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Trump: What If We Just Did The Obama Iran Deal ... BUT STUPIDER?

Art of the Deal, everyone!

Let's end this week the way we start and end every week: by shaking our heads and marveling at how goshdang DUMB the current occupant of the Oval Office is.

After all the fanfare of Trump pulling out of the Iran Nuclear Deal ostensibly because the Iranians weren't in compliance (they were), but really because it had Obama's name on it, Trump has decided that maybe he would like to do some Obama Iran deal for himself, albeit in a specifically dumber and Trumpier way.

Approximately eight and one quarter seconds after Trump ridded himself of this meddlesome John Bolton, the Daily Beast reported:

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Immigrants

This Little Bahamian Girl Survived The Hurricane And You Already Guessed What Trump's Monsters Did Next!

Do you feel safer, America?

We sure wish we could be surprised by the Miami Herald's report that a 12-year-old Bahamian girl who fled the destruction caused by Hurricane Dorian was taken from her family and put into a shelter for "unaccompanied alien children" this week. And now the girl's mother can't get her out. But of course that happened. The family isn't Norwegian, now is it?

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Congress

'I Know Nothing' Says Trump In Almost-True Tweet Denying Hoovering Military Money For His Hotel

Turncoat we mean Turnberry ain't going away yet.

When Donald Trump tweeted yesterday that the US Air Force members staying at his Scottish golf course had "NOTHING TO DO WITH ME," he wasn't lying. Well, not exactly. It's safe to assume that the president wasn't personally taking phone calls at his Turnberry resort to book rooms for American air crews at his hotel.

But he definitely knew about the arrangement with Prestwick Airport to book rooms at Turnberry, since Trump himself was instrumental in setting it up. The Scotsman's Martyn McLaughlin, who used the Scottish Freedom of Information Act to access emails from the government-owned airport, recalls a press conference in 2014 where Trump promised to bring "hundreds" more planes to the money-losing airport twenty miles away from his money-losing golf course. Then the orange-haired tycoon invited journalists to tour his personal jet with 24-carat gold seatbelt buckles. After first making them put booties on over their shoes, of course.

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News

Did Bahamian Hurricane Survivors Get Screwed By Trump, Incompetence, Or Trump's Incompetence?

ALL OF THEM, KATIE?

The news sounded ominous: over 100 passengers on a Bahamian ferry bound from Freeport to Ft. Lauderdale Sunday were told they'd have to get off the boat before it left, because they didn't have visas to travel to the United States. Normally, no visa is needed for Bahamians to go to Florida -- they only need their Bahamas passport and a recent copy of a clean criminal record check from police. Video of the passengers reacting to the announcement that they'd "suffer penalties" if they didn't have a visa went all over Twitter, and people wondered what the fuck Stephen Miller was pulling now. Turning away people fleeing a hurricane, are you fucking kidding?

Like everything else in the Trump years, it's not clear whether this is due to deliberate fuckery, bureaucratic incompetence, or some combination of the two. US officials insisted the rules hadn't changed, at all, saying instead the ferry company had screwed up and should have cleared those passengers' information with the US embassy beforehand, which immigration officials said is the usual procedure. The Spanish-owned ferry company, Baleària, says it received contradictory messages from US Customs and Border Protection (CBP) about what documents the passengers would need.

At this rate, we won't be the least bit surprised if we learn the ferry was targeted because Donald Trump wanted the passengers to be sent to one of his properties to buy dinner before being allowed to go about their business.

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Featured

Trump Disinvites Taliban From Slumber Party, Tells Friends They're 'On A Break'

You can't break up with Trump, Mr. Taliban. He's breaking up with you!

Donald Trump campaigned on a promise to bring American troops home from Afghanistan. And Trump is a man of his word, which is why he's increased American boots on the ground from 8,400 when Obama left office to 14,000 today. But those are just, like, numbers or whatever. The important thing is that Trump has a plan to get us out of Afghanistan after 18 years by extracting a pinky swear from the Taliban not to host anti-American terrorists and then hollering BEST OF LUCK to the current Afghan government as we get the hell out of Dodge.

Obviously, Trump could win this war "so fast, if I wanted to kill 10 million people" out of a total Afghan population of 35 million. But the man is a fuckin' y-umanitarian, so he wants to go the Hanoi route instead. Guaranteed Nobel Prize!

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Featured

Air Force Finds Exciting New Way To Make Trump Hotels Great Again

The Kingpin always gets a taste.

What a wild month this weekend was, huh? On Friday night, Politico's Natasha Bertrand broke the news that the US Air Force has suddenly discovered the tiny, money-losing Prestwick Airport outside Trump's giant, money-losing golf course in Glasgow, Scotland, and decided to start using taxpayer money at both of them. Sure it would be cheaper to buy fuel at one of our own bases in Germany or Spain, as usual, or heck, even at the 100th Air Refueling Wing 350 miles southeast in England at the American base in Mildenhall. But for some reason, the Air Force decided to drastically ramp up visits to Prestwick since Donald Trump took office, rising from 95 stops with 40 overnight stays in 2015 to 259 stops with 220 overnights in the first eight months of 2019 alone. That's a heckuva coincidence!

