing the monarch to do an awkward sidestep around him.

I had better sense when I was 10 and was asked to walk Deacon Crowley's 107-year-old maiden aunt Miss Gretchen down to her pew at Sunday Homecoming service. Just look at this idiot.

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Where In The World Is Michael Avenatti? He Is In London Having Tea With The Queen!

Go away Donald Trump, or he shall TAUNT YOU AGAIN!

Jesus Christ playing croquet with the Queen of England, what in the fuck is this bollocks? It seems beautiful man lawyer Michael Avenatti got on his own plane and rode the tailwinds of Air Force One, so he could go bother Donald Trump in London.

But it's OK, because he's not touching Trump, so Trump can't get mad. NOT TOUCHING! CAN'T GET MAD!

You'll be fucking shocked to hear he found a TV camera to seduce with his lips and his eyes during the London protests:

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The Federalist All Up In Your Thai Cave, Which Is What The Kids Are Calling Your 'Gina. By A Doctor Of Rhetoric!

Turns out we can't kill all the men. WHO KNEW?

Everyone has been really happy about the rescue of the soccer team kids and their coach from that cave in Thailand, not only because it's a gripping story of survival, but also because it made Elon Musk look like an egomaniacal moron. But over at the Federalist, that flimsy dollar-store Breitbart knockoff, columnist Nicole Russell explains the rescue's TRUE significance: It finally disproves feminism once and for all, because men do science and adventure, while women do whatever it is women do.

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Everywhere Else News

Trump Gives 'Fake' Interview Where He Blames Lady For Ruining Brexit And The Muslim For Breaking London

What a lying POS

Donald Trump was his usual "Be Best"-est self during a rambling, maniacal interview with The Sun, which he'd later claim didn't actually happen, where he attacked Prime Minister Theresa May and London Mayor Sadiq Khan, and insisted that the European Union was going to hell because of all those brown people.

Questioned on [Boris Johnson's] comments at a private dinner two weeks ago that Mr Trump "would go in bloody hard" if he was negotiating Brexit, the President swiftly replied: "He is right."

He added: "I would have done it much differently. I actually told Theresa May how to do it but she didn't agree, she didn't listen to me.

"She wanted to go a different route.

"I would actually say that she probably went the opposite way. And that is fine.

"She should negotiate the best way she knows how. But it is too bad what is going on."

This sexist sack of crap had his feelings hurt because May, an Oxford-educated longtime member of Parliament, didn't act on the savvy political advice of a guy who was hosting a reality TV show three years ago. Trump fancies himself a "Brexit" expert because it was the dumbest thing Britain has ever done, and his presidency is the dumbest thing the US has done. He frequently boasts that he "predicted" a great country would do something self-destructively stupid, while Barack Obama was confident it wouldn't. Egg on the Kenyan's face! This somehow qualifies Trump to moronsplain to May, who probably just nodded in polite horror and silently wondered what the "bloody hell" was on his head.

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All headlines can follow the format 'Trump [subject] WTF?'

After lobbing some rhetorical grenades into the NATO summit yesterday, Donald Trump concluded the first phase of his Piss Off America's Allies Tour with another morning meeting in which he may or may not have threatened to pull America out of the alliance and again badgered other NATO countries to increase their defense spending, after arriving 30 minutes late and missing two meetings with heads of state entirely. Then he held a press conference and bragged the other leaders all love him and agree with him, so he won't have to unilaterally abandon NATO, but he totally could if he wanted to. As he jetted off to Merrie Olde Englande to ignore all the boomboxes playing "American Idiot," other leaders offered their very diplomatic statements about what President Fussytoddler and everyone else actually said, which of course wasn't what Trump said he said.

During the closed-door meeting, Trump reportedly insisted that it wouldn't be good enough for other NATO countries to meet their existing commitments to spend two percent of GDP on defense by 2024. No, they'd have to meet the goal by the end of this year, or, Trump said, he'd "do his own thing," which some in the meeting considered a threat to leave NATO, but others didn't. It's entirely possible they were simply unfamiliar with the modern hippie jargon Trump used, and that they were equally unprepared for his threat to tune in, turn on, and drop out.

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