Science

Trinidad And Tobago Makes Important Announcement On Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Balls

Will Tucker Carlson put this on the show tonight?

Sorry, but this is really the only political story happening in America โ€” the case of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls what are actually in the nation of Trinidad and Tobago, and whether they became super-sized by the COVID vaccine โ€” and there's an important update.

Last night, Tucker Carlson offered, like the important journalist he is, to travel in an aeroplane over the sea to Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago, to stick a microphone down Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's pants to see if that cousin's friend's balls were very big because of the COVID vaccine. "Hello there, Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls!" Tucker would say enthusiastically, like he was greeting the Hungarian prime minister.

As of that publishing, we did not know whether Tucker would end up making that journey. And we still don't.

But the internet is telling us that the minister of health for Trinidad and Tobago, whose name is Terrence Deyalsingh, felt compelled to address the size of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls in his COVID update, because of how misinformation is such bullshit. He said they "wasted so much time yesterday running down this false claim," and concluded that there is no known side effect to the COVID vaccine that includes your balls or Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls getting OMG BIG. (It can be a side effect of chlamydia and gonorrhea, though, by the way.)

Clearly annoyed that he was even having to spend more time on this, Deyalsingh said, "There is absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse event of testicular swelling in Trinidad or [...] anywhere else in the world."

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Religion

Pope Francis Not Too Worked Up Over Whether Joe Biden Eats Jesus Cookies

Yes, Catholic Church still awful about 'bortion, that's not changing.

Pope Francis today seemed to tell American Catholic leaders who want to ban Joe Biden from taking communion that they might want to cool their jets,or at least stop blowing so hard on their incense burners. Francis didn't directly take a position on whether Biden should be denied the sacrament because of his filthy pro-choice views, but he did suggest it's not bishops' job to be mixing up politics with their pastoral duties.

While flying back to Rome from a visit to Bratislava, Slovakia, the Vatican correspondent from the US Jesuit magazine America asked Francis about the controversy over whether pro-choice political leaders should be allowed to eat Christ incarnate in the holy host and wine. Since Biden's election, conservative Catholics have called, sometimes very publicly, for that to be a transubstantial issue in the Church.

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Conspiracy theories

Brazil Supreme Court LOCKED-HER-UP That Pud Jason Miller But Let Him Go Again

Everything you need to know!

Trumplander Jason Miller has a long history of sticking his naughty bits in places they don't belong. But unless you were paying a whole lot of attention, you probably didn't realize he was working to bone Brazil on behalf of its wannabe despot Jair Bolsonaro. And who even knew that CPAC had a traveling roadshow for fascist grifters in Not America?

While you were watching all the rest of the dumpster fires, Jason Miller got himself detained at Brasรญlia International Airport on his way home from CPAC Brasil 2021, which is apparently a thing that Matt Schlapp made happen last weekend with help from Donald Trump Jr., sitting Republican Rep. Mark Green, and GETTR CEO Jason Miller.

"This afternoon my traveling party was questioned for three hours at the airport in Brasilia, after having attended this weekend's CPAC Brasil Conference," Miller said. "We were not accused of any wrongdoing, and told only that they 'wanted to talk.' We informed them that we had nothing to say and were eventually released to fly back to the United States. Our goal of sharing free speech around the world continues!"

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WARBLOGGING

Lindsey Graham Pines For His Two Great Loves, Forever War And Donald Trump

OMG get a room, freak!

Can we all chip in to buy Lindsey Graham a calendar? Because the South Carolina senator appears to be having a bit of trouble with the concept of linear time. To wit, he seems to believe that Joe Biden was president in February 2020 when the US signed a no-strings-attached agreement with the Taliban to GTFO out of Afghanistan.

"If you had any doubt of how ill-advised the Biden Administration decision to withdraw from Afghanistan was, ALL DOUBT should now be removed by the lineup of thugs and butchers who now form the interim government of Afghanistan," he scream-tweeted yesterday, adding, "I will oppose any and all efforts by the Biden Administration to legitimize the Afghan Taliban as the government of Afghanistan."

In point of fact, President Biden didn't decide to leave Afghanistan. And he wasn't the one who started treating the Taliban as the Afghan government in waiting, inviting them to Camp David in 2019 to ink a "peace" deal on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks. That was Donald Trump, Senator Graham's North Star. His alpha and omega. Simultaneously the pole upon which he gyrates and the distracted customer tossing the odd, crumpled bill in his general direction.

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