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foreign policy

Time For Another Edition Of 'If Obama Had Done That,' Starring Mike Pompeo!

It's Your Sunday Show Rundown!

Hello, Wonkers! After a week of being away thanks to Hurricane Dorian (yay for living in southeast United States!), we return this week with acting Secretary of State and "heat-seeking missile for Trump's ass" Mike Pompeo. Appearing on EVERY Sunday show, Pompeo was there to explain this sudden tweet from the president:

That's right, it seems President "Pussy Ass Bitch" (that's not Wonkette calling him that, you need to click that link if you don't know the context yet) decided to announce 24 hours ago that apparently he was gonna secretly host Taliban leaders on Camp David just four days away from the 18th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Trump went on to say the cancellation of his invitation on Saturday night was due to the car bombing in Kabul on Thursday that killed 10 civilians, one Romanian soldier and US Army Sergeant 1st Class Elis A. Barreto Ortiz from Puerto Rico. In an otherwise honest (or at least more trusted) administration, this reasoning for cancelling a meeting with Taliban leaders would make sense. Or at least, it would seem so, if not for some key things:

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Everywhere Else News

Parliament Speaker Borrows Obama's Time Machine To Englishly Channel Dead Breitbart

Lots of Parliament, very little Funkadelic.

Like most Americans, Yr Wonkette has only the vaguest idea of how Britain's Parliament works. We believe it has something to do with owls. Currently, Parliament is in, on, or adjacent to a bit of a sticky wicket because of The Brexit, because Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made it his goal in life to force the UK to leave the European Union without any formal deal, by October 31. Unfortunately for Johnson (and WTF-unately for Britain as a whole), his Conservative Party (also known as the "Tories" or "Those Fookin' Gobshites") lost its majority in Parliament yesterday when Conservative MP Phillip Lee bailed on the party and literally walked to the other side of the House of Commons to sit with the Liberal Democrats. So much for the Tories' one-seat majority! (Don't worry, there's no relation between Lee's changing seats and the speech being made in the video below, as far as we can tell.)

As they say in Old Blighty, it's a quite the load of kippers, or bollocks, or something!

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News

How Can Mike Pence Be Anti-Gay? He Was Munchin' Beanie Weenies With A Gay Five Minutes Ago!

Solid logic from the White House's token gay quisling Judd Deere.

Good news, everyone! According to the Official White House Self-Loathing Gay Homosexual, Mike Pence doesn't hate gays, because he ate some Beanie Weenies* with Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, who is known to be gay.

Oh, to be a gay Republican quisling, with such a low bar for acceptance that you think America's viciously anti-gay vice president doesn't really hate you, just because he deigned to eat a sandwich with a world leader.

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Environment

Brazilian Trump Knows Only Pissing Contests With Emmanuel Macron Can Stop Forest Fires

Maybe the rest of the world could just pay Brazil to leave the Amazon rain forest alone?

The Brazilian government may consider accepting $20 million in help from the Group of Seven nations for firefighting and reforestation in the Amazon, but first, Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro wants French president Emmanuel Macron to apologize for saying mean things about him, NBC News reports.

Bolsonaro appeared offended by Macron's comments related to his handling of the unfolding crisis in the Amazon, and wanted them retracted.

"And then we can speak," he said, according to The Associated Press.

And that, kids, is why a region that produces roughly six percent of the world's oxygen* may or may not be getting international assistance to stop devastating wildfires, many of them set by farmers hoping to make some money following Bolsonaro's declaration that the rain forest should be sacrificed for agriculture. Can't get too worked up over a potential ecological disaster, because the real issue is the Brazilian president's sense of honor. As of this morning, Bolsonaro appears willing to accept the aid as long as there are no foreign strings attached, although it's unclear whether the G7 nations will go for that.

*Update: We earlier mentioned a much-cited but erroneous estimate that the Amazon is responsible for 20 percent of Earth's oxygen. The real science is more complicated.

You know, it's almost as if these temperamental nationalist assholes will take 20 different positions before finally deciding on one -- and then change again. Seems familiar somehow.

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Russia

We Need To Talk Some More About President BabbleSh*t's Humiliating G7 Performance

Is his brain leaking all the way out of his head? Is he a Russian asset? Or is it both?

A bunch of stories have come out in the past 24-48 hours about things President Stable Genius did at the G7 that ... look, we've been saying forever that the man is bugfuck crazy and is probably in the throes of some sort of dementia and that if your dad did and said one percent of the shit he does, you'd either take him to a neurologist or drop him off on the front porch of a fire station, depending on your relationship with your dad.

