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Evil White Substance Invades East Coast But Spares D.C. Cute Panic

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  • Around this time last year, an HISTORIC EVENT that could "only" be described by the adorable moniker "SNOWPOCALYPSE" destroyed our nation's capital, forever. Yesterday, a similar event occured in the Northeast, where such a thing is known as a "blizzard" or "above-average snowfall." These northeasterners, strangely, did not immediately kill themselves so as not to face the horror of seeing a foot or two of menacing powder on the ground, and rather are working on getting it out of the way and going about their business. But that doesn't mean D.C. shouldn't panic anyway. The Washington Post has some helpful facts on how this has ruined Washington's transportation networks for all of time. Hooray! [WP]
  • President Obama and his family went to church Sunday at a chapel on a Hawaii Marine Corps base, a shimmering example of the great tradition of separation between church and state. Obama has not gone to church often during his presidency, because he has had a hard time finding pastors who hate white people, our nation's most important and second-geekiest, on average, race. "The family sat in the front row along with several unnamed friends," the pool report said, unaware of the correct English term for this particular band of atheist-Marxist church bombers. [The Hill]
  • Joe Miller says he won't stand in the way of a judge letting Lisa Murkowski taking her seat in the next Congress, as if he had such a power. But your Riley Waggaman (when he SHOWS UP TO WORK) will be able to continue to bravely chronicle this man's sad journey, because Miller says he's still not surrendering his grand war on mathematics. [NYT]
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