But people more polite than Yr Wonkette are saying it out loud a lot more, and for good reason. Consider that all of these things happened at the G7 in the space of just a couple days. (And yes, Rachel Maddow covered a lot of this in her "A" block last night. She's helpful like that.)

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Everywhere Else News

Trump Bumblef*cks His Way Through Another G7, DO NOT CONGRATULATE

America's national embarrassment continues.

It's become an American tradition, like diabetes and apple pie! Donald Trump goes to an international summit, Donald Trump embarrasses the fuck out of the United States, and when it's all over we all die inside a little bit. USA! USA! USA!

Want to know how badly it's gone? Take it from the horse's ass himself:


TRANSLATION: Everybody is making fun of his stupid tarifffs and he hates the G7 and he wants to go home and play Twitter. Also, that second thing absolutely 100 percent did not happen. Nobody asked him that, nobody called him "sir," and if he believes it happened, he needs to see a neurologist. More likely, he's just lying. Still probably should see a neurologist.

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Environment

The Amazon Is On Fire. Bummer If You're A Fan Of Oxygen.

Thank God Brazil's president has a conspiracy theory to explain it.

We would hate to sound like alarmists, but it's probably a very bad thing that massive wildfires are destroying huge swaths of the Amazon rainforest. The Amazon has seen enormous rates of deforestation since rightwing president Jair Bolsonaro took office January 1, and Bolsonaro's response so far has been 1) to accuse the government agency that measures the deforestation of lying and being the tool of evil international NGOs trying to make him look bad; 2) to fire the head of that agency when he pushed back, and 3) to blame the fires on his political enemies. As of yet, Bolsonaro hasn't yet argued that someone needs to be raking the forests more carefully, but we imagine he'll get there. Perhaps he could blame fish, or maybe abortion, too.

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Featured

Who Put The Dumbass Greenland Idea In Trump's Head? This Dumbass Did.

BAD TOM COTTON, BAD.

NOW WE KNOW WHO THE ASSHOLE IS.

When it was first reported that Donald Trump was waddling around the White House begging to write letters to Santa so he could say he's been a very good boy this year, therefore can he pretty please have Greenland, Rachel Maddow exhorted the people who surround Donald Trump not to play such cruel pranks on the president, filling his tiny little brain with ideas like this. Everybody knows by this point that if you tell Trump some hilarious bullshit, especially hilarious bullshit that could inflate his false sense of importance, he will take to it like a puppy with a bone or a full-grown dog showing lipstick, and he will not. let. it. go. Thus, Greenland.

Hell, the news came out, and it turned out Trump was so addicted to the idea, and soooooooo very not in on the joke, that he actually had a temper tantrum and canceled his upcoming trip state visit to Denmark when he found out he would not be allowed to close escrow on Greenland.

And now we know how he got that idea. The trouble is that the person who gave him the idea is at least as stupid as he is, so it feels a little bit cruel to tell Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton not to play jokes like this on the president, since he's probably not in on the joke either.

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Trump

Trump Can't Have Greenland, So Denmark Can't Have Trump, NEENER NEENER!

Wag the Musk Ox.

Donald Trump, with his characteristic sense of tact and diplomacy, abruptly announced on Twitter last night that he would cancel a planned trip to Denmark because the Danish prime minister said Greenland isn't for sale. Yes, that would be just days after Trump also said that while it might be fun to buy an autonomous Nordic territory, such a purchase wasn't the main reason for the planned September 2-3 visit to Denmark. And now it's only a matter of time until other nations' leaders announce parts of their countries aren't for sale either, in hopes of keeping Trump away.

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Everywhere Else News

DADDY, I WANT A GREENLAND AND I WANT IT NOW!

We should consider this. It's one place that's actively abolishing Ice, after all.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Donald Trump is maybe kinda-sorta interested in buying Greenland. Or at least he has, "with varying degrees of seriousness, repeatedly expressed interest in buying the ice-covered autonomous Danish territory," according to some of those folks who are "familiar with the discussion." The WSJ piece published yesterday is yet another in a long list of stories portraying the "president" of the United States of America as Ralph Wiggum with the nuclear codes:

In meetings, at dinners and in passing conversations, Mr. Trump has asked advisers whether the U.S. can acquire Greenland, listened with interest when they discuss its abundant resources and geopolitical importance and, according to two of the people, has asked his White House counsel to look into the idea.

We have no doubt this will eventually be traced back to some lunatic shit on Fox News, or an aide's printout of a story from Wingnut crazypants media, or perhaps a chance comment Mike Pompeo made back in May when he cancelled a planned trip to Europe to help prepare for war with Iran. That trip was supposed to include a stop in Greenland, where he could have seen evidence of global warming, even though it's only a Chinese hoax. Maybe Pompeo told Trump his pet theory that the disappearance of Arctic sea ice is the greatest thing ever, because new trade routes.

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